Is it Wrong to Exclude SS13?
Every time I plan something for the family or just the kids, he ruins it. He throws an attitude, pouts, talks back - whatever.
Summer I will be home on maternity leave and will have my 3 kids home with me all day, every day and have scheduled a few activities for them and have bought them passes to the local amusement park.
I do not want to take SS anywhere. He is doing his first two week on/off between our house and BM's house. He is usually with us FT, so this will be a welcome respite!
I just don't want to take him, nor do I even want him here. I can probably send him to MIL's here and there or to his cousin's. But I know DH likes me to include SS in everything, just as DH includes my children (not that DH plans anything, but my kids are always part of the equation).
Just wondering. I've tried to include him the past two years, but he makes things miserable and unenjoyable.
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Can you plan them the weeks
Can you plan them the weeks he isn't there? Maybe do a couple of low key stuff weeks he is there then do the bigger stuff weeks he is gone. My ss15 is worse than my 11 year old bio. I plan all my really fun stuff after he leaves to go home in July. I don't like ever paying money out for a brat that really doesn't want to be around me anyway. He just does it to look good in front if his dad so if he acts out then I'm the bad guy ...
This will be a definite. I
This will be a definite. I hate paying out cash for him to do things and then have to deal with his poor attitude and ungreatfullness.
It seems like it would be
It seems like it would be better for everyone if, rather than excluding him, you could get to the bottom of why he's acting like that. I would bring him to something, and afterwards, when he acts all nasty I would sit him down and talk about what happened. I would approach the conversation from a very loving, maternal place. Kids want to be loved and wanted, no matter how nasty they seem. Say something like, "Ss, you seemed like you were in a bad mood when we went out the other day, what's up? I love you so much, everyone is really excited that you're here for the summer. Is there anything you want to talk about? (if he says yes-- then let him talk and respond with loving validation even if he's irrational or nasty by saying things like that must be hard for you, etc). If he says no or once he is done with complaining, say, "well I need you to come to me or your dad to talk rather than acting nasty or rude. when you act like that it impacts the whole family. IF you can't do that then you'll need to stay with MIL when we go to the amusement park next time."
-approach him with love
-invite him to share what's on his mind
-validate his feelings (lots of love, don't display negative emotions or dispute his feelings)
-explain that he has a choice to come with the family or not--- be kind, tell him you really want him to come and be a part of things. can he agree to act better next time and let you know if he needs to talk?
I understand this and this is
I understand this and this is frankly how I approached him from the start... however, he just has such a crummy attitude and he just brings everyone down: me, DH, my kids - everyone.
In my mind, we've been to the bottom of this over and over again. SS13 thinks his life was fine and dandy before his father and I fell in love. He had DH all to himself and did whatever he wanted. DH was too tired for discipline and BM was NOT in the picture. When BM saw that I was becoming a permanent fixture, she decides to show up and play MOTY. SS of course thougth that this meant BM and DH would be getting back together and all would be good.
Even though I have improved this boy's life greatly, offered him opportunities and experiences that he never had prior to my being part of his life, he still looks as me as the evil Step Mom who picks on him and has ruined his life. BM (in her now EOWe visitation) does what she can to encourage this scenario for SS - even though BM has no desire to be with DH as she left both DH and SS when SS13 was only 5 and was absent for 7 years.
If I tell SS "no", then I am mean. If I tell him no three times in a row because he asks me the same question three different ways, then I am picking on him.
I'm sure my attitude towards him has progressively declined. Our daily routine is "fine". He basically ignores me and goes to his room after school so that he can "work on HW" though he never gets it done anyway. He doesn't say thanks or good bye when I drop him off at school in the morning, even when I am only taking him and my bios are with their dad.
He resents me because he thinks that DH is on my side and chooses me over him. DH agrees that SS is out of line and will enforce what I say and SS doesn't like it. DH understands that he made mistakes with SS and he appreciates my help and input and being a family.
I would tell him up front...
I would tell him up front... If he wants to go to the fun places this summer while you can take them all he better have an attitude adjustment otherwise the only person he can blame for a miserable time is himself. His attitude is very childish and he really needs to stop the silly behaviour. There is not enough time in the day to put up with his attitude and if he wants to be included in the fun stuff he ha better rethink things. Then tell him he has 24 hrs to re=evaluate himself and make changes otherwise he will not be included in any fun stuff because if he cannot control his behaviour he cannot be trusted to behave in public.
This give the power to him to change his ways. He also has been forewarned that he WILL be left out. Very pregnant women do not have to deal with snotty teens. So he cannot give the comeback "No one TOLD me!" Yes, he was told and he CHOSE to behave the same.
This sounds like something
This sounds like something that I will probably do. Since it will be me and the kids all summer, (except when SS is with BM), then he needs to understand that I mean business.
I can speak with him at the beginning of summer regarding my expectations and that if he is not up for acting appropriately, then he will stay home.
My kids learned very early that I mean business. Whether it was telling them that if they act out at the park, then we will pack up and go home or leaving the grocery store when they were toddlers having fits because they wanted a candy. They learned really quickly that poor behaviour was not tolerated and that they would lose out on things when they misbehaved.
I can see that there may be a day where I take the kids to the amusement park, let SS know that poor behavior won't be accepted and have to pack him up early and take him the hour ride home. Then I'll return the next day with my children only.
We actually discussed going
We actually discussed going to an indoor water park today. I had to remind DH that last time we went there, SS threw a fit also.
Want to know why? Because SS didn't want to take his shirt off.
So he pouted for a while in a chair while we all played. Then a little while later he decided to go in with his shirt on.
Drama Queen much?
Nothing is fun when he's around. He's either pouting about something or trying to get Dad's undivided attention: can i have a hug, do you love me, can you put your arm around me - he's 13 for god's sake.
This is what I've been doing
This is what I've been doing lately. And though my kids would NEVER even think of pulling the crap that SS does (and they are all actually horrified and bothered by his crappy behavior), it still took me a while to see that this kid was getting a pass because "that's just how he is".
No. That ended really quickly.
I let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is NOT ok. I am much more clear and to the point than his father is as his father will engage with SS's attempt to argue in an effort to get more attention.