I Try Not to Be a Controlling BM, but exH insists
It's like he still needs me to wipe his butt or something.
Yesterday was so fun! First, I get a text from him asking what the plan was for the kids on Friday (since they don't have school). I respond with something along the lines of, "I assumed you had it covered since it's your day and you hadn't mentioned anything in advance. I'll be working from home if you need to drop them off if you don't have anything planned".
Slightly irritated, but apparently, he was able to make accomodations for most of the day.
Then later that night (his night), I am at a pizza parlor for a friend's son's 18 year olds' family bday dinner. I peak at my phone when we are getting ready to leave and there is a text from exH and a vm from DD12. Text says, "After you pick up DD, I'll just get her from your house around 8 pm". (DD had a school trip that day and they were getting back around that time).
The VM from DD says, "hi mom, just want to make sure you know you're picking me up tonight and taking me to your house."
So, I rush to go get DD and send exH a text letting him know I'm on my way to get DD, but that this is the first I've heard that I'm picking her up.
Apparently he was confused and thought I was on the trip. He then apologizes for continuing to mess up, not plan, etc.
I tell him its ok and that I've been trying not to micromanage him (as much) and I've pulled back on the "reminders" so as not to intrude, but I can provide more if he needs them. I've done this as he is newly married and I'm trying not to be all up in his biz.
His response?
"That would be helpful if you sent more reminders. I'm busy at work and its affecting me".
Not what I expected, but there's a reason that I do what I do. I know this man as I lived with him for over 10 years
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Comments
I know. He needs them. We
I know. He needs them. We have three children and there is always something going. My scaled down version of reminders is about two emails a week and many texts each day (depending of course, on what's going on that day).
Our arrangement is about 60/40 but I manage all activities for the kids, but he definitely gets the schedules, is on all the email lists, etc. I even send him calendar invites (though I'v stopped doing this as his DW now sends them to me from their joint google account). So I only send them for one-offs now like dr. appointments. I may just go back to sending them on everything and just let him delete what he doesn't need because hers don't seem to cover all events.
... I already have one DH that needs reminders. My DH actually works for my exH so he thinks its hillarious that I have to tell each of them what to do on what days regarding the children.
Your DH works for your
Your DH works for your EX-H??? Huh? :jawdrop:
Yes. I get along very well
Yes. I get along very well with the ex and they just happen to both be contractors.
So when Dh's work slowed down, I asked exH if he had any leads on work for DH. He gave him a few small jobs and ultimately, DH just went to work for exH. My little brother works for him also.
My parents, siblings, aunt, uncle cousin and me and DH all attended exH's wedding also.
It's all very modern family-esque.
I have to do that with my exh
I have to do that with my exh same as I did through our marriage as he can't remember more than 3 seconds ahead. The last year I've reeled that way back as my dd is old enough to tell him about her events, I still find myself reminding him day before and an hour before things she's told him and a week before and on for anything ds related. I found if I don't he doesn't show. Part of it is he doesn't se reminders or notes and the rest is without his gf and I he'd only see his kids on his weekends and never anything else. I really want to stop but it only hurts my kids.
Yes. If I don't remind him,
Yes. If I don't remind him, then my kids miss out.
I have sometimes gone to the school to pick up ss and will see that my kids are still there (they all stay in the after care program). So I'll say hi to them and make sure they know that Dad is on his way. Sometimes, it's 10 minutes before one of them have a ball game or practice or whatever, so I'll text exH to make sure he's coming and ask if he needs me to take them. Usually, he's just running late and he will decline any help.
I've told him over and over that if he needs help, to please ask as I'm MORE than happy to do things for my kids to ensure they're on time and make their commitments.
I agree that I need to stop
I agree that I need to stop doing this, but if I don't do it...then he forgets, puts it off, etc.
We recently had an issue where he had a family trip planned with his parents and the kids. The trip is scheduled partially on my time. I made plans for DD during this time and it ended up being an issue. BUT... he knew about his plans for several months and if he would have told me WAY back then, it wouldn't have been an issue at all because it would have just gone on the calendar and the conflicting plans that I made for DD wouldn't have even been an option.
My kids are ages 9, 10 and 12 and they are pretty good about keeping track of things, but they aren't the adults (and two of them have inherited his ADD).
Also, his wife has no
Also, his wife has no children of her own, so (even though she's been around for about 5 years) she really doesn't involve herself in the kids too much.
She recently stopped working and had only now just started attending the kids events or helping exH with drop offs, etc. But I anticipate it's go back to the way it was when she had a job.,
My husband, who was SS13's sole caretaker for most of his life, is always shocked when she is not at kid events or helping with rides, etc. but I just remind him that she doesn't have children and these aren't her kids. (my subtle way of reinforcing why I don't always go out of my way for SS13). She's definitely an extreme in her uninvolvment with the kids. I actually had one of the baseball moms (who is part of a group of friends I've had since I was a kid) ask who the "new girlfriend" was. She couldn't beleive it when I told her that was his wife and they've been living together for about 5 years.
I don't think you're
I don't think you're controlling. I think you're trying to manage your time.
DH was horrible about schedules and drove me nuts. I was on his ass constantly.....did you text Uberskank about x, did you text Uberskank about y? You have to tell Uberskank what's going on or she's not going to know! Dammit DH, you can't use your kid as a go between. Nut up and talk to your freaking exwife!
Uberskank would have to constantly text and call to get a straight story, because their kid sucked (and still sucks) at things like details (where, when, how, who).
I use a calendar system for
I use a calendar system for us. It has my DH and DD, and sometimes other family members added in and it sends auto text or email reminders and is really easy to manage. It is called Cozi. I also used my google calendar for a while and also had everyone set up with reminders. I think it is refreshing that you get on well with your ex.