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clarification

sosmomof6's picture

Submitted by sosmomof6 on Fri, 12/15/2006 - 8:28am

I have read about several bloggers here who met their current partner/spouse out of an affair, with the BM being the ex. It might seem like I bash the BM in my case because of the affair and my bitterness out of that. I'd like to write this to clear that up...because I've thought long and hard about all of this before. While I don't agree with affairs, that doesn't mean I condemn anyone who has them. I know that, ultimately, we love who we love and that sometimes we realize we do not always love the person we're with, or that they do not love us how we want or need to be loved. So I think that if a spouse/partner is unhappy or abused in their relationship, they may find that they are truly happier with someone else...and sometimes they find that someone else w/o the other's knowledge. It is many times sad for the people involved, but in those instances the second or subsequent relationship
can be found to be healthier. The main reason I disagree with the cheating is because it's dishonest. But I find that, in not all instances....but many...the affair partner doesn't have much to do with the cheater keeping things from their spouse. It is the cheater's responsibility to be honest if they can't/ do not choose to commit to the relationship for whatever reason.

I say this because I have asked myself if my negative feelings towards BM are related to the affair. What I've come up with is both yes and no. I am hurt by the affair, mostly because she also lied to me/betrayed me by leading me to believe that she was my close friend. I have a lot of negative feelings about all of that, and I think that it would be easier (not easy, but easier) to deal with if he had cheated with a stranger, someone I HADN'T known or been so "close" to. And other unfinished business I have in dealing with the affair, both with him and her.

But, if this makes sense, I've also asked myself if I hate her because of how DH might have felt about her. When reading the different situations here I wonder to myself~"Say he had divorced me and re-married with her, and I was "the ex" and she was the second wife...would I be seen as the "psycho", the bitter witch who couldn't "let go" of her relationship?" In some ways I think she sees me that way even though my DH actually was and is happier with me, and re-committed to our marriage and ended things with her. But anyway, if the roles were "reversed", I'm sure I would be upset about our marriage ending and not working out. I don't think I would blame her for that. I've thought, if I knew my husband really loved her and they were happier than we had been, then I can't see myself being vindictive by trying to interfere with their happiness, as many of the SM's on this site are going through with the Biomoms in their cases. I just hope that any SM's who met/were involved with their current spouse/partner while they were still married or involved with their ex at the time...I hope you don't think that I think bad of you as I'm typing about my experience, because I don't. What matters most to me isn't so much the taboos of affairs, but where our hearts lie.

Comments

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Fri, 12/15/2006 - 12:10pm

I personally didn't think that you thought that at all. Beleive it or not I share your views on 'affairs'..good, bad, right, wrong, whatever the justification ...I'm sure all would agree it's not the ideal way to end or start a relationship, period!

In my case, although our relationship began while we were still under the same roof with our ex's....our marriages were over in most regards...but we were 'still married'...not separated. (Just stuck out of fear of the unknown....and hanging onto what was familiar.)

There was no hanky-panky between us until after we officially 'ended it with our respective x's'.....and officially became 'separated'..

That made ME personally feel less guilty...about it.

I also get on my holy-er-than-thou high horse when I speak of hubby's X and her affairs.......but that doesn't mean I'm bashing everyone else whose relationship started that way too.
It just stirs emotions when I think of HER period! And I get focussed on THAT particular situation with HER whom I dispise and HIM whom I love.....so my biases become very black & white.

SO.....I understand where your coming from...
I'm a biomom as well as a step-mom....and I don't take offense when people generalize about biomoms..either because I realize they are speaking 'venting' from emotion and frustration and are reflecting on thier own situations for the most part....

I do that too. I bitch about evil x's.......at the same time..there's days I'm sure my X or his GF thinks I AM the evil X...

It's all in how you look at it....
I don't take offense and I hope people don't take offense when I get wound up about things that hit a nerve with me too!! Smile

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 12/15/2006 - 2:19pm

My view is that anyone "married" is off limits and is not ready for another relationship until they end the business of their first. You can justify it anyway you want, but its wrong. Also why would anyone want to get involved with a cheater anyways, that will come back around. Even so when they have children its even more despictable so down the road they only have themselves to blame when the ex and children have 0 respect and give them a lifetime of hell. Or like in many cases write them off. Theres no justification for morally challenged folks.

sosmomof6's picture

Submitted by sosmomof6 on Fri, 12/15/2006 - 5:11pm

This wasn't really directed at anybody, lovin-life...just some things that I've been pondering over. Kind of similar to what you said~ I despise BM because of issues I have with her, not really because of the affair.

As with many things, Anonymous, cheating is not a black or white issue. I don't know if you've ever been cheated on or will get cheated on, but it happens to most of us at some point in our lives, even if we don't know of it. I certainly don't agree with it or justify it, because I've been on the receiving end of the hurt....but I'm not just going to write off people who cheat. Everyone messes up, nobody's perfect. I'm interested in if people can grow and/or change of their own want~ in my case DH has, but BM is just a constant source of negativitity.

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Sat, 12/16/2006 - 2:00am

As you tell us more about your situation with this woman, I begin to wonder if any of this has anything to do with HIM at all. It almost sounds like something changed in your friendship and she used him as a tool to hurt you for some reason. It doesn't sound like she did any of this out of any great love for HIM, it sounds like she did it solely to torment YOU.

And I do think it is different if the "other woman" is someone close to you, that does make it a thousand times worse. It's not just his betrayal of you, it's also her betrayal of you. It's like she sucked you into this long, elaborate drama for the sole purpose of causing you pain. Yes, it does take two and you guys are dealing with his role in this, but I think her part in it was far more heinous than his. Like you said, sometimes there are marital problems and sometimes people make mistakes. That can be overcome. But she knew that she was having sex with her best friend's husband and not using protection... it almost sounds like she wanted the pregnancy to happen because she knew it would hurt you. I don't know if it was jealousy or what, but her focus seems to be more on you than on him. I doubt it was ever really about her wanting to be with him, it was more about her not wanting YOU to be with him.

Your husband appears almost like background noise, if you know what I mean. It seems like you and she and are the stars of this show and he's just an extra added in for a plot point or something. I don't think that for her, this was ever about him. I think for her, this was all about YOU. Your situation is unique in that respect. I suspect you would go through a whole different range of emotions if the other woman was your friend, rather than a total stranger. You are totally justified.

~ Anne ~

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Sat, 12/16/2006 - 8:07am

I used to feel like annonymous....and she/he can call me morally challenged if that is her/his opinion.

But, I met my soul-mate....my marriage was long over...as was his. To this day, I still haven't finished my 'loose-ends' from my marriage...(paperwork)..OH WELL! We made the right decision for us.

My X cheated on me...before we were married. We had been dating for 2 years and I came to find out he was sleeping with a girl in his class. He actually invited her out with our group many times and paraded her around under my nose the whole time he was sleeping with her. Oh course I kicked him to the curb!!! But he spend the next number of months..trying to get me back. I went back and we eventually married....but in hindsight..something changed the day I found out. I was so hurt...I don't think I ever really got over it.

Hubby's X preyed on married men via internet chat rooms...
One affair the guys wife called him and told him she had found motel receipts..of his wife and her husband. It was many guys over the last 4 years of their marriage. She moved out and in with her mother on two occasions..but also spent the next number of months boo hoo ing and lying her way back in....only to screw around again.

I know you weren't asking me about leaving after an affair...but I thought I'd add my two cents... Smile

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Tue, 12/19/2006 - 12:41am

Hi, sosmomof6. I'm just catching up on all of this... lol.

I don't have any true advice for your situation about affairs. I just don't have any experience in this area, and don't feel qualified to comment. I can say that I was cheated on, but I was also in a different circumstance. But I understand your initial pain.

I just have to say that I absoluately commend you for being able to work and save your marriage. Both of you have willingly put aside your issues, anger, guilt, and resentment for compassion and commitment. That in itself demonstrates how much you value your marriage- let alone each other, and yourselves. Granted, I'm sure it was a painful process, but you chose to "walk the line" together.

So many people give such little effort to their spouses, marriage, or the vows that they promised each other. People are 'hitching up' quicker and faster for comfort, rather than seriously looking at what it means to be married. And often, as soon as there is serious conflict, instead of being able to look at themselves, their marriage, the true issues that lie before them, they run to the nearest divorce court; when many just need to communicate with each on a level that they are not fimilar with or comfortable, because they don't want to look in that deep mirror. You have undoubtably done this. You have done some major self reflection. I think you are a wonderful woman and I hope you know that!

sosmomof6's picture

Submitted by sosmomof6 on Tue, 12/19/2006 - 3:23pm

That means a lot to me...I really don't feel all that wonderful too often, so thank you very much. I am misting up now! Several people have asked me why in the world I would stay with my husband after this situation....like it was a stupid thing to do. Sometimes it took a lot not to get sucked into those doubts. Thank you for letting me know that there are others who support my decision. Most of all, blessings to you!