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Isn't that some BS

Shopaholic's picture

Submitted by Shopaholic on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 1:42am

So BM wants SS to play sports, and yeah that is great but we are not paying for it. Yeah it seems mean but DH and I are not rich people we are middle class with a son of our own. SS lives with us and BM is suppose to pay child support I say suppose to since she hasn't paid in over a year and 1/2, she chooses not to work. Over the summer she signed SS up for 2 summer camps but then did not send him and did not bother to call the summer camp place and now she is sticking us with the bill because DH is the responsible parent, the bill is $600. I love how she likes to mention fun ideas to SS and then let us break it to him when we tell him no. Now we did tell him that he could play as long as his mother pays for it. I am not totally sure how sports work but I sure hope it is pay all upfront thing so she does not stick us with the bill for this too. Also I love how she will find money if it is something fun for her SS to do but doesn't have money for child support. Then DH said well if SS doesn't get to play sports then he doen't want our child to, I flipped out, it is not my problem that BM is a freaking loser and will not pay for anything , do not punish my child for that! I have the money and I pay his way for everything. So then DH said he would not go to any games or practices then, so I pretty much said you can kiss my ...... and then left it at that I was so pissed.

Comments

kathleen's picture

Submitted by kathleen on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 3:11am

My first reaction is that you should find ways to involve both kids in activities regardless of who is paying especially if they both live with you. The children are the one who ultimately suffer. The YMCA has great sports programs that don't cost that much. Send the BM a bill and keep a tally. Also, not having a job is not necessarily an excuse to not pay child support. An ability to earn and past income, in Texas can define the child support so "deadbeat parents" don't get away with not taking care of their kids. So, check our your state law and file for a modification for child support. Even though she might not have an employer who garnishes her wages, she can be held in contempt and put in jail if she doesn't pay court ordered child support. She might contribute then.

Cruella's picture

Submitted by Cruella (not verified) on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 6:29am

DH and I both work long hours at work Wthe children to do much because who is going to take them back and forth from practices etc.... We tried enrolling SS in football one year and it nearly killed us financially and physically. I personally don't feel like it is up to me to take SKIDS back and forth anyway. Since BM chose to live around the world and there is no way that DH can afford things then there is not much we can do. I feel that I did not create the situation. If BM wants them in activities she should be a mother and be here to take them to practices and help pay for those activities. It is hard enough just to keep the clothes on their back and pay for all of their school needs. I am hoping once the children get into high school they can sign up for some activities. I tried looking at the YMCA but it is expensive and working parents just cannot take them back and forth. At least on the hours DH and I work. There is no one around to help. I feel bad for SKIDS but BM put DH in a situation that he has to work all of the time and she contributes so little with CS that she is keeping her own children from activities. We are literally on survival mode. I agree with Anne and Katleen on the CS. You should have DH go through DCSE. They will track her ass down. It is hard to get CS from a BM but it can be done. DH has custody of the children and BM lives in another country and she has to pay.

In my opinion if you want your son to play sports then sign him up and pay for it. DH is being a jerk about it. If he wants SS to participate then he needs to work that out with BM and get it done. He shouldn't punish your son for what he and BM wont do for their son. It is not your fault that he chose this deadbeat to be the mother of his child. If they want SS to be in sports it is up to them to find a way.

Sebbie's picture

Submitted by Sebbie on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 7:15am

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

then his inability to play any sport due to the lack of funds that the bm is contributing. Children can pick up on our feelings and the vibes you are putting off is that ss is less important than yours and dh's bio son. For both of these boys to reside with you places the responsibility of them financially on both yours and dh's shoulders and emotionally as well. To say that you will pay for one child but not the other, in a child's eyes makes him feel he is less loved, less important to you. I understand your anger at bm, but direct that at bm, go to Child Support Enforcement, let them chase her down, get the c.s from her or put her ass in jail, but do not treat the ss with such blatant disregard as to shove in his face what a loser mother he has by making him stand on the side lines and watch his happy little family go to his brothers games.You state that you do not think your bio son should suffer because of ss mother, but it is ok to make ss suffer because of ss mother? These children did not ask for the situation they are in, they did not ask for parents who could give a rats ass about them. SS bm is placing alot of unneeded and unwanted baggage on this child and your family, but why add salt to a wound? It is your's and your dh's responsibilty to love and care for both of these boys EQUALLY, YES, EQUALLY. No damage can be undone if love presides.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 1:19pm

isn't going to work. If she is the one who signed the contract to send him to summer camps, your dh can't be held responsible just b/c he is custodial parent. She signed a contractual agreement to pay the summer camp, and that is just it, she owes not you. Just don't pay.

As far as putting him in sports, you need to find a way to keep the playing field equal for all kids living in your house. If he lived with his mother and you didn't have access to him to take him to practices and such, then that would be a different story, but right now your anger stems from a financial standpoint, and it isn't fair to your ss that he can't plays sports/activities b/c his mother refuses to contribute financially. How about finding one sport you can afford financially to put him in rather than saying no to all sports? You will be fueling a fire for yourself everytime bm throws you under the bus with ss, if you end up doing nothing for him at all.

Also, report bm to to child support enforcement like Anne said. It's free, and when they loom over her with jail time, whoever is supporting her will pay her child support. Just b/c your dh doesn't want to take the time to do it, doesn't mean you can't.

Lastly, when I was a kid, sports were my life. If my parents didn't give me the access to the sports that I had, I would not have the confidence and physical stamina that I have today. Sports is not just some frivilous act, it teaches confidence, ethics, sportsmanship, friendship, and it engages children to respect rules and adults. It is highly advantages for you to keep your ss busy and learning sports now, b/c when he is a teenager looking to cause trouble, you will have sports to thank for keeping him so busy, he couldn't get into trouble!

Good luck in your situation.

Candice

Colorado Girl's picture

Submitted by Colorado Girl on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 2:39pm

I totally see where you are coming from. I had a very similar situation in my household. Oldest SD was signed up by BM for a $600 art class!!!!! My DH agreed to it not knowing the cost. (If any of you haven't noticed yet by my posts, DH is not the sharpest crayon in the box) Now for $600, we can put the other 4 kids in soccer for two seasons. SO, that's all oldest SD gets to do, that's it. So I would think that you could set forth a budget and allocate it accordingly subtracting what BM should be paying and level out what $ is going out the door.

That friggin' summer camp bill....I would call the # on the bill and go ahead and let them know that you WILL NOT be paying it and here's BM's address. Our BM does the same thing to us with medical bills, she just has them bill us the copays because they're on his insurance and they do because she's an MA there. So then we pay it and never see her portion that she is responsible for. But man, if she doesn't get her CS check the day it's due....Hell hath no fury like a BM who doesn't get her $$$$$.

kathleen's picture

Submitted by kathleen on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 3:12pm

We gave a copy of the decree to the physicians office and they divide the cost and bill us separately. How's that for holding her accountable. Same for the summer camp. If you didn't sign the child up, don't pay. Make them prove you are responsible for it. They will be hard pressed. But still the kid is the innocent party here and deserves to be treated as an equal inside your home.

Chocoholic's picture

Submitted by Chocoholic on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 4:20pm

I completely agree with everything you said S.Graham.
I am a step and bio mom and I am supposed to pay child support to my son's dad (we share physical and legal custody) however I agreed for him to take the label "custodian" rather than going through a messy trial.... Anyway, I haven't paid child support in nearly one year.... because everytime I get a job my son's stepmom harasses me on the job and harasses my employer(s) and coworkers.... as a result, the last couple of jobs I had didn't want to deal with it and so I was let go.... which is so frustrating when the employer really should threaten legal action as opposed to making me suffer by firing me!
I now have my Real Estate license and will be selling new construction and can't even tell my own son where I work for fear it will get back to his psycho stepmom.
OKay, back on track.....
So if you asked Jennifer (my son's stepmom) I am an unemployed loser, I don't have custody of my son, I'm lazy, I didn't finish school, (but she'd never mention to you that she took NINE YEARS to get her FOUR YEAR degree (BA) and now works at WalMart!
So Jennifer always makes my son suffer and it always comes back to her excuse that shes mad because I haven't paid child support in almost a year. My son's dad is finally taking a stand against Jennifer and told her tough... our son is 10 and he has been begging to play ball for years and this year he is going to! I'm paying for the season, and I'm paying for my son to play in his school's band this year and there is nothing she can do about it.... I hate that she takes her anger out my son and tries to make him miss out on being a kid because she doesn't like me.... its not about you or her or your dh or boyfriends or whatever... IT IS ABOUT THE KIDS.
I'm not trying to come down on you shopaholic and I truly understand your frustration (I feel similar toward my dh's ex)... I constantly have to remind myself that it is about the kids and I constantly have to put myself in check.... and its not easy.... just please don't make your ss suffer for his mom's actions.... its not his fault.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 09/20/2007 - 5:43pm

I can't tell you how many times I bit my tongue just b/c I didn't want to put the burden of disappointment and shame onto my ss b/c his mother is a true piece of shit. It took a lot of work for me to just stay quiet, but I did, and I'm glad b/c I wouldnt ever want to be the person hurting a kid over money, or other adult issues.

I really hope your son's dad really puts his wife in place to make her realize that your son is just a kid and doesn't deserve this.

Candice

Mocha2001's picture

Submitted by Mocha2001 on Sun, 09/23/2007 - 4:37pm

I have to agree with most of the other posts here. I have the opposite situation, and I don't think it's at all fair to SS. WE want SS to be involved in sports, but BM doesn't want to take time out of her "busy day" to take him, or even come watch. She is the primary residential parent, we only have SS every other weekend, AND we pay for all the sports, in addition to child support, and 59% of daycare expenses, for a total of almost $1000 per month. We do it for him.

I can see where BM planning things that you cannot afford is unreasonable. I'd just say something to her that you want him to be involved, but can't afford a lot so if she expects you to pay for it all, to let you do the planning. So that you can plan and pay for what you can afford.

It isn't that expensive to enroll a kid in something through the parks department: soccer, swimming, baseball, football, etc. We did a 2 week soccer camp, and 10 weeks of soccer games for $90 ... that's a pretty good deal when you figure it's about $30 per month. Even tennis lessons, every other week were $30 per month.

Yes, it sucks to pay for something he's only going to get 1/2 the use of, but it sounds like your BM might participate, she just wants you to pay. We don't have a lot of extra $$ either, and have been borrowing from retirement and savings to make ends meet recently, but SS is worth it. So, the $30 per month we spend ... we don't go out to dinner one night, or two nights, or whatever it takes. So we don't buy soda, or I don't get the new outfit I want, or DH doesn't get beer ... it's worth it to scrounge to find the extra $$$ so SS can enjoy and participate.

Sorry, you aren't getting the info you were looking for, but ...

~ Katrina