I don’t get
Why DH won't send SS18 to his country with his family. I'm trying to think about it and the only thing I can think of is that maybe he's ashamed?
I have to say that he has a really nice family. They are generally really really nice, calm people. They are very loving towards us and I don't see anyone having an issue with taking SS for a month or 2. They are living in poverty, so SS won't have an air conditioner, nor will he be able to raid the fridge at night because they won't have extra food, but hey, he can spend some quality time with his family, though I'm sure he'll hate it (he's only been there a handful of times).
A couple of weeks ago, DH mentioned that he wishes his family was around because he feels he would have had a lot more help. He also feels his first 2 kids might have turned out differently.
But on the other hand, when I suggest to him to send SS18 over with his family, until the jobcorp people get back with an admission date, he says he'd rather just take him back on the road with him.
Someone commented on my post once on here about how it could be considered an issue for DH to have SS tag along in his truck and I told DH but I'm not sure what he's planning on doing.
As it stands, I told him he is in no way to leave and go trucking on the road again and leaving me his 18 year old. DH is stressed out about it, because he wants to go back to work, but he feels like he can't because he's waiting on jobcorp to get back to him with the admission plan.
I think a solution to this would be to send Ss18 to his family until he gets a decision. This way, DH can go back to work. Why is this so hard for him?
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Would DH provide his family with some money to
Would DH provide his family some money to cover SS's expenses? If they are hard up, they may not be able to afford to feed an 18 year old boy.
Technically
He would, but he told me today that the reason he doesn't want to send him is because he feels his mom is not doing well and he doesn't want her to ger sick by worrying about what is happening. I told him maybe he should be honest with his siblings, but just tell them to tell his mom the visit is happening because SS is about to enter a trade school, and he wants to visit his family. DH thinks Ss is going to make things worse so he won't send him.
It's hard for him because he
It's hard for him because he's stuck
He knows you don't want to be responsible for his adult kid, he knows his family is poor and probably can't afford to host him more than a weekend (yeah he could send money but living in lesser conditions that what you're used to can be stressful), and he knows it's not feasible to take him with him to work but that's the best option out of the three.
Can the son not get a job and become licensed to drive on the road with him in a more legit way?
He could
But SS18 wants to be a rapper, and go to online school for his GED. Because he's been so defiant in life, he's never finished or completed anything. I would imagine that he would say he's working and then when he quits or gets fired, leave the house to act like he's going to work, just like he did for school.
I asked Ss if he wanted to do college, no. I asked if he wanted to go to the military, he said no. I asked him to just get a job, at an Amazon warehouse, Taco Bell, McDonald's while he's going for his GED, and nope he didn't want to do that either. I've helped DH with his kid as much as I could these past 11 years, but that's it. I can no longer live with SS. He refuses to do anything he doesn't want to and he is offensive to me on top of that.
Once Ss saw that his dad was on board with sending him to Jobcorp, he began to text me and wanted me to "compromise" with him, which really means he wants me to let him live with me while he figures out how to become a rapper while doing the least. When I told him no, he started to become offensive, saying that I respond with my emotions and that I sound like a "broken record with your rants". I've told him for years that this day would come if he didn't change and it's here.
I can't stay with SS anymore. The most consistent thing I see about this kid is that he gives up when the going gets tough. I can wish that he would get his license, but he won't. He's already shown us that he'll do what he wants, and he proved that by dropping out of hs 2 months shy of graduating. I don't have the energy to allow him in my life and to mooch off of me anymore.
What is the plan if this kid
What is the plan if this kid flunks out of the Jobcorp?
I don’t know
And that's what I'm afraid of as well. I told DH I personally cannot do it anymore. And it's not so much as that SS is outright horrible most times, it's that the consistent thing he does have is a problem with authority. I'm almost sure he will leave or get kicked out because he doesn't like listening to rules.
My issue in this is that DH allowed SS to get to this point and I foresaw what would happen with both kids. Ss23 still has the same issues he left with, but he doesn't live with us anymore and it has been a lot easier. Ss18 I knew kept being allowed to quit, DH was never consistent with his discipline and now he is struggling with launching SS. I'll tell you what DH said. He said that if Ss gets kicked out of jobcorp, he will have to go to a shelter, because there will be nowhere else for him to go. I may have some tenants for my home, and I am downsizing (deliberately) because I'm ready to be free of them. I just want peace in my home. I'm tired.
It sucks because he is still DDs brother whom she loves very much (I've always promoted positivity and tried not to let her see the issues). And to a certain extent, I care about SS, but not at the cost of peace in my home. Ss doesn't see the error of his ways, in his head, he doesn't understand what people are making a big deal about, because all he does is stay in his room. He doesn't get that someone has to go out and pay said mortgage for the room, that light and wifi have to be paid. That the food he eats is with the money I'm working for. I'm not even able to leave my house for vacation, because of something stupid Ss might do (steal, throw party, etc).
Time to quit asking him what he wants and to start telling him
what he will do.
We had similar conversations with my SS-30 when he was at the age your SS is at. The difference being, he graduated from HS at 17 (though not without drama and it was a closely run thing). We gave him the summer after graduation on our dime. The day after his 18th B-day and aging out from under the CO it was game on. He did not want to go to college, he did not want to work. So... he worked for us doing what he was told when he was told. If he refused, he was left on the curb the next AM when his mom and I left for work. No key, he had to figure out how to eat, drink, keep warm, keep cool. He only tested us twice and after that.. he got his chores done as assigned each day. After 4mos of working his ass off for us for only room and board (no pay) he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. We kept working his butt off for 4 more mos until he reported for BMT.
SS recently celebrated 12yrs of USAF service. He intends to do 8more years to earn his paid for the rest of his life US military retirement and medical benefits. He is doing well. His mom and I are very proud of him.
At some point it is no longer about what a kids wants. It is about what has to happen for that kid to launch into viable adulthood. Whether they want to or not.
The parents job is to light the platform on fire nad keep the flames hight until the kid has no choice but to jump.
Far too many parents are mistaken that their job is to protect their children from life. When the truth is the parent's job is to prepare them for life.
IMHO of course.
Thank you Rags
Unfortunately, SS dropped out of high school 2 months ago, he should have been graduating this month. He just does what he wants with no consequence. It took for me to ask DH to leave with him to his apartment and finish launching him for DH to finally agree that jobcorp is the right choice for now. I don't trust SS to get his GED while living with us, he dropped out of school and nothing really came of that. He just doesn't do what he's supposed to unless forced.
Right now, we are awaiting the reply for admissions counselor. If they say they won't take him, I have no ideas for what to do with the kid. He doesn't have his diploma so he can't do military or college, he would have to still go back and do GED.
When I read your story, I have hope SS will turn out like your son, but I think it's deeper with him, and he refuses therapy. I just can't do it much longer, my daughter and I both need a peaceful and safe environment.
If he is 18... re-key the locks.
If he is not yet 18... time for forced emancipation.
Though I doubt his father will do either one or if either is even possible in NY.
Take care of you.