Acting ‘dumb’ on purpose
Anyone else have Skids that "act dumb" on purpose? My SD12 does this and it drives me insane.
I think she does this because she thinks it's funny and cute and people will laugh at/with her and she soaks it allllllllll in everytime. Literally anything that will give her attention she will do, even if it's negative.
She purposely mispronounces words and if she didn't get the reaction she is looking for she'll continue to do it over and over until someone points it out.
She told us at school when all her friends were laughing about something that she kept saying how she didn't understand and her friend said "Oh yeah we have to explain it to you 'The Holly way!'" As in...they have to 'dumb it down' for her. And she was laughing about this and almost priding herself on this.
These are just a few examples. Wondering if anyone else has Skids that do this and/or if they had kids do this when they were around this age and how they have ended up turning out when older? She already gets terrible grades and tests very low.
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I am ashamed to admit that i
I am ashamed to admit that i did that for a time in middle school. My grades were good and i was in advanced classes, but sometimes i would act like i had trouble with words when reading aloud in class (because a lot of the popular kids struggled.) I did it because i felt "weird" and wanted to fit in. It was stupid of me and one of the things i look back and cringe at. It sounds like that's SD's "thing" that she feels makes her special. If i were you and she was doing it at home, i would say "Now SD, i know you know better than that. You are smarter than you give yourself credit for." Also, if she gets positive attention for doing "smart" things, she might be less likely to do dumb things, and you might be less likely to want to drive her somewhere far away and drop her off lol.
I hear ya
I have said things along those lines to her. Or, (this kind of goes hand in hand) she will often act like she 'can't do something' like lift a box that is, maybe, 15/20 lbs and I'll says "Holly come on you know you can do that. Stop faking it." I try to not be too harsh because 1.) It isn't my job to really discipline or correct her on a serious level. I leave that to her dad. (Even though he isn't that great at it. LOL) and 2.) She responds terribly; often standing there staring at me blankly for a few minutes then runs away crying because she can't handle any kind of discomfort, confrontation or correction at all. Then I feel like a jerk lol.
I have always given her positive reinforcement when she makes smart decisions or tries to figure things out on her own or if she gets a positive review at school. Her dad does too but (I don't mean to sound mean here) those circumstances are far and few in between, unfortunately.
When it comes to my SD she is just one of those kids that could get CONSTANT 24/7 attention from every single person in the world and it'll never be enough for her. She wants the entire world to give her attention every moment and second of her life.
I just get so nervous and upset when I watch her refuse to apply herself and I think she's her own worst enemy holding herself back on purpose for "laughs and attention."
I hope she grows out of this instead of making this her entire personality and identity.
What would happen if, instead
What would happen if, instead of getting laughs and attention, she met with people's quiet embarrassment and pitying looks. Kind of hard to feed off of that...
Only problem
Is that attention is attention either positive or negative especially in skid land. Best to let her carry on then when she gets in your face to ask what you think of it or keeps repeating what she said, act like you haven't heard a thing. "What?" "Oh were you saying something?" "Sorry I didn't hear you/ wasn't listening."
Lathee rinse repeat until she gets sick of it that she's only going to get the same response.
Yes!
You guys are both right in this thread! And this is exactly how I try to approach it when she does her dumb little girl act, I'll either just ignore it and don't say anything or I respond in a way that I'm hoping she will just feel embarrassed by because I don't think it's cute or funny to pretend to act dumb for attention and making your entire personality "the dumb/ditzy friend."
Problem is, of course, getting DH to see the act for what it is. I'd say it's about a solid 50-50 that he will recognize she is doing this and tell her to knock it off (of course extremely gently because, you know, we can't have the 12-year-old's feelings hurt in anyway whatsoever) or, the other half of the time he is just oblivious to it and laughs and feeds into it because I think for some reason when you have divorced dad guilt and the child has half your DNA, rose-colored-glasses are genetically built into your face. *eyeroll*
Sounds like you are doing all
Sounds like you are doing all you can. I agree also with ignoring. People who crave attention won't keep doing things that don't get them any.
She sounds like a prime
She sounds like a prime candidate for the "Knock it off or I will give you something to cry about now pick up the box and do as you are told. NOW!!!!!!"
And when she does it at school, she needs to spend countless hours during what should be her free time writing countless thousands of sentences all in perfect handwriting, grammar, and spelling.
"I will not play dumb to seek attention. It is not cute, it is not appealing, and it makes me look like an idiot."
She is the optimal age for sentences. SS-31 wrote countless thousands of them all focused on a message he needed to recognize.
Now... he has beautiful handwriting so... there were benefits beyond just the message learned in the sentences.
If she wants to be stupid, let her be miserable while she learns a lesson.
It works.
Reason number 637 why I
Reason number 637 why I disengaged from SS16...
Yup! Haha
Hahaha, lets hear the other 636 reasons. LOL!
This comment made me chuckle..... *ROFL*
SD does all sorts of dumb
SD does all sorts of dumb games to get attention and I just can't be bothered with it anymore and try to ignore it best I can.
Right.
Yeah, I either don't feed into it/respond when she acts dumb or I give a response that I'm hoping will make her feel dumb/silly to discourage her from acting that way.
She made a comment the other day to DH and said "Mom dooesn't talk to me." So he's like "What do you mean?" Then she goes, "Well when I'm at moms and I do something or we are in the living room together and I say something to her she will just ignore me." So, of course, DH gets all high alert and upset (not in front of her) but he brought it up to me later on about how upset/sad it made him to hear that and while I undertsand to, a certain extent, I also know how she can be and while the way BM handles it may be wrong (not sure because I'm not there to witness the exact circumstance) I know she is probably doing those same things over there and her mom is not feeding into her "dumb/ditzy" behavior therefore ignoring it, OR she's trying to interupt and engage in adult conversations that have nothing to do with her because she can't stand not being the center of every conversation and interjects all the time and so her mom doesn't feel the need to explain the entire backstory of her conversation that doesnt involve SD (and is sometimes not even kid appropriate to be a part of) because I have done the same thing to SD and I'm SURE she has probably went to her mom's likley saying the same thing about me. *dash1*
Theres even a name for it...
Its called "Learned Helplessness", and its because if you pretend to be helpless enough times, people will do things for you or not expect anything of you. Also, with her low grades, she might actually be on the slower side. Who knows. Im tired of trying to untangle things today. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the WHY's, because you arent the parent, you can only do so much. Disengagement helped me, but Im at the point where I dont care, I just dont.
Funny Learned Helplessness story from a recent experience. SD17almost18 has this "act" that drives me crazy. Its a part of the Learned Helplessness act, or Im Just a Little Girl act (yes at 17almost18). She will open her eyes wide, do this pouty thing (shes got big lips so its highly pronounced pouty) and have this high sing-song voice, with long pauses. Sometimes she will even have a little quaver in there like shes about to cry...
We were at husbands after Christmas "family reunion" and its huge. A long table with large pans of food. Paper plates, and all that. Sd17 PowerSulk stated she wasnt hungry. She had been dropped off with us a few minutes before we were to leave. But the point is she stated she wasnt hungry. We were there for 3 hours, shes on her phone in the corner texting her friends most of the time. Ok, cut to when we are getting our stuff together to leave and saying our goodbyes. "take some to go" is always the refrain and we always do. Power sulk looks at me with the big eyed pouty look, stating "I didnt get anything to eat!!! There arent any plates...?" As in Clove, provide me plates so that I have somethig to eat. Now, she could have just gone up to her auntie that hosted the thing, or uncle and mentioned there are no plates set out for togo, but no...its on me? This is HER family for the past 18 years shes gone to these things. But shes looking helplessly at me, the poor starving chiiiiiiiiild. (shes obese also, so shes not actually starving).
I should also mention that shes used to husband catering and coddling her, shes got no job, and no driving, a c student. Her sister at 24 Feral Forger SD has no license and no driving and works a job sometimes...when she can be bothered.
So you can see the parenting trend and probably you and I share in that same kind of frustration...
Oh yeah, my SOs daughter did
Oh yeah, my SOs daughter did that all the time. She would speak like a 5 y.o. who was clueless (as a teen). She knew her father fell for it and she could manipulate him by playing "daddy's little girl". She was an honor roll student but extremely dumb.
Mine are quite literally dumb
Mine are quite literally dumb....I thought it was an act until i realized that they can barely read/write and have 0 general knowledge
SD13thennow23 wanted to be vegan/vegetarian once but then told us that she ate chicken. My husband said that chicken is meat from animals and wouldnt be ok with being veg....She then acted surprised and asked "wait are chicken considered animals"...I almost wanted to respond no they are plants
Very very stupid kids...MSS17 is a bit smarter than the rest of the group but only for online stuff
Best of luck with ignoring the stupidity
Be careful because parents get really offended if you correct their kids or try to teach them anything. I let my husband do the correcting and teaching mostly
Learned helplessness turns
Learned helplessness turns into weaponized incompetence. A tween is old enough to employ it. Especially if it gets them out of chores and any other undesirable thing. Act like baby? Then get treated like a baby. Start taking away things that are only for older smarter kids. Feed into it so much that you are taking away things she's "too dumb" for. She won't see that coming. Talk about doing an age appropriate fun thing then when she gets excited , shoot her down that's when she is old enough, maybe. She'll protest but just throw her words back at her and remind her when she's old enough. She will get tired of this if it stops benefiting her. Getting out of chores is one thing but losing out on other things might speed up the process. It puts the choice on behavior back into her. You just shrug and move on. No lectures, just logical consequences for acting dumb.