Hello
Hi - I have been accessing this site daily for about 1yr now maybe longer but never posted. I am a stepmom to a 7yr boy no bio kids. My H and I have been together for 5 years and married for 8mths. We have great relationship as do I with SS. Finally decided to post as we are about to go through some rough times(more so than normal) with BM as we are going back to court to seek custody modification to get week on and week off with SS. Currently we only have 1 night a week, every other weekend, and holidays etc are split. My SS is the one who will suffer the most due to his CRAZY BM. As Georgia put it in a repsonse to a post a while back and as I have always thought my H's ex has more hate for him than she does love for their son. So I am gonna be needing advice on how to handle how my SS is so good for us and sooo loving to me and his dad but goes to moms and says he hates us and only comes to see us cause we would whip him if not. It is hard to remember he is just 7 and if I am 31 one and am baffeled at his BM I can only imagine how he feels. I know she makes him feel bad for leaving her and does not allow him to talk about us at her house. So needless to say she is fit to be tied about going back to court. Right now she just thinks it is due to child support but she should be getting the papers with all the reasons we feel we should have shared time so she will really blow then. Anyways I am glad that I have finally posted and feel like I know most of you due to keeping up with your blogs. Talk to ya'll more soon...FOR SURE. Oh and give me time to get all the abbrevs. down
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We have some of the same problems.
My SS has gone through the same thing. He and I have a great relationship, and we always have a great time when he's here. He begs us not to take him home. But then, for some reason when he goes home, all he would tell BM would be things that would fuel her fire or make her think horrible things about us. According to her, he'd tell her that he didn't want to come on visitation and they'd have to drag him to make him go, or that he only goes because he's afraid that BF would whip him if he didn't (sound familiar?). He's told her about horrible things that we've done to him (which we never did) or forced him to do. He would tell her that we would say nasty things about her and ridicule her in front of him. Probably a lot of the same things you've heard BM say that your SS says.
I have yet to figure out if this is all actually coming from SS or if a lot of it is made up or embellished by the BM. We all had a meeting (BM, BF, SS and I) and talked about some of the inconsistencies as well as some behavioral problems that had come up in SS that BM couldn't handle. We'd been telling BM for years that the things she heard from SS weren't true or were grossly exaggerated, but of course as she loves SS and hates us, she naturally never believed us. It wasn't until we all sat down and hashed it out with SS present that the truth came to light. That way, he couldn't make things up, instead he was left speechless for excuses as to why he was telling BM things about us that weren't true. Now, BM is much more likely to believe us about things and less likely to believe everything SS says. I also believe that SS was acting out to BM because he felt oppressed by her and in a middle-man position where she wanted him to report everything that happened with us to her. I think he felt that the only thing she really cared about was the information he could give her about us, so he began lashing out at her. When my SS was your SS's age, he was more well behaved toward BM but as he got older the behavioral problems began to surface (again, only when he was with her). We've seen firsthand how his mood and demeanor take a complete turn for the worse any time he is around her or even so much as has to speak to her on the phone - even when he was 6 and 7 years old. I think that your SS may be going through a lot of the same things and feeling a lot of the same feelings that my SS was and is. I know it's hard to not take the things that SS says to BM about you guys personally, but try to remember that he feels like he's stuck in the middle of a very tense situation and is only trying to make his mother happy in a way which she is reinforcing to him will get a response out of her - by telling her what he thinks she wants to hear. He believes that if he tells her he doesn't want to go visit you, that will show her how much he loves her and will not abandon her.
After we had our pow-wow, things had gotten a little better for a while, and the lines of communication were more open which definitely helped in parenting SS. But, we're also going through what you are with an upcoming custody battle so I know that things will only get exponentially worse.
The best advice I can give you is to keep coming here and posting! We are all here for each other and we're here for you too Good luck and keep us posted!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Welcome!
I'm sure you're in for some rough sailing ahead, but you'll find lots of support here. You're right... if we can't understand it, how can we expect small children to understand it?
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)