Shocking admission by Hubby
Hi all,
Quick recap: we recently moved to a 1 bedroom apartment due to SD14 not coming around all summer. DH and BM forced her to last month and now DH and SD are trying to "rebuild" their relationship. I have told DH that I'm still uncomfortable with SD and asked that he visit her (anytime he wants) away from our apartment and that she gave up her overnights by ignoring him for 4 mos. They agreed to every Tuesday night and every 3rd Saturday to start the "rebuilding" process.
Last night driving to dinner, he asked me what we were doing the weekend of Dec 15 (I leave for my Christmas visitation with my daughter in Michigan on 12/20 for 10 days). I said "Don't you have SD that Saturday?" He said "I'd really like to spend that weekend with you for "our" Christmas since you'll be gone and I'll have SD for the following weekend". I told him he can do as he wishes while I'm gone, but I'm still uncomfortable with the idea of her sleeping on our couch overnight. He agreed that she gave her overnight rights up and didn't mean that she'd be staying the weekend, just that he'd have her for Christmas and if she wanted to come over, she could, but not stay overnight.
Then the shocker: He said "you know I told her she has a TON of trust to build with me and I'm no where near trusting her. I'm afraid that if you're not home and she's there, if she gets mad at me for any reason, she'll claim I hurt her or touched her inappropriately"...
Now, before everyone gets into an uproar thinking there's a bigger issue at hand - the reason behind this is SD's cousin did this to her dad (SD's uncle) at age 12. She went to her mother saying her dad touched her inappropriately (all because she was pissed he didn't allow her to have a sleepover that weekend) and poor uncle went through HELL trying to prove his innocence. Of course, he never touched her, she eventually admitted to lying and he never spent any time locked up, but traumatizing all around. DH remembers this well, as this was his brother and niece. Niece is grown now and no longer a part of their family. SD is well aware of this situation.
Since SD14 has a history of lying and twisting people's words to her advantage dating back to the age in which she developed speech, DH is notably nervous to be with her alone at our apartment. I was just shocked to hear him say it. I totally agree and that wasn't the reason I do not approve of her staying overnight, but it makes sense. I worry about my cat as I've caught SD being mean to him and DH won't allow him to sleep in our bedroom at night because he keeps him awake. So, if SD was spending the night, she would have no choice other than to sleep in the living room where the cat is and I'm afraid with no supervision, if he pissed her off, she'd hurt him.
Pretty sad when your husband is afraid to be alone with his own daughter for fear that if he upsets her or tells her no, she'll retaliate!!!!! But, since this girl has lied about us to her mother, her therapist, her grandparents, etc - we are now in "protection" mode with guards up and full armor on. I can't trust her as far as I can throw a Buick. Apparently, he feels the same.
I just feel sick that she even has to be a part of our otherwise very HAPPY lives. She is toxic, a liar, nasty, lazy, mean, manipulative and generally miserable.
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Comments
I have no doubt it's
I have no doubt it's possible. If he is afraid of that happening, easy solution: DONT HAVE HER OVER AT THE HOUSE AND MEET WITH HER IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
If not, NANNY CAM ALL OVER THE PLACE AND RECORD RECORD RECORD.
It's ridiculous he has to be afraid of his own daughter. I can't imagine any sort of person willing to throw their own father under the bus like that and accuse them of such atrocities when it did not occur.
That's what I told him. I
That's what I told him. I said, while I'm gone, it's not a good idea if you have this fear to have her here at the apartment alone. He said he'd pick her up from her mom's and take her to his dad's and grandparent's and brother's (not the same brother as mentioned before, he lives in FL).
I just don't see a need to ever have her at our place, period. I don't feel comfortable around her, there's nothing for her to do at our place, no friends, she doesn't even have her own room anymore.
It is ridiculous and we didn't go into depth about it last night as he brought it up right before we made the turn into the restaurant parking lot for dinner and obviously didn't want to discuss it at a public place.
Since it's Tuesday and he'll be visiting with her after work, I plan on asking him to elaborate more after he gets home tonight.
A few years ago, I couldn't
A few years ago, I couldn't have imagined that either.
I honestly believe my SD would do it in a heartbeat if she got money or attention out of throwing her dad under the bus or if her mom told her to. (At this point she's 23 doesn't pay rent or utilities, do her laundry or clean up after herself. Her mom/"best friend" does it all for her). That's part of the reason I feel I have to protect him from his own gullible self, but at the same time, I think your responsibility is to tell him the hard truth as you see it. If he doesn't want to change it or is willing to kowtow to her, he's setting himself up for disaster and he'll just have to dig himself out if the worst happens.
SD has already proven herself
SD has already proven herself to not be trustworthy or honest and to try and harm us and our relationship with her lies. I don't trust her, DH doesn't trust her and Hell, even DH's dad doesn't trust her!
RedWing, this makes NO sense
RedWing, this makes NO sense to me.
(FYI I have had a situation similar to this in my family. She wrongly accused her father and it nearly ruined his life.)
SD has a cousin, who at age 12, accused her father of nastiness. This cousin is now grown and gone, so let's just say she's 25. That would mean this happened thirteen years ago. When SD was ONE.
And your DH is trying to use THAT as a basis for potential sex complaints from his daughter?? How on EARTH does this make any sense??
Sorry, given this information and your DH's known sexual proclivities, I think you need to be worried. That's my personal opinion, of course.
Just because it happened when
Just because it happened when SD was one, doesn't mean that it was told to her at that age. This cousin was brought up at a family gathering last year and SD asked what happened and why she was ousted from the family. DH's dad told her the reason. THAT is why she knows of the situation.
This kid has lied about everything the minute she doesn't get what she wants. I didn't invite her to our housewarming/poker party - she went back to her mother THAT evening saying I hit her, slammed her against a wall and called her a slut. DH didn't invite her for our weekend away last year (because he was going to propose to me), she immediately threw a huge fit, ran home to her mother saying that DH called her all kinds of nasty names and threatened to KILL her. That's just 2 incidences. Not to mention her getting pissed off at DH and making up all kinds of stories so she wouldn't have to come to our place at all over the summer. And her getting mad at my daughter for kicking her out of their shared bedroom for having phone sex with her boyfriend using my daughter's phone, so 15 beers disappear from our fridge and guess who SD blamed?
And my DH was a sissy sexually before he met me. I'm the one who "corrupted" him. Hell, he was happy to get sex more than once every six months and NEVER brought up being adventurous or anything. I was the one who introduced him to what he considers sexual independence now. He and BM had missionary style sex once every 6 mos or so and only when he asked her.
Thanks for your opinion, but I know this man very well and he's definitely not a pervert or would he ever harm her in any way. He is being proactive KNOWING SD knows of the cousin's story and KNOWING SD lies her ass off the minute she doesn't get what she wants. I'm proud of him for being honest with his feelings.
Ok. I just think it's
Ok.
I just think it's ridiculous for a man to "pre-empt" a sex complaint based on something someone else did many years ago.
Put up some nanny cams and call it good. Then he can still be an actual father to his daughter, and is protected if she makes up a story.
BTW, you "think" he was a sex sissy. You'll never really "know" because you weren't around. (My husband tells me the exact same thing...he never really "knew what sex was" until he met me. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I sure as hell wasn't in his bedroom with BM!)
It wasn't just a sex
It wasn't just a sex complaint, he also said "hurt her" as in physically harm her. She attempted that bullshit with me telling her mom that I hit her and slammed her against a wall all because I told her our party was adults-only and she couldn't come!!!!
I choose to believe him when he tells me something, only because this man has the HARDEST time lying about anything. He almost gave away my past 2 birthday surprises because he can't lie to me.
And to see the look on his face when I took him to the sex club for the first time - you can't fake that. If he truly had been sexually experienced in such things, well, he deserves an oscar.
Speaking to his friends that know BM for the entire time they were married, she's a cold, uptight and very reserved type that wouldn't even allow him to watch porn or go to bachelor parties. She threatened to divorce him if he went to his best friend's bachelor party so he didn't go!
Ok.
Ok.
I agree that certain things
I agree that certain things aren't related.
I happen to think that DH's reasoning is ludicrous. If I had a man give me a pre-emptive strike against sex abuse claims, you can bet your ass I'd be doing serious recon to find out what he was hiding. To me, that's just not "normal."
And she's isn't a little child. She's a teenager... who has discussed sex with the OP and her DH, her sexuality, and other assorted inappropriate sexual conversations between parent/child.
I mean, really, what teenager knows that her stepmother is bisexual and that her dad and SM swing and hang out at nudist joints? Doesn't that seem a little... too involved... in their sex life?
Back up - she has NO clue
Back up - she has NO clue about DH and I. She only knows I'm bisexual due to the fact that she overheard a friend of mine mention it and asked me. I don't lie.
How on earth do you think she KNOWS what DH and I do when we're not with her? Hell, none of our friends, family or anyone other than what I've posted ANONYMOUSLY on this site know, why do you think his own kid does?
I could have sworn this has
I could have sworn this has been discussed with her. If I'm wrong, I apologize.
I've seen two people's lives destroyed by complaints...one was SS's, and the other was the man I mentioned before. I understand how awful it is.
No way! I would NEVER
No way! I would NEVER discuss stuff like this with her. Hell, I'm very open and honest with MY daughter (also 14) and feel comfortable telling her almost anything, but mine and DH's sex life is NO one's business, much less our CHILDREN. ICK EWWWWW BLECH!
She does know I'm bi - but again, that's because a friend mentioned something at a get together and SD overheard and asked me. I'm not gonna lie. I simply said "yes" and left it at that.
She "came out" to me last month because she was afraid to tell her own mom and wanted my advice on how I told my parents. Her mom said she actually thought she was a lesbian, and told her she supported her no matter what. DH simply said "ok, whatever makes you happy".
I think DH is just being proactive and has a good reason to be. He KNOWS what she's capable of doing. Hell, this kid LIED to her therapist about being involved in the ATV accident that almost killed me and my daughter - she wasn't even there to witness it!!!! She LIES and the minute someone makes her mad, she lies some more to get sympathy, attention, her way, whatever. She's done this since day one and finally admitted some of her lies last month to DH.
DH and I have been open and honest with each other about everything, which is why I think he felt comfortable enough to come to me about being afraid of being left alone with his own daughter. I can't imagine how he must feel to have that fear. After all this kid has put us through, it's definitely a viable threat, that the minute she doesn't get her way, great harm could come to DH if she wanted it to. She knows what happened with her cousin and just because it was a long time ago, doesn't mean it doesn't still impact their family now.
Wait, if none of your current
Wait, if none of your current friends know about your sex life, isn't it's possible that DH's old friends were clueless about his sex life with the ex?
DH discussed his lack of sex
DH discussed his lack of sex life with his best friend of 28 yrs. He chooses NOT to discuss OUR sex life with anyone, due to the fact that we're adventurous and "not traditional" - he doesn't want to be judged by anyone.
Since he and BM didn't really HAVE much of a sex life, his friends knew about it. Also, when his best friend invited him (he was the best man for his wedding) to host his bachelor party, he had to explain that his wife wouldn't allow him to attend because she was so uptight about bachelor parties!
She's NOT aware of anything
She's NOT aware of anything DH and I do, period. I would never (nor would my husband) tell our children any details of our sex life at all. That's just wrong!
Yeah, there's no way in Hell
Yeah, there's no way in Hell anyone that knows us personally would know about this.
I agree. Just because DH and
I agree. Just because DH and I enjoy an adventurous, non traditional style sex life and SD14 is aware that I'm bi sexual, does not imply that DH is a sexual deviant or is "hiding" anything.
I was impressed that he felt comfortable enough to share his concerns. Did he have to tell me anything? Hell no. I'm gonna be out of the state so it would've been his choice to NOT have his daughter over at our place while I'm gone. I would've never known one way or another. He never had to mention one word to me about his fears or concerns that SD may lie about anything if she gets mad at him.
In fact, she could lie about anything at any time. I suggested having his dad pick her up from home and then DH meet them at his dad's, but then he said he worried that his dad and her would be alone for any given time. She's also lied about her grandmother yelling at her and slapping her before. So, yeah, since this kid is such a liar, it's hard to trust her in any given situation!
Thanks - he has a voice
Thanks - he has a voice recorder on his phone. I'm sure that would be a good tool to use in this kind of situation.
Like I said, it's just sad that she lies the way she does and has put him in this predicament!
Thanks and yes, initially, I
Thanks and yes, initially, I was shocked that he did bring this up but yes, it is completely understandable, given our history with this kid.
She lied to us for more than a year, saying she wanted us to be together, wanted us to be happy, wanted us to get married, she wasn't trying to break us up, etc. Then just last month ADMITTED that she can't stand me, didn't want us to be together, wanted her parents to reconcile, etc.
Since she has a history of twisting people's words to use to her advantage the minute she gets mad or is told no, and we KNOW this - I think it's best we're safe.
I told him if he HAS to bring
I told him if he HAS to bring her to our place for any reason when I'm not there, to have his dad or a friend meet him there or set up a camera.
Yeah I agree with you.
Yeah I agree with you.