Anyone who has read my posts before have been able to tell (I hope) that I have honestly tried to give BM the benifit of the doubt in every possible situation. I have desperately WANTED to believe that there are reasons I just couldn't see for why she does what she does. As it turns out, there is, she's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

But I have decided I must accept finally, that no matter what the reason, BM hiding out and avoiding contact with her one and only 4 year old daughter because she doesn't want to get served court papers, IS HER BEING A LOUSY MOTHER!

Whew, I feel better.

I'm just so sick of this. I'm sick of BM drama, games, and most of all, I'm sick of seeing my poor SD waiting. What kind of a mother does this?

It was about a week ago I talked to BM on the phone, I called her of course, and I decided to bring up the elephant on the line about us going to court. She admitted that she is evading service of the papers until she can save money for an attorney. I told her how Dh and I don't have one.

Bm again blamed CPS, it's all their fault, they did this and that and supposedly told her neighbors they wanted her to check into a "mental retardation center", yeah....okay. I told BM if that is true she should get on the phone with CPS and get this cleared up. I told her we dont' want to go to court either, but with CPS telling us she is a danger and strongly encouraging us to go to court to change the orders, we are not taking any chances of them seeing us as not protecting SD. I told her that DH and I feel that NOT persuing changing the orders in court could have been seen by CPS as neglect or child endangerment and would she want SD being put in foster care? I know that's a far stretch, but like I said, CPS said "jump" and we said "how high?".

Sd asked BM where she was staying when she talked to her on the phone last week. BM wouldn't even tell her 4yr old. She did tell SD she can send mail to BM's mother's house and she will get it there.

BM is currently in violation of the court order by not notifying the court and DH of her change of address.. and employment for that matter. I'm so upset over her doing this to SD that right now I'd love to slap a motion for enforcement and for sanctions against her. Then I remember I'm not an attorney and I'd probably be shooting DH in the foot.

BM's mother, who made the call to us that got this whole mess started, had not been returning my calls until yesterday. She had answered the other day when DH called her and she told him she just does not want to be in the middle and involved in all this.

That's kinda upsetting when she was the one initiating the concern BM was on dope and a danger to SD!

Then she and I talked and agreed she would come over yesterday. She shows up with a card and stickers for SD from BM!

I'm trying hard not to sound like an evil stepwitch, but , what the heck?! She doesn't want to be in the middle or answer for BM, but she'll deliver mail and help her keep her location a secret?

Now, I do not want to say I want no contact between BM and SD, but after she admitted she's hiding out on purpose, I stopped sending the pictures SD wants mailed to BM.

In my opinion, until BM is ready to step up and answer for what occured with CPS and fight for a relationship with her daughter, she is being a LOUSY MOTHER AND DOESN'T DESERVE A DARN THING!!!

That's right, I said it and it feels good to get it out!!!

Dh and I wanted to continue to allow BM to visit SD at our house, but then we discussed how BM evading court could also be because she will not pass a drug test, and how it is really not safe for SD or BD to have BM over under the influence. What do ya'll think?

Amazing to me is, in the short time since Sd has not been going to stay with BM she has become more secure and independent. Where she used to cry and cling to DH and I when we had to part with her so we could go to court etc., SD is now so excited to go visit my aunt and cousins and even stay overnight at my grandma's. Where SD used to despise the idea of going to church with my cousins, she's now participating in the classes and singing the choir songs.

I know this has God's protection for SD written all over it, but I can't help being amazed and in awe of well she is doing. I can also see that the timing is a blessing. BM would have had SD for the entire month of July, but with the current court order giving DH sole possession until further order of the court, we should't have to worry about that month.

The lousy proces server we hired that ran off still has not returned our money or our papers. We were able to hire the constable to attempt, but of course with BM hiding out, she did not get served in time for the hearing so it has been rescheduled. Great thing is the constable seems to be willing to help us and has submitted an affidavit and will serve BM by posting the papers on her mother's door. After that I'll be pacing the floor wondering if BM will get up the nerve to go to the hearing.

I sure hope I don't sound too cruel towards Bm. I realize so much of this is her illness and not her choosing. I guess I'm angry at the situation and SD being subjected to all this more than anything. If I could scoop BM up and carry her to a place to help her I would. I just don't have a magic wand.

Thanks for letting me vent,

Shell