Attention Seeking?!? Maybe, maybe not....definitely drama inducing though
It has been a little while since we have had any good old SD drama and I am not complaining. I was actually enjoying the lack of drama but she had to create some this weekend...shocker! I believe I mentioned in a previous blog that SD informed SO that she thinks she is bi/gay/lesbian and that she didn't want her mom to know b/c when she asked her mom what she would think if she found out she was gay her mom responded that she would be disappointed. I honestly didn't believe that was BM's response but I wasn't trying to involve myself in that in any way shape or form. SO told her that she is still young (just turned 11) and that she should really give herself some time to figure out if that is really how she feels before announcing it to everyone. He also didn't tell BM because he knew BM wouldn't react well and SD asked that he kept it to himself - oh but she was okay with him telling me and she had already told my son (also 11). Anyways, this happened months ago and we never really discussed it and she didn't really bring it up to SO anymore.
It was our weekend to have her and she spends a lot of time with the girl a few houses down from us which is fine by me...keeps her out of my hair. Anyways, she asked SO if she could stay the night there Friday and he let her. Well later that evening she texts SO all upset b/c she decided that she had to tell BM that she was bi. She decided to text BM and tell her that she was bi while she was staying the night at this girl's house because "it was eating her up inside and she wanted her mom to know". I guess BM didn't respond so SD was freaking out that she didn't respond. The next morning BM calls SO and wants SD to "call her immediately"....apparently SD was now ignoring her mom's texts and calls and being dramatic (shocker). Well SO decides to tell BM that SD had already told him that she felt this way and asked him not to say anything b/c of the response BM had given previously about being disappointed. BM of course denies saying this to SD (which I kind of wondered if SD was making that up to garner sympathy from daddeeee). BM then proceeds to flip out though and tell SO that he isn't being a good co-parent by not telling her that SD said she is bi and yada yada yada. She then tells him that he is a bad parent for knowing that SD thinks she is bi and still allowing her to stay the night at her friend's house. SD comes back from her friend's house all upset because now BM wants to call her every hour and she isn't allowed to stay the night at friend's houses anymore and SD also said, "I talked to BM but she said it was a private conversation and not to tell anyone else what was said" Mmmkay....but SO is the one that isn't co-parenting correctly?!?! LOL! Anyways, based on the limited information we got this is how BM handled it...turned her phone off for a couple of hours because she didn't deserve the phone anymore and no more over night stays anywhere and back to counseling. Then SD was all sad because she expected her mother to take it better and be supportive and she is just being a jerk instead. Really?!? I don't know how SD would think her mom would do anything but flip out b/c that is what BM does. In my opinion SD is doing this for attention (BM said that SD's friend did the same thing in March) and to also cause turmoil between BM and SO again.
Since BM got a new bf about a year ago she has backed off her crazy train and it has been pretty peaceful. I think SD likes to stir the pot between SO and BM and she hasn't been able to do that lately b/c BM hasn't been feeding into it. I also think it is sad if SD really is bi/lesbian that BM reacted the way she did. BM pretty much just insured that if SD wants to confide in her she will be punished. While I think it was drama and attention seeking behavior as well I don't agree with the way BM handled it....but that isn't surprising to me either.
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Judging by mom's response...
Judging by mom's response... I'm actually not surprised that the girl thought she would take it poorly.. because she is.
I imagine that in the hypothetical discussion BM said. I would be disappointed because it might mean I wouldn't have biological grandkids and you wouldn't live the life I had hoped you would.. but I still would love you (or some variant therof).
Now, at age 11... perhaps it is attention getting. but maybe not. I think that if she is thinking along this vein that discussions regarding appropriate behaviors is in order..
Oh, I'm not surprised that
Oh, I'm not surprised that she thought BM would take it poorly either. I totally expected a bad response from BM. I don't agree with BM's response at all. I just kept quiet though. I'm not involving myself in this one at all!
I am pretty sure that you are right on the hypothetical discussion that took place but SD had to switch it up so daddeee would feel bad for her.
I agree that discussions regarding appropriate behaviors are in order and that is up to BM and SO and the counselor if they really put her back in counseling. I'm not touching any of this stuff! LOL! I'll just quietly observe from the sidelines!
You are right.. no winning
You are right.. no winning for you if you try to jump in.
Age 11-12 is when my first
Age 11-12 is when my first round of questioning my sexuality took place. It hit like a ton of bricks. Up to that point, I had never known what "gay" was, much less "bi". I was in quite a bit of shock and not entirely sure what to do with my feelings because I didn't have the words for it or understanding of it.
I experienced all of this before there was ready access to youth LGBT groups, forums, etc. I didn't have a personal cell phone or personal computer, so I didn't really look into it. I was hesitant to talk to friends about it because they didn't talk about it, either.
It wasn't until high school when the internet was more open, my friends were more vocal, and private access to information was more readily available that I actually had the words to express my sexuality. Looking back, had I had the words, access, etc., I would have been able to handle it much faster and much sooner - say when I first had my "ah-ha" moment.
My sister came out in her earlier teens - about age 14 - which was around the same time I came out, which I was age 20. My parents handled it MUCH better with my sister because she was single. Me? Can't like women if you're dating a man. *eye roll*
I tell of this to say that it's quite possible she is bi, and I'm not at all surprised that this is the age she is saying something about it. Could she have said it to start drama? Could be. Could also be that she really felt like she was lying and needed to tell BM. She may have had the courage to do it with her friend there.
You know your SD better than I do. Just don't dismiss it because she had a flair for the dramatic. BM definitely handled it poorly, whether this was real or theatrics. She either just proved to her daughter that she can't be trusted, or she fed SD's attention-seeking behavior. My suggestion is to treat SD like you always have and encourage your SO to do the same while figuring out how to allow SD to experience teen activities, like sleepovers, without encouraging/allowing inappropriate activities. There are resources out there to help navigate that terrain, so encourage him to utilize them.
straight, but agree
I'm straight. But around the age of 11 was when I started to first become really interested in boys and I think I got my period around that age, too. So I was definitely becoming a sexual being - though I was obviously not really mentally or physically prepared to act on it. If I'd had to 'declare' a sexuality - I would have been able to. Obviously, being straight I never did have to do that and there wasn't additional internal-societal conflict alongside all the other confusing new feelings. When, as happens very, very, rarely, I'm sexually attracted to a woman, even when it happened at a young age - I really wasn't bothered and I didn't have too much of an identity flux. I had far more trouble fitting into rigid gender norms for straight women and struggled with this until I was much older. And this may be part of this girl's issues, too.
Also around that age I did do some 'play' with both boys and a girl. Just because someone is 11 doesn't mean they aren't having those feelings - particularly if they are girls who develop a little bit faster than boys. So yes, sexual feelings at that age are not unusual at all. My BS is 11 and while I think of him as a 'boy' I'm sure he's having some of those feelings - although he seems a little less interested than some of his peers who already have 'girlfriends'.
I know my reply is super late
I know my reply is super late so you may not even be checking this blog anymore (sorry went on vaca and then got sick and haven't been on here). Thankfully my SO handled it well (I think) and told SD that he loved her no matter what and to just be herself and not worry to much about her sexuality yet and wait to broadcast it. BM totally handled it poorly and did prove to SD that (if she is gay/bi) her mom really isn't supportive. This is actually still ongoing and BM actually took her phone from her (for like a day) as punishment b/c she thinks she is just doing it for attention and is upset that SD was labeling herself as bi on social media networks. I personally would be more upset that SD has social media at 11 but hey...I'm just the SM and have no say in any of this...
Thank you for your response and SD knows that I am personally fine with whatever her sexual preference is as we have had a discussion before about gay/bi/etc. when she was younger. This is actually why I think she might really be because she has been questioning it for years at this point but she is also a major attention seeker!
I'm just sitting on the sidelines watching BM make an @$$ of herself...nothing new
LOL
I honestly don't see much
I honestly don't see much wrong with BMs response here. Telling her daughter that she would be disappointed if she didn't have a traditional life, is normal. She didn't say she wouldn't support her, or that she was going to send her to some Christain mind warp camp, or disown her... she said disappointed. I would be too. Life is harder, relationships tend to be harder, people don't always accept those that are LGBTQ... I want my kids to have the best life possible and when things will be hard for them, and the hate is so real- of course I will be disappointed that thier life is going to be hard. I will personally love and support whatever they do, but yeah... disappointed, but not in them as a person. So did SD fully understand what BM meant? Did you?
Also, as for sleepovers if she is questioning sexuality- YEP! Right call!! One of my best friends in high school was closet gay. I was the only one in the school that knew. His boyfriend lived in the city next to us and came over his house for sleepovers all the time. They had soooooo much sex under his parents roof because my friends parents didn't want to see that my friend was gay. BM is making the right call her until she knows the orientation of her friends- setting kids (these are kids) for sexual experimentation is irresponsible. If this is a possibility, they need the same rules of traditional boy/girl friendships- no sleepovers, bedroom door open, ect.
BM freaking becasue her daughter is going through a major life discovery- yeah! I would want to talk to my child too!!
I think that you, dh, bm (if bm has a dh/so) all need to sit down together and discuss. She needs to know she is loved and supported but that this does change certain dynammics. She needs to be able to talk to all of you about this - hopefully you can all do this for her.
Ending sleepovers until she
Ending sleepovers until she "knows the orientation of her friends"? Really? Outting 11/12 year olds is the solution??? No no no!
If BM wants to stop sleepovers for now until she gets more educated on the subject, fine. However, questioning EVERY kid SD is friends with to figure out their orientation is NOT the way to go. That's a great way for SD to lose friends and feel even more ostracized.
Wanna know how many "secret sexy sleepovers" I had with female friends? None. That included sleepovers with my best friend at the time who was also bi and helped me understand what it was.
BM and SO need to do their homework, but that certainly doesn't involve questioning kids about what sex organs they prefer.
I never said that they need
I never said that they need to have an interigation but ending sleepovers for now... yeah. Probably.
My problem with BM's response
My problem with BM's response to SD is that she made SD feel bad about it and then basically punished her so SD felt like her mother DID NOT support her at all and she was being punished for her sexual preference (if she is truly bi/gay). If BM was not a HCBM I would have no problem sitting down and having a discussion with her but the woman has never been one to truly co-parent in that manner. If you knew BM you would know that her disappointed statement wasn't b/c being gay/bi would make SD's life harder. I feel it is more she is disappointed b/c she is supposedly "Christian" and she worries about image and what other's think more than what is actually best for her child.