SMNikki - I am sorry I missed your blog earlier because I have done that as well. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about losing it once in a while.

I have done the same thing. I have told BM many times EXACTLY what I think about her parenting. And I'm sure it chafes her ass... but you know what? I could a shit. I'm the one dealing with the fallout from her bad behavior. So, yeah, if she feels the need to put down SD, or show up HOURS after she said she would and made SD and I sit all day waiting, or change plans with SD upon her walking in the door, you can damn well bet I will tell her that she is being inappropriate.

I am lucky that my husband doesn't care. And I don't care if anyone on here thinks that I'm overstepping my boundaries. I already know that I am probably not an SM that a lot of people would like. Because I don't agree with what a lot of people think "my place" is.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

I personally feel like I am his wife, so everything he does is my business, but that's just me. Sometimes I stay out of the BS just because, but damnit if I wanted to get involved I will because my husband and his well being and SANITY is definitely my biz. So when it comes to my SD, I know my boundaries because I'm not her mother.

When it comes to my husband and what he does, BM should be the one knowing her boundaries.

I'm his partner in crime.

~*~I'm THE wife. Not wifey or wife material or #2. THE WIFE~*~

I don't think that it's that you have boundary issues. I have had an outburst like that as well, but it ended with BM having a misdemeanor when I took her to court over it. I won't lie that it makes us feel better and more empowered over the situation. But you have to think about it this way, while it feels good to say what needs to be said to make you feel better, it doesn't make the situation any easier for your DH to deal with BM and have a civil relationship for the sake of SS. You obviously do not put yourself on the same level as BM and for good reason. So you just have to take a step back and say to yourself "I'm better than this". and not just for you. For your DH and SS. As far was what people say up here, everyone makes comments based on their personality and their own beliefs and experience. You can take advice or leave it. Good luck with everything. It sounds like you're pretty stressed over the whole thing.

I have all the skids full time. BM almost never sees them. So I feel like I should have more a say in things then she does. And I usually do. There was one time though I did the same exact thing. She called up yelling at fiance because I put her precious son in time out and how DARE I discipline HER son.

I started screaming in the background that when her lazy ass was over here getting him up for school, making meals, doing homework, bathing, getting up in the middle of the night etc. with HER kids, then she could tell me how to discipline...until then to shut the hell up. And threw in a few nice names while I was at it.

I think we all deserve a time or two of getting to act as immature as we have to put up with from them. Yeah it doesn't solve anything. But we should not always have to be the ones taking and taking their crap.

It is hard to be poised abd graceful and dignified all the time.
Sometimes we want to get nasty, mouthy and rude and hurt BM's right back like they have done over and over and over. it should never get to that point where a step mom has to bust out and get pissed and let shit hit the fan. Isn't it amazing how, these children who are not ours, and a woman that is in his past can cause so much trouble? I go back to this once again, the men in our lives need to get their wits about them and start controlling the issues and stop the uneeded drama and bullshit. Its like they sit back and alsmot enjoy watch their current wife, fight with their ex wife, it's like they sit back, put up their feet because wife will take care of the stress and drama.
You have a right to be mad, you have a right to feel what you feel and it means in no way shape or form your home is unstable...life in general is unstable..for everyone.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

You GO girls- do they really think that when they are talking about you like that you're just going to wimp out and cry. WTF
I'm not one to start an argument but if someone comes at me I'm certainly not going to sit there and take it (unless of course I know I am in the wrong, then I'll cry).

Bradybunchmom - LOVE the comeback.

I have felt this way as well! I wrote a letter to BM to tell her to stop her crap, and if she didn't, then she would get her wish, her kids would be FATHERLESS, and then she can be truly a marytr and be a full time mom to her kids. That she could tell them that because of her crap she would hae to tell her kids that she pushed him away enough that he doesn't want anything to do with them. That is she truly wanted to hurt her kids, she definitely could, by them realizes that they had no "real" dad that loved them enough to fight for them.

It did help me emotionally to get out all of that anger, but I didn't send the letter. I told DH that is he didn't talk to her then I would send the letter, and if he didn't like that, then he would be dealing with two ex's!!!

I don't think its okay when a BM thinks that she can do whatever the hell she wants to, and intrude into our lives, make OUR husbands so miserable that it makes OUR lives miserable. I agree that we are all only human, and we can only take so much. We shouldn't be the ones who have to pussyfoot around these BMs. They should realize that if they want us to be good to their kids and their kid's dads to be good fathers, that they should respect us and our homes.

This is sort of relevant, but during on of these types of exchanges, I once told BM that her forehead was so big, she doesn't have dreams, she has movies (heard it in movie once).

Childish, but made me feel better and my husband laugh hysterically nonetheless.

Occasionally, you just have to go there.

~*~I'm THE wife. Not wifey or wife material or #2. THE WIFE~*~

Thanks Stick! I totally agree with you. Don't let them get you down Smnikki! Marguaritas anyone??? Mmmmm tequila....

I think we've ALL had our 'had it up to here' moments. I sure have. There was even a time I ripped the phone out of DH's hand and proceeded to give BM the biggest chunk of what-for's ever. It didn't do a bit of good of course, but I sure did feel better!

Look at it this way she started calling you names first LOL - (gosh that sounds so kindergarten) But there is no way alot of people on ST are going to let BM call them all sorts of names and they keep there mouth shut! That is asking way to much I am sorry

Good Grief if our BM did this to me I would chew her up and spit her out in a heartbeat - but she knows it!

Thats why she had her fat ass hubby do it to me! He is one of those male chauvinist pigs that believe women should know there place. But you should of seen his and BM face when I stood right up to him and chewed his ass out too! We exchange the kids at the police dept the cops knew him all to well just stood at the door giggling.

It might help that I have a thick accent that comes out when I am mad so I think they thought my head would start spinning.

I wonder about this...I would love to say so many things to BM. She is rude, horrible, evil and downright nasty.

BUT...I tell myself that I do not want to be like her. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around, and although my tongue has bled many a time from biting it so hard....in the long run saying nothing makes me the better person. It's so hard though. I want to tell her exactly the way I feel, but when I have done it in the past, it has just caused more drama for my family...so the initial good feeling I get from getting it off my chest does not last.

We bear some pretty big burdens as step mothers. I'd like to think that there is a special place for us in heaven...maybe some extra good chocolate and margarita's....just please, oh please, let there be some peace.

~I'm an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight.~

Warning- my advice is tainted by my current situation of my marriage possibly being over.

But...

I too have sat there telling my H what he was forgetting to say. B/c he would never get anything done, he'd just take her bait over and over til they hung up.

BUT

Now that I have realized the damage my obsessing over getting my points across, OUR points across rather than just letting him handle BM and SD?

I wish I would have left him to discuss, debate, decide and fill me in on his decision. I know this is contrary to everything I may have ever said in the past. Hence the warning.

It's not a judgment of what you should do or say or taking the high road, or not doing so.

It's that I finally found out what a few who made it to the other side of staying married in a blended family were trying to tell me all along.

His kids, his ex, his problems. You can set your boundaries only with your H as to what you will and won't put up with, and then...

if at all possible...

let it all go. Because it's truly what's best for you.

Hugs,
Sita

Let me tell you before I even read all the responses from above.

From my heart to yours: We tell the stupid men what to say because they are "ball-less and stupid". Period. We are smarter debaters/arguers. If we didn't tell them what to say, they would turn into marshmallows and I would personally like to hold them over a fire until they're crispy.

I ALWAYS tell FH: this is what you say if she says this or that. But does he do it? NO. Well, sometimes he does, but most of the time he will go in the other room to talk to BM because he knows he will NEVER get it right. It's like watching a grown man change a diaper for the first time. They WILL screw that up.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

So I have to be honest.

My little hairs stood up on the back of my neck when I hear a stepmom utter words that echo something along the lines of "I should have rights too". Or "a say". (SMs with otherwise absent BMs excluded here) There will never be a situation where I will listen to another person's opinion in the lives of my children if I haven't deemed them worthy of my welcome. I don't care who you are married to. My kids have a mom and a dad... the same as my stepdaughters.

With that being said.

Why should we be held to different standards?

It just depends on what you want. I won't get entangled in all that is my husband and his exwife. If I do.. I will be angry, upset and find myself physically tackling BM to the ground when she challenges me to do so. (Unfortunately that actually happened)

If I let them be and handle all their own stuff.. then I no longer am angry, upset and wanting to stomp my feet in all that I truly have no control over. I never will.

My husband's ex respects me (as much as her disorder allows her to respect someone) only because I extend her the same courtesy and I command it from her.. I lead the way in it. Never did I demand it from her. She's always had the choice. She expects me to leave it between her and my husband. So I do.

No matter how I twist it up and paint her bad... she's still the mom, the same way that I expect that BM's husband respect my husband as the dad REGARDLESS of the custody agreement. My stepdaughters have every right to have her in their life.. the same way they have every right to their dad.

We as stepparents have the choice. I don't have to do one thing when it comes to my stepkids, I choose to be a part of their life. The moment I demand and expect appreciation and respect due to this choice.. I become just as entitled as my husband's disordered exwife.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Yeah, this boundaries thing...

It's tough, because there's a lot of grey area, isn't there?

"bm's main thing was that, I need to learn my boundaries, that her and dh are ss's parents and that only they make decisions. Somehow my reminding dh of things bm has done, because he was flustered on the phone with her, is over stepping my boundaries and making decisions regarding ss."

I agree with CG that a biomom is not required to listen to someone else's opinion of the lives of her children (other than the biofather, of course, presuming he's in the picture and responsible). However, the problem is:

While it is not my role to confront BM about her own parenting or assume that I "should" have a parenting role or a "say" in how the kids are raised...

When they are in MY house, it is my right to have a say in how they act. And that's a grey area that bleeds into the parents' parenting.

And, if the BM is harassing my DH on the phone (as she is wont to do) and, like smnikki, I can hear the argument and I know that DH is forgetting something that he would want to be reminded of, it's my right to say what I want to him to help with the conversation. Because he's my DH, and spouses have a partnership relationship. And that, too, is a grey area, because BM can and does perceive that as me interfering.

BM is the mom. And unless she directly confronts me in criticizing MY decisions as a stepmom (which she has done), I do not have the right to directly criticize her back in her decisions as a mom (which I have done -- in RESPONSE). But, I reserve the right to help my DH in his parenting and in his interactions with BM if he wants me to. And BM has no right to expect otherwise, because there I am acting in my capacity as HIS wife. And she has no say in that.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Here, here! Bravo, standing ovation, I agree!! (agreeing w/Vick, and others, but responded in wrong place)

The only thing I have noticed about when I HAVE jumped in to help DH out from the ONSLAUGHT of abuse from his ex/SD under her mom's influence, is that the more it happens, the less they care to take us (me AND DH) on! thereby REDUCING any need to do it again.

Everyone has their own way of handling things, and you are an adult, who does not need anyone's permission to speak in her own house-!
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

We used to do the speakerphone conversations so I could hear what BM was saying (about me or otherwise), and the recording conversations to be used in court. I used to sit next to him as often as possible when he would talk to BM on the phone. I used to prompt him for things that I felt he forgot to say. I used to try to give him advice on comebacks or help him to see where she had gotten caught up in a lie or how what she was saying made no sense. Been there, done that. And she would always say no matter what I had or hadn't done, that I needed to butt out and I had no right to anything regarding HERRR son. But I wasn't doing it for HERRR son, I was doing it for MYYY boyfriend...or so I thought.

And then I realized that BF doesn't like it when I hover over him or try to influence his conversations in general. He hates it when I suggest what I think he should say, or correct him, or remind him of something he may have forgotten. He sees it as incredibly disrespectful. How much more must he hate it if I do these things while he is on the phone with BM? He already hates talking to her enough already. Why should I make it worse just to satisfy my own need to be a part of their conversation? I don't need to know every thing that they say to each other. If they talk about something that pertains to me or he thinks I would get a kick out of hearing, he tells me. I don't need to know that she made (yet another) stupid comment about me. I take that as a given. BF is a grown man and he doesn't need me coaching him on how to handle his conversations - especially when they are with someone who I can't even think about without my blood pressure going up. I'm not saying that all men are this way or that you were wrong for doing what you did...just that this was my experience in my relationship.

Having said all of that - I see this as two separate, yet related, events.
The first, that BM wants to move to Whitetrashville which will impact your lives - a situation in which you have every right to have a say in because it directly affects you.
The second, that you jumped in on a conversation between DH and BM which escalated into yelling insults and obscenities through your DH at each other. Before, they were talking about their son (I think it's a son? Don't remember..), after, the three of you were talking about you - and you were defending yourself to her. You don't need to defend yourself to her. You don't need to tell her that you have rights, or that you'll say whatever you want. Maybe your DH doesn't mind you making suggestions when he is having a conversation, and if so then that's fine - there's nothing wrong with that. But I can't imagine that the yelling and cussing made anything easier for him or made her respect you any more as his wife. Yes we are all human and we can only take so much sometimes before we snap - I understand completely, I have come very close to beating the shit out of BM myself (and I admit, it made me feel soooo good to see her shake and cower in fear under me). But think of how the conversation could have gone, if she had said, "Tell your wife that bitch to shut up (or whatever she said)," and your husband had replied, "That was uncalled for. I don't take your orders and neither does she. Now, as I said before, you have one of three options..." He could have maintained total control over that conversation, trivialized what she had said and made her feel like such an ass for lashing out at you. At some point we need to realize that these comments they make are bait. When we let them get the best of us, we are giving them victory in getting exactly what they want.

Again, I completely understand why you did what you did, having been there myself so I'm not trying to say that what you did was wrong or that I am above doing what you did... Just offering perspective from an old hand who has "been there, done that" too many times, finally got sick of beating a dead horse and moved on.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

You helping dh remember points was interfering, WITH HER!!! personally. Because you are backign up your husband. She can yell all she wants but its your husband and i say keep reminding him.
Unfortunately the amount of power bm has over your household is the amount your dh gives.
My dh has made it very clear and so have i, that our family does nto cater to her family and her wants or needs. My dh and i feel the same way. He gives CS, what she does with it , is entirely up to her but she has no say in our household. We've clearly told the kids her mothers rules will NEVER apply to this household. She has no power. And we used these words and i've clearly said them straight to both kids. 'THsi is not your mothers house, and she will never have power over here. Her rules will not apply'
My dh's ex said the same thing when i first dating him. She said i interfered and i interferred with scheduals.... I didn't interfere...i basically reminded him the dates, restrictions according to the divorce decree and basically it was ok for her to bend it according to what she wanted but my dh had no leeway...BS. And my dh always stood his ground with her but stood more after i met him when it came to scheduals.
Is she still pist....yhah. couldnt give a flying F! the decree are guidelines for both of them and just because sheis the legal gardian does mean she gets her way everytime, bending the rules......
My dh married me. We are building our own family after his divorce.ex ousting him out and poisoned and keeps poisoning kids against him.
My mentality is and so is my dh, that his old family, is just that. She's ousted him , and he doesn't have that 'family' Therefore we've created a new one. the kids share between both. and are a part of both. I am not a part of his old family , i'm not with his old family, i am the new family. I do not join them, they join us.
As for boundaries, both of you must set boundaries for one another based as human beings. Not based on titles. If a bm gets into sm face while children are in front, she is in the WRONG! no matter what her title. She is theone who has crossed the line. And if you are reminding your dh of points, its your duty as a friend and wife to do so with your husband. I had a row with my dh ex on the phone over 7 years ago and clearly told him, HE IS MY HUSBAND.Your ex. GET IT CLEAR.

i meant, clearly told her...lol..i need more coffee!!!!
In the end smnikki, if bm begins her verbal assaults on you, dont back down. Stand your ground and tell her off like any other human being. She no special person to cower down. And keep telling her off. Nothing childish about that.
My dh ex honestly tries to avoid phone time at my house. Why ? Cause she knows i wont take crap from anyone, not even my own dh. i'll go above his head if she steps out of line.

This is what happened over the last incident with the BM and I decided that it didn't matter that step is before mother she made the choices that removed her from this situation. And despite her insane belief that somehow sometime they will be back together because they were meant to be........

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She and my huband have been conversing about the visitation being forced on us all. She gets to steal all of Christmas break from us this year. Previously when she had custody she always made my husband pay the full price of the ticket and reimbursed him. Now she feels like we should have to pay half up front. She waited till last second and it is horrifically expensive and with both of us having stints in the hospital recently we just don't have the money to put up front. We can reimburse her by the end of December though............

Well she has flat our refused and said she was gonna go ahead and buy the return ticket. We told her it would be a waste if she did it that way. Then she accused him of wanting mercy and compassion extended to him while getting no consideration in return... ummmmm WTF?? EXCUSE ME?? So I called to discuss this issue with her. (when she was here last time I exchanged the boys with her and we conversed for about 20 mins - so I figured we could be adults again....) She basically said I had no business poking my nose into a situation between her and my husband. I told her she was not his friend and I was his wife he was MY HUSBAND!!!! Well that tweaked her and she hung up on me.

So she then texts him “when you have something to talk about concerning the boys you talk to me!” so I texted back on his phone that I was his wife and they were my boys too. Well that one got her and she called the house again……………

She gives me this sickly sweet "I know you guys have built a life" line and says it is not my business because they aren't mine biologically. I inform her that I know more about them than she does.

She follows that with this whole be a better person attitude and I asked her if a better person would lie to their child about having a severe heart condition for 4 years? Told here we knew he has been fine for the last few years she let him worry about his heart exploding.........then she follows with her 'christian bs' about sorry I feel that way and she is a better person than me.

and of course in true Me style I asked her if a better person would f-ck two other people while married and said I will always be a better person than her and hung up.

So we sent an email informing her that the tickets are her responsibility as previously decided and that any further contact other than that would be considered harrassment and lo and behold we haven't heard from her............

So moving on..........I live every f-cking day with the damange her psychosis has wreaked on this family. Because of me we have gone along the path of healing enough that they are approaching normal emotions. And since I married him SHE decided to start poking her nose in where she hasn't care a whit before.

There is no encouraging a realationship because of HER!!

I have loved and supported those boys (for the last 3 years) like they are mine. I nurse their heart breaks and share their triumphs. When they are sick I'm the one nursing (she would leave them home alone). When they are angry I am the one that stands lovingly and patiently in the wake of all the sins of others that comes out in waves and they hit the nearest available target aka ME. I bring them home treats and decorate their rooms for their birthdays. All of these are things I do for my own and enfolded them into. They LOVE it. Why? Because she was NOTHING like a mother should be. (my husband of course standing by my side in it)

Remember when it is the guy and we call them sperm doners? Everyone is on board there...........I promise you she is nothing more than an egg doner/incubator. The only reason for contact is manipulation. I feel no pity. I feel no mercy or compassion. This is me PROTECTING my family. Period nothing else.

This is a true delusion about a "mysterious" connection she believes they have. I have laid quietly letting her hang herself and then pounced. I see nothing wrong with that. I provoked her this time yes, but she is clear where I stand now and won't try it again I'm sure of it, since we haven't heard a peep since.

I could have done much worse (and probably honestly wanted to but am better than that) when I exchanged kids with her in person. Would have gotten away with it too in my county. But I'm not like that. This is ONE time I lashed out. She stepped over the line, I made her aware.

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“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”

JMO
I wouldn't speak to the woman directly nor indirectly, it is up to your husband to stop her. My pretty little ears are too dignified to deal with that sort of thing and my man should protect me from any and all danger. It might be that the problem is your hubby. He needs to step up to the plate and take care of you.

Semantics dear, semantics. Taking care of you is defending you, no matter it is the concept not the wording that is important. Maybe it is a generational thing, but I take care of myself and my husband does also. It is in their DNA to be the protector. I make him happy by allowing him the honor to do so. It makes for a happy uncompetitive relationship. Anyway, JMO.

A man's self esteem comes from the women (wife/mom) in his life. That is a powerful and delicate position to have. We can make & break them. I try to be real careful with how I approach him to keep is dignity/ego in high regard. I want him to be a man & allow him his dignity by letting him take care of me.

Ok, so I need to go find your original post now... but from just reading this I want to say a few things:

1. The boundaries go both ways. We have to respect theirs, and they have to respect ours as well. That doesn't often happen that way, but that is how is SHOULD be.

2. I have found it easier to have DH tell BM, "let me think about it and call you back", then he will come and tell me what is going on, WE will decide on how we will handle whatever it is in OUR house, and he will go back and tell BM. I know it is a pride thing, and it took a LONG time to get to this point, but allowing her to think that "she and DH" are making the decisions, when really you are still involved... just makes life easier. And if she is not completely stupid, she will know that he is consulting with YOU, his WIFE when he says that.

3. I think DH does hold us to a higher standard, in all aspects. That is why he is no longer with this woman. He expected MORE out of a wife, and SHE was not it. WE are. So, yes... DH expects me to keep my cool when BM is acting like an idiot. NO, I don't think it is fair that we have to hold our tongues while she takes constant personal jabs at us... and YES it does SUCK. BUT.... it makes us the better person in the end AND no one expects you to be perfect in this 100% of the time. You just do your best, and when you have little outbursts as such keep in mind you are only HUMAN. And it will be ok.

And LASTLY~

DH needs to be VERY CLEAR to BM that you guys are a TEAM. You and DH are a united front, even if HE is the one that speaks to her. That all things that affect YOUR house will be discussed between you and him ALWAYS. She cannot tell him NO. She cannot FORCE him to make any decisions without consulting YOU first. Let her get mad that she has to wait to hear back from him. It won't change the fact that she has to wait. DH needs to stand his ground on this one... seriously.

Hang in there hun... I know days like this, and I hate them. They make my heart beat in my throat, they make my skin boil... but, they also come with the territory.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~