Vacation jealousy
Over the weekend SD12 and DH had a little argument. DH was planning to pick up SD12 in the morning on Father's day. SD12 was pissed because she didn't want to come until later in the day. During this argument, SD12 started getting nasty about not getting her way. It came out that she was also mad that she wasn't invited on my Mother's Day weekend getaway. Now, she was with her mother for Mother's day, as it should be.
All of this got me to thinking...
I have always taken multiple vacations and trips every year. All my family is out of state, so I take my bios to visit them anytime I get a chance. When I met DH, he thought vacations were a waste of money. He never planned trips and only did stay-cations.
Since then, DH has come to enjoy taking trips also. We typically take one family vacation each year with all kids. I still take some separate trips with my bios to visit family. Sometimes dh will also join us, and sometimes not. Earlier this year, I also took the steps to visit my family. SD15 was so bad (as she has been the last several family vacations), that my family said they'd prefer that I don't bring her back again.
Anyway, back to the point...
I have started noticing both SD12 and SD15 get angry anytime I go on a trip without them. It is even worse if DH goes with us. I thought maybe I was reading too much into it until it was verbalized during SD12's argument. Do I just ignore the angry vibes and go on about my business as usual? I don't want them to feel left out, but I can't plan all trips around their visitation schedule, nor do I want to.
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Ask them why they're so angry
Ask them why they're so angry about it... and why they want to visit your family so much when they cant even bother to treat them nicely...
I would ignore the outburst
I would ignore the outburst or sit SD12 down and explain that life isn't always fair and that is YOUR family that YOU choose to visit when you can and you will not have that dictated by a 12 yr old.
My SS's used to get nasty whenever DH and I would go away. We plan ONE long weekend trip a year with friends. That is it. And the SS's always get pissy about it.
The seem to forget the fact that we have invited them on a few outings that they originally agreed to and then just didn't show up at the last minute. No call, no text no nothing.
So I refuse to feel bad about going out of town without them ever. Especially to visit my family.
My family is pretty awesome.
My family is pretty awesome. They are fun people and we have lots of adventures when we visit. I grew up there so I know all the secret fun spots.
DH has not fully seen the light regarding his precious 15 year old.
I would simply ignore their
I would simply ignore their little stabs and keep on doing what I'm doing...
If you let their remarks get to you, they won and they are manipulating you.
They will get more and more aggressive and direct and that will be the day I will tell them... yes the word does not revolve around you, we do have a life if you are not here, we are not sitting around waiting for you, this is life, deal with it.. now shut up buttercup and clean your room
This issue brings back
This issue brings back memories. My DH tried similar complaints when my kids got vacations, gifts, etc from their dad. DH felt that his kids were not getting the same life that mine did. I looked him straight in the eye and said he should have picked a better mother for his children if he wanted them to have a different life. I was not going to play "catch up" for his kids. His kids got the same life mine did when they were with us. No more and no less.
I would have several conversations with the step kids. Make it casual and part of the on going dialogue with them. Kids are wonderful observers of life and terrible interpreters. I suspect they have conflicting emotions about being included in vacations and special events. While it seems apparent, kids sometimes don't really get that they can't be in both places at the same time. They want to be with mom but they want to be part of the party with their dad and his family. If you can be open to talking about their "double feel" then it can prevent some of the angry outbursts.
Include them on vacations where it makes sense and where you want to. If the participant list for the vacations is always varied then just be sure that they are asked to go as often as the bio kids. As for the SD who behaved badly with your relatives, we ALL have had teen agers who behave badly - bio and step. I would not exclude her but I would be direct about how you expect her to behave on future visits to your family.
It's more complicated than
It's more complicated than that. DH doesn't even go as often as my bios go. There is no way I can make it equal for them, unless we are including the trips they take with BM and their grandparents.
I can't include SD15 on trips to visit my family anymore. She is no longer welcome in my family's home. She broke all the house rules, caused drama, and stole from them. It's deeper than just bad behavior. She also makes everyone miserable. SD12 even said she won't go next time if SD15 goes. I don't get enough time with my family as it is. I won't let it be ruined by SD15 again.
Yeah, you don't need to make
Yeah, you don't need to make sure that skids have the same vacations as your bio kids. Even kids in intact families don't get "equal" all the time.
Thinking that kids with completely different parents will, is impossible.
Prior to DH and I combining
Prior to DH and I combining money, I paid for family vacations that included skids. It was my idea and I would invite them to come along with me. DH would help with expenses while there, but I paid for the condo and plane tickets. I also did 100% of planning.
A few years ago we combined money. I do still have a separate account that i use for my separate trips, so I'm not taking anything away from him/skids when I take my bios. It's not that he/we can't afford for them to come. He just doesn't have a desire to plan anything on his own (remember, he is a stay-cation guy), and they have never asked. He does take them on weekend trips to the lake on a regular basis to visit with his family. So I have continued what i have always done... one combined trip and several solo trips to see family. DH doesn't have a set number of vacation days. He could easily take more if desired.
The solo trips are mostly planned while they aren't scheduled to be here anyway. I try to plan the best I can to avoid hurt feelings.
I wouldn't ignore it. To me
I wouldn't ignore it. To me that seems like you know they are feeling left out and you don't care. I would tell them the truth: The last time you came on vacation to see my family you were horrible and you aren't welcomed back until you can be respectful guests. You have to be with your mom for Mother's Day, that's her day and you spend the day with her doing whatever she has planned. If you're jealous about our trips in general then ask your dad and mom to start taking you on more vacations on their time with you but until you can learn to behave you aren't going with me.
It's important they understand that they are being "left out" because of their behavior on previous trips.
Obviously I do care, or I
Obviously I do care, or I wouldn't be looking for advice on how to handle it. I'm just having trouble seeing the solution.
They aren't "left out" solely because of bad behavior, but that is a new twist that developed over the last couple of trips. I can't take them on trips without DH. DH doesn't come every time. DH doesn't value vacations and therefore doesn't plan his own solo trips. He does take them to the lake on a regular basis. In some ways, this evens out the playing field. I think the lake trips have lost some value with the skids because they have went there since they were babies. They want bigger and better adventures.
My closest family lives over 1000 miles away. We only make it to visit a few times a year. I won't limit these trips because it's the only time my bios see their family. I don't want to take the skids every time. Heck, I don't even want to take DH every time. I enjoy spending time alone with my family. My family also enjoys having alone time with my bios.
YSD, then about 16, got pissy
YSD, then about 16, got pissy because I took DSthen8 to Disney World with my sisters and my nieces. DH stayed home. But she feels like "we" excluded her, and treated her like she's not family. DH pointed out that even he didn't go. I didn't waste any energy responding. They will find any reason to be pissy and start trouble. If it's not this, it will be something else. I've learned not to participate in every argument I'm invited to.
If it was me, I would stick
If it was me, I would stick to visiting your family alone or with your bio kids. You're obviously torn about this, but you're likely to be damned if you do (take them and chance a bad time with your family who you don't see often) and damned if you don't (don't take them and chance hurt feelings). I personally would rather the latter...I bet you are putting more thought and worry into this than SD and DH combined.