Steve I can't believe I hadn't heard of those. But one of the guys in the murder mystery co I've worked with at Halloween and a few weekends ago does voice over work and he was talking about doing it via web now to save co's money. He can produce a lot of it himself so they don't have to rent studio time etc. I bet he knows about those.

Thanks for the suggestion. It makes sense as a lot of famous people are doing web shows for cheap (Neal Patrick Harris has a really successful one) and they are going underground/viral big time.

You know STBX always encouraged me to do theatre, but then every time he had a last minute trip or had to work late last minute b/c issues at work, or come home and sit working on the computer all night and was unable to focus on BD4, I would just think "How can I do this when I would always be planning sitting last minute?" And no...no energy. I have finally started to recover from my grief and feel energetic again. I had gotten there after recovering from my horrible surgery in the fall, but then STBX was already acting very withdrawn and irritated with me, and then of course the bottom fell out right after Christmas.

Yesterday was the first time I've seen my cousin, who is retired and left for the beach for a few months the day or so before I found out.

She missed seeing me fall apart the way the rest of the family did. So yesterday I must have looked like I was just sailing right along.

She asked, "So are you ok with everything then?"

OK?

No. I won't be ok til I have moved on completely one day in the future. I am still grieving, I'm just taking steps to let go. I have let go of a lot, but am not all the way there yet.

I think I've come a long way in only a little over 3 months. Farther than some people could have this quickly. But it's going to take me a year to two to really peel this off, to feel I'm on firm ground again, to stop wishing it would have been different etc. Every time I have to share BD4 for a holiday it will cross my mind and I will be sad. Every important milestone that we aren't both there for her for...every time there's a new woman in her dad's life and I have to hear from her how that's going? I will likely be hurt and angry and have to suppress it all for her benefit all over again.

This wound, as one of you said, will fade to less painful and raw, but it will be reopened many times in my life.

She told me the other day she wanted to "Wedding with" STBX. My youngest son used to say that to me.

It was cute and funny, but still I had to sit on my feelings about it b/c I'm so angry with him. What I didn't expect, was how that triggered me to think about her wedding one day, her graduation, etc. Her never looking into the stands and seeing her parents there happy with each other.