Adhd vs parenting fail
So, first thing first... Dh and bm are now on a wierd schedule, have been for a while, seems to be ok... Issue is, ss has been having some minor behavior issues. Nothing huge... As far as I'm concerned, it's all normal boundary pushing crap.
Ss saw a "specialist", and now adhd is being tossed around.
It's not so much that i don't believe in adhd, i just have a lot of skepticism for diagnostics...because i think that a good chunk of adhd diagnoses are misidentified, they should rather be called "parenting fails".
Ss is generally well behaved, other tham normal bratty 5 year old stuff... And the fact he doesn't listen to his mother or grandmother, yet listens decently well to dh and extremely well to me, makes me think the kid is very intelligent in how he chooses how to act with different people. Controlled behavior. He doesn't act that way with me, because he doesn't get away with it... Tries with dh, because dh still has buttons ss knows hiw to push...and acts like a turd with his mom/granfma, cuz acting like a brat gets him his way.
Now dh is on the adhd bandwagon... And has said stuff that seems like he's excusing ss's craopy behavior of late because if the "possible adhd".
I straight out told him that if the diagnosis was made based on a description if ss's behaviir alone, that perhapd adhd could be used to describe the behavior... But asked whether the "specialist" was made aware of the complete lack of discipline, consistency, and consequences for thise behaviors at his mom's house... Dh backslid a little, saying that it's not his fault... And i said he was right, it's not ss's fault he gets away with acting that way...
Wasn't a fight or anything but dh is frustrated and thinks I'm just "intoletant of disabilities".
Omg when he said that i lost it...in my head... In my teenage years i did volunteering with a group that hung out with disabled kids, field trips and swimming and crafts and stuff... I have NO ill regards towards people with disabilities, physical OR mental... And 2 - I don't consider adhd a "disability" . maybe it is, i don't care...I just don't think that a child's poor behaviour should be 100% attributed to adhd when there are some known parenting issues.
I told dh that if ss was truly adhd, he would have just as much trouble listening to me or him than his mom, and school would have brought up a concern.
Dh disagrees.. And that's fine, we've agreed to disagree.... And he's aware, and cool with, the fact that *I* am still not going to excuse ss's poor behavior, when it happens, on the adhd reason.
My brother has adhd. It was managed with coping mechanisms, diet, routine, and discipline. Not saying all (true) cases can be... But I am 100% confident ss does NOT have adhd, he just acts certain ways with certain people because he CAN.
I'm worried at this point that dh will regress in his progress with raising ss... He's already let ss get away with a few more things than usual "because it's not his fault he can't help it he has adhd".
I'm ready to smack him upside the head.
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Oh and i'm also bitter that I
Oh and i'm also bitter that I was not made aware of this specialist stuff until AFTER it was done... Apparently bm told dh she was taking him to be evaluated, dh let her, and is now deferring to bm's "expert parenting" rather than, you know, actual parenting. Since she's always been mother of the year and all. *rolls eyes*
How could the "specialist"
How could the specialist make an accurate diagnosis without talking to you and DH? If SS behaves for you, and no one from the school sees a behavior problem, it is doubtful the child has ADHD.
Would your DH do some research about ADHD on his own - or could you show him anything that would explain that it is not dependent on who the kid is around?
Sorry you are in the middle of this!
That's what I told dh....
That's what I told dh.... That's why i've been writing "specialist" with "".
Also...dh isn't a computer guy... Or much of a reader.
Who the heck makes a diagnosis based on a she-said half arsed description from someone who doesn't even have the kid 50% of the time?
THIS!
THIS!
My son has ADHD. I never thought my son had ADHD until the specialist told us. The diagnosis took much more than me simply taking him in to see her. They would not test him without both my DH and I present. They would not even give us an appointment until we had questionnaires filled out by all teachers and caregivers in advance.
My son is not on meds, and I don't feel that it is necessary at this point in time. I do, however, see that my son's brain works much differently than either of his brothers'. He even shuts down and falls asleep around high stimulation (assemblies in school, music class, etc.) A kid with ADHD may act "better" around certain individuals, but it will still be obvious. I can only express an opinion on my own experience, though.
I really hope SS is not just given meds to make life easier for his mother. Even for kids that need meds it can be a nightmare! Ugh!
Ahhh yes you have one of
Ahhh yes you have one of those BM's.
Lets see just how much bm loves loves loves her child. "bm I am sorry our son behaves differently at our house and your house. PLEASE let him live with us for the next year. I believe we can work thru your concerns about him having adhd. You dont want him medicated do you".
IF bm flat out tells you no.....then you will know what she is really made of.
Check out Dr. Craig Childress maybe Google key words Dr Childress ADHD. He treats kids without medication effectively. It is all behavior. IF the diagnosis is correct.
Also...please start researching adhd meds...they are meth based. Are you aware there are many parents who insist their kids have adhd, only to turn around and sell or take the meds for the buzz?
I was in your shoes about
I was in your shoes about three years ago. My SS, who lives with us primarily, was/is well behaved child when he was with us and then a wild child with BM. BM would email DH saying they need to get SS on some kind of meds because of his behavior, but we never had those issues with him. In kindergarten, I talked to SS's teacher about what she thought about it. She had seen decades worth of children and would give her honest opinion about medicating whereas we know bm only wants the meds so she can do even less parenting than she does now and SS will just veg out in front of the tv. Teacher sided with us and told us he does have ADHD on top of just being a social butterly and a curious kid and it probably doesn't manifest as much in our home because he is stimulated whereas at school (and most likely BMs) he doesn't have someone there to constantly guide him through his choices but she told us to hold off on meds as she could handle him just fine without.
Second year of school rolled around and that teacher wasn't having any of it. I, like you, had a hard time accepting that SS was just as responsible for his behavior as his mom was for her lack of parenting him. We tried out some medication on the lowest dose we could get and instead of the yellow and red faces (bad, very bad) now we are Blues and Purples almost everyday (excellent, above excellent with a treasure from the teacher) and rarely do we get just a "good" face. SS's pediatrician is old school. He was my pediatrician, my cousin's and is my bio's as well. He told me to think of the meds as less of a zombie drug (because that is what I feared BM would use it for once we diagnosed him) but more of an aid to slow his thought patterns down so his brain has time to weigh his choices and pause impulse control. And since BM is just the type that wants to have something to fight about, she now refuses to give SS the meds on "her" time after her putting us through crap and harrassment because we wouldn't do it at first.
Bm actually abandonned ss
Bm actually abandonned ss with us a while back.. She couldn't handle him.
She's a disney mom.
Dh was a disney dad to a certain extent... And learned how to get away from that. Now all of a sudden, she knows best?
F that.
I do know some about adhd... Not a alot.. But i know enough to know the difference between a kid being a brat because it works, and a kid who can't help themselves from behavioral issues.
Ss is great when he's here. He listens, he's focused, takes direction well, can be patient... When he's with bm, he's a total pain in the ass to the point she's called dh to try to make him listen to her and still pawns ss off wherever she can whenever she can for the 3 days a week she has him.
Ss doesn't have adhd. Je just has a crappy mother, and he kniws exactly how to manipulate her to drive her crazy to get what he wants. He doesn't pull that carp here. (Much.)
The behavior issues are
The behavior issues are parenting fails. Your ss might have ADHD but have does not give anyone a pass for being a turd.
My son who is now 22 yo has diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5 and he had no behavioral problems, he was polite, smart, kind. He was also unable to sit still, ball of energy and had trouble concentrating on schoolwork.
I think you are right your ss knows what he can get away with each adult in his life.