What to Do?
In summary, DH and my relationship is as follows:
We dated in college and after we both became divorced, started new relationships but reconnected via internet. Our relationships fizzled and I moved 7 states to be with him. We recently got married. He has primary custody of SD9 who sees her BM every other weekend from Fri 6pm to Sun 6pm. There is a lot of hate between DH and BM as she cheated on him numerous times and got caught then said she would sign over primary custody for $10,000 (I know, right?). He obliged. Now she states to everyone who will listen, including SD9 that he "took" the child from her. She is bipolar and has stated that she self medicates herself depending on her mood.
Recently, I feel that things have gone from bad to worse and she does everything to spite us and how we raise SD9. It is always "fun" time at her house and she coddles to SD9 giving her whatever she wants as long as she is not inconvenienced and it doesnt cost her anything. Recently, the emails between SD9 and BM on facebook have gotten obsessive and downright creepy with all the talk about "I miss you soooooo much, I cant wait to see you. Please know that I always love you and will always be here for you no matter what. I cry looking at your picture at night because your dad keeps you from me, yada yada" It is the same thing over and over plus some.
My problem is that recently SD9, when leaving to go to her BM doesnt even acknowledge that I am around and never says bye. I have a hard time with this as I am the ones that has to teach her about girl stuff and takes care of her and helps with homework but because DH and I cannot be the "fun" house, I am being treated like gum on the bottom of her shoe. Does this ever get any easier? What are some ways that I can talk with her and make her understand the way I feel?
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"I miss you soooooo much, I
"I miss you soooooo much, I cant wait to see you. Please know that I always love you and will always be here for you no matter what
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Perfectly normal statement.
I cry looking at your picture at night because your dad keeps you from me,
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Not normal at all.
Maybe have DH tell BM that he will cut off her facebook if BM does not tone it down.
DH has expressed to SD9 that
DH has expressed to SD9 that he has read the correspondence between her and BM and that is not health to talk this way and this was an outlet for her to talk to friends and not to go back and forth with her BM, but that she could call her anytime or use her KOL email to keep in touch.
Since then SD9 has infrequently communicated with her BM via facebook so we have allowed her to keep it
You might want to keep a copy
You might want to keep a copy of that for future court cases. Just a thought.
You need to visit the library
You need to visit the library and get two books (for now ;-)) "step mother hood" and "love him love his kids". You will realize that these behaviors by both bm & sd are "normal" and others are experiencing the same things. You have to focus on you, your dh and the sd in that order and don't worry so much about what bm is doing or saying. As sd gets older she will value having you there as a role model and will cherish your relationship with her. If it never happens then it doesn't but you are the adult even when other adults are not being adults. It's your actionsyou control not the actions of others.
Good luck!!!
Reading a book entitled "love
Reading a book entitled "love him love his kids" will no more make me love his child than reading a diet book will make me skinny.
I hope that it will be enough
I hope that it will be enough in the end for us as well. Recently she has even told SD9 that at a certain age she can decide to go live with her, which is a lie as she would have to fight us in court and prove us unfit. The lies that pour out of her mouth to SD9 are constant struggles for us as we feel that SD9 is too young to hear about why they divorced or how her mom struggles with her bills because DH forces her to pay child support. We never tell her the truth just say that "there are always two sides to every story".
You need to get that kid in
You need to get that kid in counseling! She needs to talk to someone not personally involved.. and the counselor will break it off in BM's Bullshit immediately!
Thebrightside the book
Thebrightside the book actually explains a lot of the situations we as step parents find ourselves in, but before you judge my post, the book you are referring to discusses that is okay to NOT love or even like his kids. A book is not going to make you do anything, but it will give you solace that you are not alone and provide you with another point of view.
I think and believe there ate many people on here that ate so bitter that can't tell the difference between normal and nature vs non normal or un natural.
Thebrightside the book
Thebrightside the book actually explains a lot of the situations we as step parents find ourselves in, but before you judge my post, the book you are referring to discusses that is okay to NOT love or even like his kids. A book is not going to make you do anything, but it will give you solace that you are not alone and provide you with another point of view.
I think and believe there ate many people on here that ate so bitter that can't tell the difference between normal and nature vs non normal or un natural.
At some stage your DH will
At some stage your DH will have to let go his anger and hatred for his ex. She cheated on him. This says more about her than him.
So when he lets go this simmering anger and just treats her as a business partner with your SD being 'the business' life will be a lot easier.
If she leaves without saying good bye ... in my house that is just bad manners. Is her BM standing at the door or does her father take her there? If her BM is standing there she may be trying to point out to her mother where her loyalties will lie for the next 48 hrs. It is likely BM is laying on the Guilt Trip and SD is finding out how to get the most from her mother.
If her father is taking her, he should be teaching his daughter to say "Bye! See you Sunday!" or something like that. Manners and good behaviour tuition does not solely fall in YOUR lap.
If you feel that Mommy Dearest gets all the fun stuff she doesn't. She gets to spend up large on a cute 9 yr old who will turn (in 4 yrs) into a 13 yrs old..... DUCK! INCOMING! SD knows very well who she can rely on for what. The trick is to keep this about YOUR house and YOUR time ... you get her 288 hrs every 2 weeks and BM gets her 48 hrs. Not much is it?
Why is a 9 year old even on
Why is a 9 year old even on Facebook??? Sorry but that is really bad parenting on your DH's part. As for BM and her game playing all he has to do is shut down the page. As for the "fun house" you can't compete with it. Don't even try.