O/T - FIL personal life issues that are pissing me off
I've asked a couple of my friends here about this for their opinions but have to get out the latest development on this before I explode! Sorry it's long but I have to give background.
He's wishy washy to say the least! 64, sweetest guy and prides himself on being a religious and HONEST man. Deacon at his church. He has a cool million in the bank. Why he feels the need to bring this up to every woman he dates, DH and I will never know. He's not the bragging type!
So, after DH's mom "J" passed, he married her best friend, "C". It was in their friend pact that if their spouses died leaving the others free, they'd marry. Yeah, strange I know. This was about 10 yrs ago. They were married up until 2011 when he'd had enough of her constant nagging. He only stayed the last few years in the marriage because he didn't want her getting all his money!
Anyhow, he starts dating all these women. Falls in love within weeks with every single one! But for some reason, the relationships never work. "A" was "too old", "H" had too many "health issues", "K" "traveled too much and didn't give me enough time", "J" wasn't "pretty enough" and "L" wasn't retired yet. Well, he and "L" were together for about 3 mos (she's 52 and a hairdresser that also does his mom's hair) and split for about 3 days. The first night he left her, he went back to "J" and called DH saying "If "L" calls you, I was with you". He's NEVER lied before and that floored us. DH refused to lie for him and chastised him for asking!
He was with "J" for a couple days until "L" called him wanting to try again. He dropped "J" like a hot potato (remember, she wasn't pretty enough and "L" IS) and "J" goes psycho!! She starts following "L", writing letters and putting them on her SUV at night, saying she knows where she works, where she lives, etc. Threatening in nature. "L"'s daughter also works with her at the hair salon and "J" came up there one night looking for "L" but she'd left for lunch, so "J" starts cussing the daughter out in front of the whole salon calling her mother a slut, bitch etc. "J" is in her 60's!!!
So a few weeks later, DH's dad proposes to "L" and she says yes! Now, "L" is a nice person but I see NO attraction or love in her eyes for FIL. He is a great man but he's desperate for a wife, can't stand being alone and just freaks out. I think she sees MONEY and a secure future for herself, her kids and special needs grandson who is costing them all a fortune in hospital bills.
FIL calls DH Monday and says "I spent all day Sunday at "L"'s and she pretty much ignored me the entire time because she was busy with her mom, daughter and grandson. I wish she were retired, because I want to travel and do things but she works every damn weekend. I'm thinking of calling off the engagement and maybe dating "K" again".
OMFG right? It's like DUDE, STOP. DH was just over there Saturday helping his dad cut some stairs out of his garage so "L"'s truck will fit in there. Her vehicle was parked in the street and got vandalized (we're thinking by "J") and bitch and slut were written in marker on all the windows, the tires were flattened (not slashed though, just air let out) and about 5 rolls of toilet paper wrapped around it. I'm talking middle school antics here...and we're dealing with people in their 50's and 60's. It's nuts.
So DH tells him "Dad, you need some help here. You're going crazy. Mom wouldn't even KNOW the person you've become! You're jumping from woman to woman to woman, asking me to LIE for you, telling them all you LOVE them and now before "L" has even moved in, you're talking about calling off the engagement and going back to another woman?" And FIL said, "well, I guess that's what I needed to hear" and hung up.
FIL's used to having his house to himself since he and "C" split and now he's going to have a whole houseful of people and dogs? If "L" moves in, she's bringing her elderly mother who suffers from dementia, her 25 yr old daughter and their 3 dogs (which FIL hates dogs inside the house).
So DH calls him yesterday and tells him he needs to really think this through before she moves in. Guess what FIL says? "I hope "L" calls this whole thing off". Yeah, push it off on the woman to call off the engagement because you're too chicken?
DH talked to FIL this morning and he said "I think I'm just going to call everything off, but can I use you and your wife as a scapegoat?" WTF? USE US? He's done it before with other women he's broken it off with. Saying things like "My son and his wife have talked to me about some things and agree that it's best I don't see you anymore". I didn't care at the time since I'd never formed any relationship and hadn't even met some. But this woman is different. We've spent time with her, met her entire family at Easter and she still cuts grandma's (DH's grandma) hair every month.
DH told him to man up and take some responsibility for his own actions. We've been telling him for the past year he needs help but he doesn't believe in therapy. He's never fully gotten over his first wife (DH's mom) and just jumped into a relationship and married her friend and then was miserable with her.
I'm just pissed that he's dragging US into his breakup with "L". We told him he needed to stop all this nonsense, he was hurting people, LYING and bouncing from woman to woman. He needed to STOP dating, live alone for a while, get his head straight. He never listened.
OH get this!!! DH just told me this juicy bit of info. The townhome that "L", her mom, their 3 dogs and her daughter are living in belongs to her other daughter, the one with the special needs son. They plan on selling it to pay for their son's medical bills. So now, "L", her elderly dementia suffering mother, her 25 yr old daughter and their 3 dogs will be expecting to move in with FIL and he's calling it off and BLAMING DH AND I???????????
I'm telling you this is sheer bullshit and I'm about to call him and give him a piece of my mind. We've always had a great relationship and he loves me, but this is just unacceptable. He needs professional help and not to date ANYONE until he gets himself squared away.
I'm LIVID!
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Comments
Does it really hurt you to
Does it really hurt you to let the old guy use you as an excuse to save himself from a situation that has gotten way out of his control? FIL sounds like a babe in the woods in some ways, and a man-whore in others. Maybe use his need to use you as an excuse as a lever to move him toward some reflection on his behavior. Right now, it sounds like he is in a panic, and AT ALL COSTS "L" need to be kept OUT of his home with all her baggage. Is FIL neurologically intact? He could be having some cognitive issues, early Alzheimer's or something, that could manifest this way. Maybe help him get out of the current situation, in exchange for a full physical and mental exam.
I understand that it appears
I understand that it appears harmless for him to use us as a scapegoat and yes, we probably won't see "L" or her family again if he breaks it off. I'm just sick of this shit. He's spiraling out of control and we've told him since day one after his divorce that he needed to take some time ALONE and figure himself out before engaging in any type of relationship. He's ignored us time and time again, yet uses us as a way out of his fuck ups?
And he's had tests done recently because of a tic in his neck and supposedly, he's neurologically fine. He just really needs to go to therapy and work through his personal issues before dragging another woman down.
OMG, what drama! If I were
OMG, what drama!
If I were you, I would tell FIL "I am not going to lie for you. You need to man up and break up with L and do it the right way. If you even mention me or DH or use us as the reason for breaking up with her, I will call L myself and tell her the truth."
Explain to FIL that you love and care for him, but you can not let him suck you into his drama vortex. Either you or DH can tell him this.
And leave it at that. Then disengage from his craziness. If he starts to talk about some woman, change the subject. If he needs help painting the house blue because that's his new girlfriend's favorite color, don't help.
I don't blame you for being stressed, you don't expect this childish behavior from grown folks, but then again, I've seen some 40 year olds act like ten year olds before, so I shouldn't be surprised. Maybe he's going through a mid life crisis a few years late?
Yeah that's what DH told him
Yeah that's what DH told him this morning. He did say "I don't care if you say your son and his wife have brought some issues to your attention" and that helped you make your decision to call it off, but to use us outright as a lie to break it off with L is just not cool.
I'm totally disengaging from him from now on. It's fucking crazy what he's doing and he still continues to pride himself on being a religious and honest man. Well, from what I can see over the past year and a half, he hasn't been too honest at all!
Good your DH set your FIL
Good your DH set your FIL straight. I KNOW you'll have no problem telling FIL to keep his drama to himself, LOL!
It's just so damn crazy
It's just so damn crazy Amber! You know? I always thanked my lucky stars when I'd read of MIL and FIL issues on these boards and since MIL has been deceased for 10 yrs and I have always had a great relationship with FIL - I didn't think this would be something I'd have to worry about.
Now we're being dragged in and I hate it.
OMG!! I knew he would NOT go
OMG!! I knew he would NOT go thru with it!!! He needs to be alone for awhile and get his shit together and get some counseling!!
I know right? I'm going to
I know right? I'm going to tell him that next time I see him and let him know that I'm done discussing his personal life. I don't even care what he does anymore.
DH is just as livid as I am and is so frustrated. He says "If you would've seen him with my mom before, you'd be asking yourself who the fuck is this?" And he did say mom is probably rolling over in her grave going "WTF are you doing?"
This is nuts! The drama never
:jawdrop:
This is nuts! The drama never ends!!!!
I know right? And to see him
I know right? And to see him blame others for his faults and bad decisions, I can see now why he thinks it's fine for stepdevil to do the same fucking thing!
You know I've seen this
You know I've seen this before with family members. Our "elderly" relatives have some money. They're lonely & may like the attention & the love drama as they get closer to realizing their mortality. If I were you, I'd let him run wild a little until he hits a brick wall & wakes up BUTTTT make sure there is some voice of reason when it comes to a will & in case you haven't figure it out, I'm a big fan of home security & surveillance cameras.
I'm giving up on him now
I'm giving up on him now Shook. I'm done with banging my head against the wall with him. He's run wild for the past 18 months and look where it's gotten him! Engaged to someone 12 yrs younger that has a ton of family issues, being stalked by his ex girlfriend and using DH and I as the scapegoats.
I don't think he really sees what he's doing as wrong. He just is so desperate for a wife, he doesn't think!!! He just wants someone to share the rest of his days with and doesn't seem to think it through that this person may not be what he NEEDS.
UGH I am just so over him!
Yep smart. But get your DH &
Yep smart. But get your DH & any other siblings if he has any to have a sitdown about wills. I've seen my share of people getting screwed.
DH has 2 brothers (both steps
DH has 2 brothers (both steps to FIL but he raised them so they're his sons). Apparently, how his will is broken down is each get 1/3 of any assets FIL leaves behind.
DH brought it up to his dad the other day - you know, I don't care if you leave me one red penny dad, but think about this for a minute...if you marry L, she's getting 100% of your assets when you pass away so everything you've worked for in the past 50 years (he's retired so he's living off his savings) will go to her and her family. You HAVE to know that with the bills they've racked up with the special needs grandson, and the fact that she's just a hairdresser supporting her elderly mom and her 25 yr old daughter, she's thinking LONG term. You're not happy and we don't see one lick of love in her eyes for you, but you better believe that million sitting in the bank is appealing to her and keeping her around.
Hell, why else would she have stuck around after her brand new SUV was vandalized and she and her daughter stalked for months on end by a crazy ex of his? I know *I* would've been GONE had that happened.
Exactly! Our BM's mother did
Exactly! Our BM's mother did that to her 3rd husband's children. His kids (BM's steps) had to fight her in court for years to get that money back for them & their kids. If she did that to my side of the family, it wouldn't have made it to court.
Yeah, FIL agreed with DH
Yeah, FIL agreed with DH saying that he didn't want his lifes savings to go to her and her kids when he has that money destined to be used for his own family.
I don't know what ultimately went off in his head to call it off but we've been telling him for months that it isn't what he WANTS to be happy.
Wow, that's some serious shit
Wow, that's some serious shit goin on there Red! I almost busted out the popcorn, but I just ate breakfast.
I dunno, I think I would rather be the scapegoat and let him do whatever he needs to do to end this. Better that than her sell her house and move in, and him break it off when she has no place to go. Consider it doing her a favor
Sucks... but he obviously has no balls to tell her the truth. Then if she asks "why" you can tell her "yes, we told him not to do it, because he told us he wasn't HAPPY".
I know right BS? Crazy
I know right BS? Crazy shit.
I agree that he needs to put an end to it, but just as DH told me this morning, the townhome is already going to be sold, regardless of what happens with her and FIL. It's not hers (I thought it was), it's her daughter's. She has 2 girls. One is 29 and has the special needs 2 yr old who is racking up a fortune in medical bills and the other is the 25 yr old that lives and works with "L" in the other daughter's townhome.
Older daughter needs to sell the townhome to pay for her son's medical bills and told her mom and sister and grandma that it worked out well that mom got engaged to FIL since now they'd all have a place to live when townhome sells!
Yeah, perfect it seems except for the fact that FIL is out of his fucking mind and is now going to call off the whole thing!!! And use DH and I as an excuse!
I guess we'll know more tonight because he plans to tell her after she gets off work today. I'll be updating as soon as I know anything, but shit, this is ridiculous for a fucking 64 yr old man to be doing!
Well, Biflexed, if "L"
Well, Biflexed, if "L" contacts Dh or I after this whole thing goes down, I am simply going to tell her that I think FIL needs counseling, therapy or whatever and that I'm staying the fuck out of his personal life so sorry if he hurt you, but I have nothing to do with it!
That's my point. He's 64,
That's my point. He's 64, she's 52. I'm 40, DH is 38. I don't fucking get this shit. I mean, come on. GROW THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!
Put it this way, when they announced their engagement to DH and I we both looked at them like they had 4 heads! Ummmm, what? A few weeks ago you weren't even together anymore, FIL was with crazy ass "J" and she's now threatening you, stalking you and cussing out your daughter at your workplace and you're fucking MARRYING him?
When FIL asked if we were happy for them, what could we do? DH did tell him later when "L" had left, that he didn't see it working for them, but if dad was happy that's all he cared about.
Now all of this bullshit goes down. I'm just DONE you know? Just like I got to my breaking point with stepdevil14 and disengaged, I'm done with FIL.
shew Red, you need to come up
shew Red, you need to come up with a name for this show, it's entertaining to say the least. I'm picturing these old woman duking it out in the Beauty Shop, and that's funny. You go Grandpa, get'em all stirred up.
Do you think he's going thru something health related though, causing him to act like this, out gally-banting around with all these women? Or does he like the chase, know what I mean. Then when he catches her, he's onto the next one, gives him some excitement in his life.
But I wouldn't be his scapegoat either. He's a big boy, time to man-up and own his decisions.
I know!! I'm so just
I know!! I'm so just dumbfounded by it. I mean, I told DH at one point after FIL proposed to "L" that we needed to make up a whiteboard with a timeline showing how many women he jumped from and to and how long each relationship lasted.
Seriously he went from "A" to "K" to "H" within 2 mos, from "H" back to "A" for a while, then back to "H" and then to a new woman I can't remember her name and then to crazy ass "J" and then to "L" and the very same day he broke up with "L", he's back at "J"'s place! It was NUTS!
I don't think anything medically or health related is going on with him. He is just terrified of being alone. It's weird because he was all into "H" which DH and I LOVED, she was very touchy-feely, sweet, down to earth, fun to be around, made him smile and then all of a sudden, she's gone and on to someone else who was exactly the opposite. Then he complained that he wasn't getting enough attention or affection from her and went on to another.
When I first met "L" it was at FIL's place during dinner and we played cards afterwards. FIL is very clingy (I call him "stage four clingon") and "L" just wasn't having it. She'd swat his hands away or turn her face if he tried kissing her on the mouth. It was strange, to say the least, that he ended up proposing to her after that. I mean, he wants a woman who is RETIRED and wants to spend every single waking moment with him all over him and pawing him it seems.
All I have to say is
All I have to say is DRAMA!!!! How does one keep these "ladies" straight??? Wowsers! Obviously he is lost as a single guy.
My parents were married for 53 yrs when my Mom passed. My Dad tells me all the time that the widowed women at the church are circling around. I told him, nice, 6 months after Mom passes. I love my Dad and want him to be happy but I told him I don't think he's taken enough time to start dating. He agrees, he says he still loves my Mom and can't think that way of another woman. Don't even want to think about when he does start dating. He is 81, spry and has tons of interests. Last conversation I had with him when he brought up the women I told him to concentrate on painting the house and doing his garden. Sheesh!!!
I agree tryingmom! I don't
I agree tryingmom! I don't think he could keep them all straight either! He kept bouncing from woman to woman and then back and forth.
Neither DH or I think he's emotionally or mentally ready to be in a relationship but he is so desperate for a wife. He can't stand being alone and is terrified of it. He says the worst thing that could happen to him would be to die alone. He's only 64!!!
So after months of us telling him to slow down, stop looking for Mrs. right, focus on himself, yada yada, he ends up with "L", wanting to marry her. His dad (granddad who is 86) says FIL's always been this way. Has wanted to marry every single girl he ever dated in high school!!
There are men out there that
There are men out there that cannot be alone. Sadly, they are used to having a woman around the house doing the wifey stuff cannot fathom how to do this themselves. He needs to take his time and choose wisely if he really needs a wife. Baggage comes with everyone, just be leery of the woman with 12 steamer trunks and big roll on bags as their baggage!!! Every one of us on this site knows the signs now. LOLOL I wish there was a way he could understand that therapy will help him deal with his issues, help him move on and find the right woman to spend the rest of his life with.
Yeah, Tryingmom, he truly
Yeah, Tryingmom, he truly cannot be alone. I mean he's petrified of the thought of it. He bought the house right next door to his elderly parents, not only to be close in case of an emergency but so that if he's lonely he can simply go next door to see them. He's in his 60's - you'd think that he'd have gained some sort of independence by now but nope.
Anyhow, I don't know why he's so dead set against therapy or counseling. I don't know if he's afraid to face his own inner demons or what, but he's NOT doing himself (or anyone else) any favors by living the way he is. He's pissing off his family and friends and he's really not making a good name for himself in the community. Pretty soon, if he keeps this shit up, it'll get around town that he's the philanderer and will never land himself a quality woman!
It's like he's shooting himself in the foot you know? DUH! Everyone can see it but him.
Exactly chokinonlemons! I
Exactly chokinonlemons! I know right? It's fucking off the wall crazy shit.
I told DH that I'm done with it all. I am not going to be involved in his dad's life other than family functions and such. I'm not ignoring him or anything like that, I'm just disengaging from his personal life. If he asks me for advice or anything, I'm simply going to tell him he already knows my feelings, he needs professional help/counseling and until he gets that and gets his mind right, I have nothing to add.
Red, if he really wants
Red, if he really wants drama, ask him to go online to one of those Russian Wives website where he can adopt one. That should cure him.
LOL Shook! I don't think he
LOL Shook! I don't think he WANTS the drama, you know? I think he sincerely just wants a WIFE. But one that (and these are HIS words) has:
Big tits
Attractive
Own money/well off
Retired
Touchy-feely
Spends all day every day with him and him alone
Doesn't have kids or pets living with her
Likes the same things he does
Will travel with him whenever and wherever he wants to go
Doesn't have a shopping problem like his ex wife did
Won't take him for everything he has
Loves to have sex
No major health issues
Ok, so good fucking luck finding that "dream woman". It's like me saying I want a man who is 40 yrs old, has Paul Walker's eyes, Channing Tatum's body, Bill Gates' money, loves me for me, is completely 100% genuine and honest, doesn't ever even LOOK at other women, has a good, stable job, no ex wives, no kids, will do as I say when I say it, drives a 69 Camaro, has a 200+ IQ, etc etc etc.
Doesn't exist!
He's really reaching for someone who is like DH's mom, to have the same relationship he had with her. Her death rocked his world and I honestly don't think even after 10 yrs he's gotten to a good place in his heart over it.
LMFAO - let's keep him
LMFAO - let's keep him disease free shall we? LMAO!!!
LOL Red. On those
LOL Red. On those international adopt a wife sites, they'll answer YES to all of those. Because any woman that meets all those, who do "exist" would only be that till the I Do's. Then the bait & switch comes up during the very expensive honeymoon. During the expensive divorce, none of those points ever existed...well maybe the big tits because then she could afford them at that point.
I sure hope these senior
I sure hope these senior citizens are using protection!
Yes, tell them if they don't
Yes, tell them if they don't use protection, they'll go blind. Worked when they were adolescents in 1800s.
I know!! When DH asked him,
I know!! When DH asked him, he said of course he was. With "L" there was no diseases or risk of pregnancy so he doesn't have to worry but with the others he has been safe he said.
Damn - if I hadn't met DH I
Damn - if I hadn't met DH I could have been your SMIL.
I am approx. his age, have Arkansas and Detroit roots and don't need his money.
Red - tell your DH I am at the SEC baseball tournament rooting for Arkansas.
I do tend to remind DH that
I do tend to remind DH that there are many other men that I could have even at my advanced age. I'm a size 6, triple D with a waist, bank account and brain. Keeps him on his toes.
Oh trust me honey, you
Oh trust me honey, you wouldn't want to with as wishy washy as this man is right now! I do love the guy but fuck, he's driving us all bananas with this bullshit.
He doesn't have Detroit roots - that's just me. He definitely has the Arkansas thing going on though. He was raised in AR, then moved to Alabama for a few years while DH was young and then they all settled here in Colorado.
I really do wish the best for him. He's a great man, very sweet, kind, but come on. Get your head straight buddy!
YES Identity! He has become
YES Identity! He has become a horny teenager all over again it seems!
And he's not one to hurt anyone's feelings, so it floors both DH and I to hear how he's toying around with these women. Then gets all bent out of shape if they don't want to be friends with him anymore!