We are going broke and DH won't stop spending on his adult children
I am now suffering anxiety attacks at night because our financial situation is so grim. I can't sleep, and my hair is falling out. Although I do love my DH, this money situation is taking us down and I am seriously considerng getting out of my marriage so "grim" doesn't turn into "grimmer."
DH and I are at the edge of the financial cliff, and looking down. Not because of layoffs or medical bills or low-paying jobs (thank God) or anything like that, but because of post-divorce debt that we brought to our marriage and the fact that DH cntinues to give our money to his adult children (he has 5 leeches in their 20s).
DH and I are seeing a CPA to try to get things in order--you know, figure out how bad things really are and to start a serious budget, etc. On the first visit, the CPA looked at our expenditures, turned to DH and said, "You have to STOP giving money to your kids!" I wanted to hug her.
DH agreed. He promised me that he would stop giving them money and instead put that money toward our debt. Fine in theory, I suppose, but putting this into practice is another thing altogether. I told DH that I would give him 3 months to prove to me that he can live up to his promise. I need to build confidence that he won't cave each and every time the losers slither in with some sob story.
Since then, he has spent another $1,385 on his adult children. $800 to save his credit on a co-signed lease that the alcoholic pothead SS21 broke, $200 to SD26 so she can travel to SS21's state to provide "moral support" at his sentencing for assault and battery, $200 in court costs because SD24 chose to drive her car without registration or insurance, and another $185 to tow and re-register SD24's car.
I am now the evil troll. Last night the cocaine-addict SS18 called him (she only calls when she wants money) and wanted him to pay for a new battery for her car. After all, he bought her the car, so he should be responsible for all repairs, right? He told her NO (gasp!) and then came to me trying to explain how much she needed the battery. I FLIPPED. I said a bunch of things I shouldn't have, like "I am sick of working harder to pay for your fu*&^ng LOSER kids!" blah blah blah, and of course he got angry at me.
At this point it's all my fault, in his eyes. I am the evil troll who tells him he can't give any more money to his adult kids, and he is angry at me. Actually, he has been angry at me a lot lately--like every time the phone rings and one of them is on the other end. I dread those calls. DH blames me--not them-- for his stress!
I don't know how much more of this I can take. Why, oh why, is DH sacrificing our marriage and finances for the 5 leeches who treat him like crap? I feel sick.
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THAT STINKS!
Im so sorry about all your troubles!! Maybe you will have to show him you mean business!...if there was some way for him to see that he is NOT helping them by enabling them. They will never learn to help themselves and in turn never grow up. Cant he see that if he were not around they would be forced to do things for themselves. SOme day that will happen...good luck!!!!!!!!!!
First some sympathy
And then some suggestions.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your finances should be the first priority, not dishing out money to grown children. It's great when you can give, but it MUST be a joint decision, and obviously it is not.
My husband is the same way when it comes to SD15. She long ago determined that how much you spend on her equates to how much you love her. And husband totally bought into that. He would spend on her every time he got a paycheck, to the point where he couldn't pay his bills. He even took money from his retirement fund to take her to Disney World and buy her a computer (she was 6 at the time).
I am assuming that your husband will not agree to separate accounts. That would be a deal-breaker for my husband, whose attitude is that "We are both in this together." Fine, but he is the spender, which causes some frustration on my part. I can't tell you when is the last time we were able to put any money in savings...
I don't think you'll ever be able to make your husband stop spending money entirely on his children. I think a better approach might be to budget a certain amount each month that he can give to his children as he sees fit. Keep an Xcel spreadsheet. Then, every time he gives them money he must document it. If he's over the limit, he simply can't give them money.
I had to do that with my husband to get him to see how much he was really spending. He's doing much better now at staying within the limit, which has greatly decreased my level of resentment. Our biggest challenge was determining the budget amount. We argued over that a bit.
Maybe that will help?
Good advice Elizabeth :)
If DH isn't into spreadsheets, negotiate the amount he can spend and then put it in a seperate bank account (in joint names if he wants). Give him absolute discretion over what he spends it on and when. But once its gone, there is no more until next month.
}:) Being my husbands third wife does not make me third rate. It just means he is a slow learner }:)
Don't ask
permission to separate the finances, just do it. If he understands that is great, if he doesn't, oh well. He is not taking care of YOU so YOU have to make yourself first priority. He is making his children first priority.
For me, that would be sudden death deal breaker because I am anal about security.
Don't let him do it. Your hair depends on it!
And they do!
Really. Got one last month. After today's sentencing hearing, we may get another!
He isnt going to have money
He isnt going to have money when he is old and can no longer work... and those skids dont sound like the type that will take care of him when the time comes. I would point that out to him.
I like Elizabeth's idea of a budget, but I would first seperate the accounts into 3 accounts. 1 is his, 1 is yours, and 1 is the house account. from your account and his account should go an equal amount that is to cover the household expenses.. that account needs to be paid first. Then YOU control that account to make sure the household bills get paid. Then out of his account he needs to pay anything that has his name alone on it.. like the co-signed loans, the loan for the drug rehab that failed (that was like $100k.. right?), then out of your account, any debt w/just your name on it. Whatever is leftover in his account, tell him he can use it how he sees fit. He can not touch the household account nor yours. He must first pay the bills in his name... I would also consider demanding that he set up a retirement account (401k, IRA and that gets paid first)
This way, if he squanders HIS money.. which is everything that is left over AFTER HIS responsibilities are met.. you wont be having anxiety!
I wish I knew
Your DH is way over the line. He and his kids are codependent. Your DH is making this way worse and he is not teaching your skids anything. They will never learn if he keeps this up and keeps bailing them out. I believe in tough love.
This is not in any way your fault. Your DH is causing this. Your skids have problems but they are adults. This should not affect you and your marriage this way.
When your
ideal of money (what it is for and what you do with it) is directly opposite of what your spouse "lives" there is bound to be trouble. Ethics regarding savings/work/spending/etc have to be "one" in order for there to be harmony, therein lies the problem.
saving
Sarah, Just start saving all of your money into a private account. Let all the utilities be cut off and let him figure out where the money is going to come from to get them turned on. Maybe he could ask his kds for a loan.
OCD Budget
I have a system that works for us. LOL. We have seven bank accounts. We have 2 savings accounts with USAA, and 3 (his, mine, ours) checking. Then we have another two accounts at a local branch, checking and savings, that we do not touch ever. We get paid every week. I have an excel sheet with every paycheck, and the bills that have to go out. I have the check amount, the amount going to savings, our allowances, then bills. Savings always go in first, then our spending money, then bills. Whatever is left over is used on gas, groceries, entertainment for the family. I send him an email every week with the weekly breakdown. If he has an issue with it, we will discuss it. It's pretty cut and dry. We have an emergency savings, a long-term savings, a savings account for the house payment, that is emptied the first of every month. I feel terrible sometimes because I am so controlling, but he is so bad with money that I had to take the reins. He has a debit card for his account only, and I hold the other cards. When we have his kids, we use funds from our joint account, but everything else comes out of his personal money.
In both our previous marriages, money was such a big issue. It always led to fights. I am happy to say that money is not something we fight about now. I am an advocate for this system. I have set this up for two other couples, and worked with them on their budgets, and both are happier. It's more "Fair" I guess. I have the security of knowing that when we do eventually get married, that we will not battle over money.
I am sorry that your DH is jeopardizing your future. You have to take care of yourself, b/c ultimately no one else will. Limiting his access to money should not be a problem if he really is willing to work on your financial future together.
I'm so sorry this is happening Sarah
Maybe it's time for a legal separation. You can get your finances separated and ask him to move out. Rent out a couple bedrooms so you can make the mortgage payment. He can rent his own place and go broke with the sucking kids.
Right now he has both of your incomes to prop up his loser kids. When he is down to just his own income, he will go broke, be homeless, etc. - all the things the kids should be due to their own decisions, he will now be. Then he will see what they are doing to themselves and maybe decide he doesn't want those things done to him also. He might think that things will be easier without you trying to get in his business with his kids, but he will find out that his life will be a lot more painful when he is broke.
Try to find some low cost/free legal counsel.
Good luck.
Nellie
PS Techknowledgy is looking better and better ha ha
So frustrating
I so value all your advice and heartfelt comments!
The CPA told us we should set up a "his" "hers" "household" account system, and I'm doing that now. DH is OK with that. I don't think he knows what this means for him. He will soon enough.
I am taking the child support for BD12 and sticking that into my account, along with any money from the extra work I do in addition to my full-time job. No more will I just feed our household account.
Luckily, early on in our marriage I listened to my inner voice and never took our any joint credit accounts with DH. What I did do--and oh, I regret this now--is take on a large portion of his credit card debt because I have lower interest rates. So if we split I'll have to liquidate just about everything to pay of a portion of the debt that would officially be in my name.
But all the debt for his kids--including the $100,000 for rehab for the cocaine addict SD18 and the $125,000 in student loans that his kids are defaulting on---is IN HIS NAME ONLY. What's more, he signed on those loans BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, so it's not "marital debt to be split."
Since I took on his credit card debt, he's just run up more on his cards paying for his adult kids--car repairs, college money, "loans," plane tickets, etc. So we're in even deeper.
My decision would be so much easier if the housing market was better. I sunk all the proceeds of my former home sale into the down payment on our current home (he kept his former home as a rental, BTW), and if I sold now I'd take a bath. That's part of what's motivating me to try and work things out with DH. I need to wait out the housing market, but I don't know if I'll have enough time.
My goal now is to seperate our debt and assets and start working on mine, and mine alone. This will take a few weeks. It's so scary--I've never been in this much debt my entire life!
I just know that as long as DH thinks there's money in the till, he'll be forking it over to his loser kids.
I feel so out of control.
We are in the same situation...
What got my DH to change was explaining to him that if he went bankrupt paying everything he had to the ex's, he wouldn't be able to support his kids in any way at all for a long time.
Now he understands that short term tightening of the belt is necessary to protect our long term financial future.
I know a couple
That have three grown children, the oldest being 40 and the youngest around 34. All three boys have jobs and their own families but this couple is currently in bankruptcy from "helping" these grown kids. From mortgages to car payments, bail outs and gifts they have spent their entire retirement and have nothing to fall back on. Niether one of them are in the best of health and the stress from thier finances have caused even more issues. I can't blame you for being disgusted by your DH's behavior in light of your financial woes, don't have any answers for you but it is just such a shame to see how bad grown children can affect their parents lives.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
A little off topic
You said "I am now suffering anxiety attacks... I can't sleep, and my hair is falling out."
That sounds like you have a problem with your thyroid. Yes, it will effect your mind & make you stress about things, even when life is going well. I can't imagine having to go through it in the middle of a stressful time. Please please please look into it. It won't solve your problems but it will help you be able to deal with them better.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"