Given crap over underwear......
This incident was a couple of weeks ago, but it's just one example of the many thing I want to vent about....
SS is 5 years old and has PDDNOS....a spectrum of autism. He is not yet potty-trained, but BM reported in an email that she had him wearing underwear for roughly a week and he had been keeping them clean for the most part, and that she had him in Pull-Ups at night.
Well on his next visit with us, he did not want to go to the bathroom. DH took him upstairs to go twice and there was nothing, and every time we asked if he had to go he would say "No, not now". But when my husband checked him later on, sure enough he had made the OTHER kind of BM in his underpants. We've potty-trained 3 kids now, and sometimes we can salvage them with thorough cleaning and a couple runs through the laundry. But not to put too fine a point on it, this was one of those messes that was, well, a real mess! And when that's been the case with our daughters, we would just throw them out. So DH threw out this pair.
Well, his mom just took off running with DH....saying there was "nothing that could come out of his body that couldn't be cleaned, it's not hard to do". He explained, as above, that he or I would've cleaned them out under other circumstances....not good enough for her...she continued on about it for the next 4 emails, saying "it's part of being a parent, if you can't deal with the crap that comes with it then don't have him visit". grrrr....does it make sense that her comment rubbed us the wrong way? Are we the only parents who have thrown out underwear before? I just don't understand why she turned it into such a big deal...it's not like we trashed a $50 outfit...it's underwear. We've gone through buying extra packs of underwear before, even with our budget being half of hers.
Well supposedly SS is supposed to visit today, after missing the last week and a half....but even that's not certain, because BM is trying to say that DH never confirmed about the visits in his email. We've read over them a few times and he says at least twice yes, for SS to come today. But she would still say in her next email that he was "ignoring" the issue....??? So I guess we'll see if he comes or not
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I think it is more of a
I think it is more of a territorial thing that the whole underwear issue. Do you get along with BM? I would have thrown them out and just sent home a new pack of underwear with him. I don't understand why kids have to be punished by not seeing their parents because the supposed mature parents can't get along. That is not the child's fault. If he is supposed to visit today, he should be there, regardless of how she feels about DH. She needs to work out her feelings without using her son as a pawn. How long have you been SM of little boy?
Good Luck!
I agree that this is more about other issues than underwear...
This must be very challenging...trying to sort out all of these issues and having a child who has special needs, especially one who probably benefits from having routines. This must be very difficult for you as a step parent. Try to see beyond the underwear concern particularly. How would the biomom feel that the situation is best resolved? How do you and your spouse think that it is best resolved? Is there something that works for everyone?
I don't know...
Hello hopeful...I'm not sure how to answer this. Biomom's "solution" just seemed to be that SS should not visit. It is hard to talk to her about things like conflict resolution...many times we have tried, and her whole attitude is "I don't have to do anything, this is how I do things and 'everyone else' I know does things this way, they agree with me" and so on. And she'll keep going about why she's right and DH is always wrong. We agree that SS would probably benefit more (especially with the potty-training) if he were more accustomed to coming here regularly, hence a reason to try to keep to the custody schedule, but she doesn't tend to want to address those issues. I don't know what will work for everyone....she made it clear that she just wanted us to wash them out and that he never should have thrown them away
Sure that is what she says to you...
That is what she says to you but doesn't she really mean that or is she just trying to made you made, shoot you down...who knows. But would you agree that it is not just about underwear? Perhaps I am wrong (happens lots). If you washed them out and folded them neatly and returned them...would that be the right thing? Who knows? The dynamic is definitely between the adults involved, mostly dad and biomom. What about some counselling to sort out a unified approach between you and dad with issues like this? You won't ever be able to change her most likely. I don't know...there are so many dynamics in step family issues....mostly it is all just too bad things have to happen like this to people!
Sick of it!
Well it turns out that NO he is not visiting again today apparently. Drop off time was supposed to be 1:30 and it's now over an hour later and no email from her or phone call or anything. DH sent her another email to find out what happened, so I'm sure she'll just stir up more s#*t now tomorrow. To answer Little Lucy, no, I definitely do NOT get along with BM anymore. SS was born in 2002, but my husband has only had custody since Sep. 2005 and before that we only saw him a few times a year at best.
We actually did pose the question back to her when she said why didn't we wash them out, he said "Ok, if it bothers you that much, next time I'll put them in a plastic bag, you take them home and YOU wash them out". Since her whole argument was that SHE had spent the money on them, so how DARE we throw her money away". I think she would have a fit or at least say something bitchy if we just bought dollar store underwear for him, since she went on about these were special Spiderman underwear she had bought. My take on it is sure, it's nice to buy character underwear that they like, but have plain backups too because let's face it...part of potty-training is accepting that there will be accidents! That includes accidents in character undies too. But this is how she is with us....ugh, the day won't come soon enough where I don't have to put up with her crap anymore!
Undies, pillowcases, blankies... it gets yucked on, it's out!
If we are traveling and it gets puked on, it gets left in the trash can at the nearest rest area. If it's undies that get pooped in, then that would depend upon the, uh, consistency of the "deposit." If it can be dropped into the toilet, then I wash the undies a couple of times. If it's a sticky/wet mess, I'd toss it. My stepson, also PDD, used to have football-sized/shaped BMs that were just impossible to flush and, frankly, I don't know how he could stand to have them in his underpants. Nevertheless, that's where he would put them, in his undies. He was probably eight or nine before he completely outgrew that. I've never had a problem with his mom about missing clothing, though. Usually, if there's been a problem where clothing got ruined and had to be tossed, we'd just tell her and she understood. To her credit, that's one problem we've never had with her. I know she's tossed plenty of his underoos over the years, too. She was more embarrassed that someone else (me) knew about her son's "problem." She's very into the image thing.
~ Anne ~
My solution...
Send BM a nice new pretty little package of new undies... with a pretty big shiny bow on it. ;0) Ignore the rest.
I think our local dump
is pretty much FILLED with my 4 year olds poopy underwear. Are you SUPPOSED to wash them?? In fact, I've taught him to do it himself. I couldn't figure out where this god awful smell was coming from in the living room a few days ago... it smelled like a turd covered in bird hair. I found the culprit 30 feet away in the bathroom trashcan. I can't imagine having that go through my washing machine... I'd have to burn it afterwards. If she wants them back so bad just send them back as is.
Wow...I guess nobody on the site is a nurse...
I don't throw anything out that is puked on, stained, urinated on or stooled on. I wash it, use stain remover and carry on with life. If the stain comes out, cool. If it doesn't, then I discard. I guess as a nurse, I wouldn't think twice about this stuff. If I was upset everyone time one of the kids that I care for got any bodily fluid on me, I'd be unemployed.
Does anyone have pets? Do they mess on anything? Kitty litter that you have to empty? These have more risk of causing disease than anything that you might clean up from a little kid.
That's how I see it too...
I feel the same. I used to work in a petshop/veterinarian hospital when I was in college, and let me tell you... not much surprises me either! lol.
RE:
Off topic, but I actually used to work as a caregiver for three handicapped adult men, two of which were incontinent. I think if you can change a grown man's dirty diaper, you can do just about anything.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Our take is
wash/try to salvage if it's not that bad....knowing from experience, when it's gooped on there, there is pretty much no saving it....even a good washing would still leave it stained. What bothered me wasn't the mess or even that BM was mad about the issue, it was how she tried to turn it into a reason for SS not to visit and tell DH that he doesn't know how to parent. I like the idea of giving her a little "present" of underwear though....she would not expect a gift from us, so I'm sure her expression would be candid ;0 ) Does that make me naughty?
I would do whatever you feel comfortable with...
I would do whatever you feel comfortable with, knowing that biomom's complaint is really probably not about the undies and what you do or do not do with them.
Send her 'new underwear' for the boy ..in the spirit of xmas
I like that idea....
As far as ...Wash or Trash?.....that's your call. Not her's...
I had a hard time training my son as well...many 'accidents' of both kinds.. If it was particularly bad....underwear was trashed!! No question! If not so bad I salvaged them with a good toilet rinse. A bucket soap & bleach soak....another rinse..a well gloved hand wash...and when they were 'clean' a regular machine wash. But only the 'newest' and 'best' spiderman underwear with 'minimal' casualty.....got this extra life saving attention.
The rest were 'put of their misery'..........