Il's still friends with bm...need advice
ok im really struggling with this. no matter what nice things i do for inlaws (on fil's side) mil and sil's have nothing to do with us, anyways, i do all these nice things and try to be involved only to be told that i should feel sorry for bm, and that all inlaws should be civil to bm because of ss, even though bm is harassing us, trying to get full custody, and a shitty mom.
so, dh's cousin has always been nice, but i have felt very fake because she and i really dont have much in common. A while back i added her on myspace and saw that bm was one of her top friends. i instantly deleted her. she wrote me and put two and two together, she said that she does not talk to bm, hardly goes on myspace and its been like that since before dh and i even knew each other. she goes on to say that she loves my and thinks that i am the best thing that has ever happened to her cousin and is so happy he found me......fast forward..ss informs my that the card on our refrigerator is the same on at bm's, so this cousin who doesnt talk to bm is still sending her xmas cards? huh, wierd, anyways dh tells her thats not cool, and she says she wont anymore...ah, duh idiot, shouldnt she have already known that?
so then tball...cousin constantly sitting with talking to bm durring the practice and games "just being civil"
bm unbocks her myspace...i see comment from cousin last december, when dh and i were already engaged, hey bm, glad you found me, how are you?! so, lie!!! she added her once dh were already engaged and put her on her top friends.
anyways, last month dh and i moved in to our new house, the week before the move dh and i go to cousins house for fils' bday dinner....cousins husband asks about rose parade tickets..knowing that i do work for them and get free vip tickets every year...i said that i wasnt using them and they werent spoken for.....ok im an idiot for offering, but i keep thinking..if i just do this, they will see what a nice person i am and that what they are doing with bm is wrong...NOPE! cousins husband says how desperately he want to take his mother, blah blah blah, so i say ok let me check no prob, as we leave, he offers to help us move with his truck.......next day, calls and fb messages from cousin to follow up, i ended up saying they could have the tickets..........
fast forward..moving day que crickets..no cousins husband to be seen......
i write cousin a couple days later because she had fb'ed dh about our new address fully knowing that i handle those things..i informed her that we were not giving out our address because bm was harassing us and certain family members had shown where their loyalty was...but i wanted one of her super cute cards (barf) our mail is being forwarded, and we would still see them on xmas..we had already discussed when she called about the tickets that the "family members" were mil and sil's
all i get is a reply saying i hope you arent talking about me, ill give you the card when i see you guys. dh write her a week or two later to try and further explain and get her to see what a horrible person bm is and what she is trying to put us through, and cosusin calls dh back in tears saying she loves us, she doesnt talk to bm, bm has been on her myspace for years. blah blah lie blah. so now, dh gets a text today from cousins husband for my number to follow up on getting the tickets.....mind you we have gotten NO xmas card from any of the family, cousin has not written me at all on fb.
what would yo do? i know an excuse for not giving them to them. does it matter? no matter how nice im am she just doesnt freaking get it? but if i dont come through for them than once again im the bitch and mil and sil's have another thing to use against me?
- smnikki's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
i have removed myself from
i have removed myself from her myspace, the only reason i check bm's these days is because its not blocked so i print screen everything that we can use against her in court.
but to give or not to give the tickets with all that has happened and not feel like a door mat, but not feel like im going to be made out to be the bitch?
DPW has it. Don't go there!
DPW has it. Don't go there! Get off myspace with her. Think of an excuse to NOT give them the tix; Eg, 'after I hadn't heard from you on moving day, I assumed you weren't interested in the tix any longer, so I promised them to a couple friend of ours'.
She's obviously lying about talking to BM. Untangle yourself completely from her and don't reconnect in the future.
My SIL tried to talk me into joining FB too. I did, for about an hour, till I realized that BM was one of her 'friends'. Um, no. Needless to say, my account was deactivated immediately.
Oh smnikki. I totally know
Oh smnikki. I totally know where you are coming from!
In my situation I ended up just ignoring it all,and pretending it didn't bother me. There were times I wanted to scream and beat some sense into my FIL, but I just smiled and nodded and made very neutral comments. Most of them hated BM anyhow and they were only married 1 year, but it did get better over time and now there is very little contact between BM and her family and my DH's family. Maybe they just need more time?
Plus, the more fuss you make about this, the more sorry they are going to feel for her. And that is so not what you want!
Hey Nikki, I can totally
Hey Nikki, I can totally understand how you feel. My DH family treats BM like his wife(nevermind she cheated, bankrupted him, divorced him 10 yrs ago..). They are sweet to my face and act like they think she's awful. They say they tolerate her "for the kids". Recently the mother died and BM (at DH sisters request) calls DH closest friends for him. Yes she did....and they hid it from me....I guess that was for the kids too.
I've struggled with how to handle this. I've concluded that the sweetness they show me is two faced and in no way genuine. I've decided by them playing both sides of the fence, they are encouraging behavior that is harmful to my marriage and unborn child. I'm not going to have it.
I just blocked all of them from my facebook, I don't reply to emails and as soon as the sister quits hiding from me, I'm going to tell her what I told DH. "You will divorce one of us. If you can't live without her, fine, but leave me alone."
I feel that if they would lie to my face about their relationship with her, then the odds are they are talking about me behind my back...to a person that hates the fact I'm alive. We love to talk about disengaging around here, I would disengage from all of them. Tell cousin that BM can buy them rose bowl tickets....hahaha
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
i really want to disengage.
i really want to disengage. but it hurts so bad and i keep feeling like if i just go that extra mile its going to make a difference and my in laws will see the errors of their ways...but every time im slapped in the face with reality, and that is that they really just dont give a flying fuck about dh and me and our feelings.
i feel like by disengaging from them i basically hand them over to bm and give them a reason to make up lies about me...if i dont make an effort then why would they make an effort for dh and i...but theni have to think exactly what you guys are saying, if they refuse to cut ties with bm, and cant see what they are doing is wrong, most likely they are talking about me behind my back anyways.
the sad thing is, none of them make an effort for anyone..unless its drama, or because they want something. they dont make an effort for dh...i put together a party for dh for his 30th bday....no one besides his dad and aunt showed up...they all had excuses, and bullshit excuses at that.
It's so big of you to keep
It's so big of you to keep turning the other cheek. I've found that by doing that, I get punched in the mouth over and over. It hurts and I'm tired of it. the reality is though that you can't hand them over to BM, they've chosen to stay in that camp. (and probably enjoy the drama that results.)
It doesn't sound like you would be losing very meaningful relationships if you do disengage. For me, Nikki, I've found life is to short to have any negative, soul sucking people in it..I don't care who you are or how you are related.
You get to chose whether or not you continue to let them use you or hurt you. Only you can decide if the payoff you receive from the relationships is worth the disappointment and hurt. You have nothing to lose since they are giving you nothing in return for your efforts. I bet there are plenty of people that love you and would be glad to help you move and come to your parties. I would focus on those good folks and let all the others kiss your ass.
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
I'm with the ladies above.
I'm with the ladies above. Don't give them the tickets, make an excuse. They don't deserve them. I have learned the hard way you can't prove yourself to people who are determined not to accept you. They want to be friends with your BM--well, they can have her. And vice versa. It is definitely their loss!
I have been through similar, just thinking lately that I am so glad we don't live near--I'd have to look at BM's face at every family event. The woman who has tried to screw over DH every step of the way. And they can't use the kids as an excuse--they are 20 and 16! I'm like, get a life BM. I never went to my ex's events.