Unabashed venting!
Now I am seeing red.....
We thought/hoped that since my attendance at SS's IEP meeting was cleared by his teacher that BM would find out I was allowed to come on that day.
Nope.
First she said the school called her after my DH had spoken with them to "see if [BM] was ok with it". From the way she spoke, my best guess is that she told them NO, she is NOT. She said to my H that she informed them that "[YOU] may go"...ie, only him, not me. More about how I'm not his parent...will she ever stop rubbing that in my face?
Then she just went too far!! She said for my H to "Deal with [her] insecurities in counseling". And "She needs to deal with the fact that [you and I] are going to have to deal with things without her". Then calling my H "childish" for saying that he won't go with her unless I can be there. So "he's" being childish, but "she's" not.....ok! Whatever!
Ugh....I was so mad after reading that. I hate that she tries to make it seem like I'm keeping my H on a short leash, and she says it MUST mean I'm "insecure". How about...we don't want to deal with playing the guessing game of what she says my H did or said~ and if he's not alone with her then that eliminates that problem! Why must she twist things to make it seem like we're "wrong" for being a united front after the affair? Trying to guilt trip us that this should "be about SS, not [your wife]". I wish she would just realize that my H being a father to SS doesn't have to mean that he "HAS to" exclude me and our children and play into her warped reality of a "separate family unit".
Well, he's calling the school again next week. If they've granted her wish and changed their mind, now saying that I SHOULDN'T go...then I guess it's a separate meeting or nothing
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As a teacher, let me give
As a teacher, let me give you some advice. IEPs are for the legal guardians of the child in question. That means the biological parents, the foster parents, or any individual that the COURT dictates as the person responsible for the child. If she is the custodian parent of the child and wishes that you are not involved with the IEP process, that is her legal right. She is the biological mother of that child. They have a child together. I know you despise her, and despite your feelings for her, this meeting is not for you, her or the BH, it is for the child. There is so much that a school is required to do for the child when an IEP is in place. NCLB is strict and clear as to what will take place. If there is an IEP in place, then obviously that means the child needs extra services to be successful. Sometimes, IEPs have certain measures in place that the guardian must do as well. You are not responsible for fulfilling these requirements so you really do not need to know what she is required to do. Let your husband handle his child's education. Be supportive of your husband. Believe me the meetings are about the child not the parents. I go through these meetings on a continuous basis and have a child of my own on IEPs (he has a heart problem, eye problem and is dyslexic) his father has never been to a meeting and doesn't contact the school to let them know if he is attending or not. You should be happy that someone cares enough about this child to want him to be successful. It says a lot about his character.
On a personal note, did you have an affair with your husband while he was still married to her? I feel once a man or woman cheats then they will always cheat. My husband cheated on me and his wife now is so insecure she accuses me of trying to get him back. Marriages that are a result of an affair usually end 75% of the time.
While my daughter was in
While my daughter was in Early Childhood, we were involved in many IEP meetings. My husband, her step-father, was very welcome in these meetings, and at no time was it ever stated that he couldn't be there.
Teachers want peace between parents/step-parents, but they do not insist that only the biological parent is there. The biological parent must sign the paperwork, but step-parents are allowed to be at meetings.
If they know there will be conflict among the family members...they will ask to make sure the situation is a good one for the child.
P.s.....How can she have an affair with her husband if he is still married. Are you saying before he divorced his wife? It's not our place to judge and to remind us of our US divorce rate. I'm not understanding your question.... You might want to re-phrase this.
Good for you
As a teacher I mainly stated that the parents have more of a right to the IEP meetings than the stepparents. I did not state that they could not be there. I do know that there are advocates out there that are brought in by the parents that request that stepparents are not involved with the meetings and those requests have to be honored. The teacher does not run the meetings the special education administrators do. If there is a request on the table by the custodial parent that a person not attend the meeting, that request must be honored. I never stated that the teachers are the ones keeping the stepparents out I merely stated that if it is a request made by the parent than the school honors it. Please read my comments much more carefully. As far as my question is concerned I was merely trying to figure out if she was the one that had the affair or if it was the other way around. You forgot to put a question mark after a clearly stated question. I might remind you that it is not your place to judge either.
My point is....why do you
My point is....why do you assume someone had and affair?????
I'm not trying to blast you, but you are assuming things that aren't true as well. I met my husband when he was already divorced as well as I was already divorced. How do you know that isn't the same situation with her? Please don't take harsh offense....
Have a great Sunday!
Unclear....
I don't know what NCLB stands for...if you read this again, could you please tell me?
BM was never married to my husband. Actually, in this situation it was the other way around~ I've been married to him for over 7 years, and she had an affair with my husband, yes, while we were very much married. And she knew our situation well. Granted I am not the child's bio-mother, but I have been involved in his life alot....I helped him be born even.
Anyway, it is because of the issues with the affair that is exactly why my husband and I do not agree that he should go anywhere with the BM. We both understand that the focus of the meeting is the child. However, it is also delicate because my husband and I have been advised that it is best that he have no contact with the ex mistress, ie, BM. Because of custody, I don't mind that he has contact, but we draw a boundary at him having contact with her if I am not around, and BM knows this~ but that's what she keeps wanting to fight about. This is not so much because I think he will cheat with her again~ it's mostly because the few times that she has been alone with him since paternity was established (at court dates for example) she tells me he said or did things that he swears he did not. And I myself have witnessed how she can twist things that are facts....I don't know what it is with her. But anyway, if I'm there with them, or he stays here with me, then I don't have to wonder what really happened. It is an important step of recovery from the affair.
My husband does have partial custody and joint legal custody, so I'm already involved with SS and helping to raise him. As is her current husband and her step-father, who lives with her. She has also had her mother attend important meetings and tests for the child (which she did not tell my H when they were, just after the fact), and her mother is not listed as a legal guardian at all. I see where BM may not want me around, but to be fair, my H is his parent too, so why should she get to include her chosen family members in SS's life but try to exclude me or even my husband? It appears that she is more concerned with using this as another way to try to cause extra trouble between my husband and I, instead of looking at the extra input it will give for his placement
Side note~ when my H spoke to the school, they told him it was ok for me to be there, even with it being an IEP meeting. What bothers us is that BM is still trying to fight against it, even with the school's approval. If they had said I wasn't allowed, then we would've just accepted that and tried to set up a different meeting time for him, to avoid BM. But the fact that they encouraged me to attend, and BM wants to ignore that just because she "doesn't like me"....that's why I'm venting
NCLB is the federal law of
NCLB is the federal law of No Child Left Behind, that all states and school districts must follow. But you are not the stated Legal Guardian of the child. If the court states you as the legal guardian then the school does not have the right to keep you from the proceedings. All I know is that from the law it states that the legal guardians have that right to say yes or no who can be there. If she doesn't want you there then just deal with it. I know that sounds harsh. But it is the sad facts. I would do anything to have the stepmom involved with the boys' lives but she and my ex prefer not to be involved. Where does the child live mostly? My ex and I have joint custody but the boys live with me 100% of the time. If the child lives with her and she gets the child support, then she is the custodial parent. He will have to have contact with her and there will be times that you can't be there. My sons' stepmom does not want me to notify my ex about the boys and their education. She runs interference to the point that the courts had to tell her to cease and desist. The judge stated to her,"...their mother has every right to relay messages based on their health, and well-being. You, ma'am do not have that right to determine what information he receives or does not receive." It ticks her off but my youngest has a heart condition and since dad is in the military and the boys' fall under his insurance he needs to know what procedures the little one is undergoing. He has no idea because she intervenes at all times. Even the Inspector General of the Army has told her to stop. She has even gone so far as to have the boys removed from the military's dependent service so that they could not get medical care because she was mad at me for contacting him. I know it is frustrating at times that she is in his life but being the bigger person is always best. I know that you are active in his life and I applaud you for that but the law doesn't always recognize that. Just let him go by himself and have him relay to you what took place. The adminstrator running the meeting will not allow the pettiness to continue. If they are anything like my administrators then they lay down the rules right away. If she tells you things he did or said out of your presence why give her the pleasure of allowing it to bother you? If you know he didn't say those things, then simply tell her, "Thank you for the information." I wish you luck.
I respectfully disagree Anji
I'm going to have to deal with it no matter the outcome. However~ "he will have to have contact....and there are times that you can't be there"~ I do not agree that they need to be together without me. He agrees with that. Our marital therapy and many others who are recovering from affairs agree with us. Yes, contact is important for the child's sake. But every email she sends, my H has me right here with him and we read them together. When her or her H send text messages, we both read and respond. When she calls, I am within earshot, and my H makes sure of that.
To say that I should just let him go alone is to ignore our marital therapy and invite more trouble. I am not worried about what will take place in the meeting itself. Again, I have no issues about the child. But from alot of experience, I know that BM will talk to my H as they are walking into the school and out. And then she might come back at me and say things like he "tried to give her a hug and [I] brushed him off" or so on, to try to make me think he has feelings for her. This also makes my H mad, because he insists that he does not do these things. I do not actively seek to let it bother me, but the simple fact is if I am not there then there is no way for me to know the truth. t wouldn't be a big deal if we were divorced, but we're not. We're working hard on reconciling, and her interference gets in the way of that. I am not at all trying to bring "pettiness" into SS's evaluation, but we (my H and I) do not see why he can't choose both his marriage AND his SS. To have him go with her would further feed into her delusions that my children and I do not exist in her world and she has separated my husband into a "bubble" that consists of her, him and their son. That's just never been the case.