Think I will do the disengaging thing.
The more I read on this site the better I see my situation. I feel that I am at a crossroads right now which led me to find this site. I know that I want to at least give all options a try before I call my marriage quits so I am going to try disengagement. I have to do something to lessen my stress or I will go crazy. Breaking this to my husband is a whole other story. I am open to all suggestions that could help make this better. I can only do so much since I am stuck with having to take care of the skids.
This is my plans so far:
1. Make it clear that we are only to discipline our own bios.
2. No more scheduling of skids appointments. Bm can schedule them herself and for the weeks she has them.
3. Make a new chore schedule and let all kids bio and skids, know that they are expected to do them without being repeatedly asked to do so. If they have to be asked more then once they will begin loosing privileges.
4. Make myself convientely unavailable if dh decides he is needing me to do something with the skids. No more taking them to doc appt etc.
5. Get Counciling elsewhere for my daughter so I can't distance myself from the skids Counciling.
6. Remind myself that I am not my skids bm and that if dh and bm don't want to do right by their kids, it's not my fault if they grow up to be problemed adults, its their fault.
My main concern right now though is how do I handle discipline issues when dh isn't here? I can't just let the kids run over me but I also don't want to be in that role anymore.
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Yes on both. His job is a 45
Yes on both. His job is a 45 minute drive and he don't get home till around 7-8 in the evenings.
He is a meat cutter so
He is a meat cutter so doesn't have the time to read texts during the day. So really no contact during the day cept when he's on lunch.
Can't call him. So his part
Can't call him. So his part has to wait till he gets home.
He's oblivious to everything
He's oblivious to everything and laying down the law about anything consists of him basically patting their leg and saying "let's please not do that honey." So no he doesn't have any authority over them.
It is not an option with his
It is not an option with his job. As I have said before he is a meat cutter. That means he is handling large pieces of meant and saws all day. Distractions aren't an option. He already almost lost a finger in January of this year and I don't want to get another call saying he is in the ER again. Especially if it's because of being distracted from me texting or calling him frequently.
The solution has to be something that will not include distracting my husband at work.
I have a couple of
I have a couple of suggestions.
You're basically a babysitter during the day. The kids need to know what the house rules are and what are the perks and consequences of following/not following them. Is this someting that you can discuss with DH and will he support and enforce the house rules?
Get some counseling for yourself too and I'm not suggesting that you are the problem - not that at all. I just think you need support and guidance if you are to get through this with your marriage intact.
Keep blogging here to let us know how it's going and to let off steam. You can vent here - that is what this site is for.
He won't enforce anything and
He won't enforce anything and that's part of the problem. No matter what the situation is I'm the bad person. They know what their chores are but they will not do them without being told. Like with my ss, I want to slap my hd every time I see him do this. When it comes to telling him to take out the trash, he does it like it was a new thought. "hey son can you take out the trash for me?"
I'm thinking that maybe a way to turn it around could be to sit them down and explain that they have the list of chores they are to do daily. If they have to be told once they loose a privilege. If told twice loose a second privilege etc. With sd the privilege would have to be cell. We are the ones paying for it so bm can't gripe and I think it's the only thing that will get her attention because she is texting her mom on it all day. She doesn't text friends or anyone else. Everything else she would be fine loosing because she literally could sit in an empty room with no windows for hours in the same spot and be happy. Not your normal 14 yr old.
Yes, I see your point
Yes, I see your point Stepinsanity
I think your sit down idea is a good one. I would just add 1 suggestion and that would be to give them a reward of some sort for completing all their chores. Also, from my childhood: my mother would add chores if we didn't complete our chores on time. "Didn't make your bed, Glynne? Well now you can make your bed and my bed." It really sucked but I make my bed every morning now. Thanks Mom.
Don't know if this will work for you - just some thoughts.
I never told my husband or
I never told my husband or the SKIDS that I was *disengaging*... I just did. For one thing, I was pretty sure he didn't know what it meant (and I didn't know exactly how to employ it-- I had to grow with it.) So the the other reason was that I didn't want him reminding me when I failed.
I called it setting boundaries. I did let DH discipline my bios. For one thing it was easier to discuss inconsistent parenting and demonstrated that I DO want partnership.
As for being alone with the kids --act like the babysitter.
And I second getting therapy for yourself. Mine helped me with relaxing, disengaging,and setting boundaries. After awhile DH came to a few sessions. He thought it beneficial so he & SD went in to therapy too.
I've considered doing it
I've considered doing it without actually telling him what I'm doing. But like explain to him in a way that makes it appear that I'm needing the changes because of my new job instead of disengaging. I'm not even going to consider adding chores lol. I would definately be considered the evil step mom then. Though if it was just dealing with bios I love the idea.
I did just do something that I was just saying on this post I wouldn't do but I was furious! I ran to the store, literally wasn't gone but 5 minutes because it was a drive thru. I get home to find that one of the skids decided to use half of the brand new shampoo bottle to make soap suds to put EVERYWHERE in the bathroom! There is suds on the walls ceiling door you name it and it's got suds. Of course I went and asked them who was just in the bathroom and ss14 admitted she was but she acted like she had no clue about the suds. So I went and grabbed my cell, snapped a picture then texted it to my dh with the message that one of his kids just did this.
I can't believe actually expects me to believe she didn't do it. She admitted she was just in there. There was no time for anyone else to go in and do that. I guess the suds fairies came to see if they could get someone in trouble today.
I didn't tell DH either. I
I didn't tell DH either. I just did it. However, his kid's counselor noticed I had distanced myself and made a comment to me. I told her DH's kid is no longer my concern or my problem. I've been told over and over by DH's kid and his ex, I'm not her mother. Fine, never thought I was but okay. And I was told that I have no business referring to myself as her step-"mother" since I have no children of my own I was not motherly enough. Fine again.
This really upset the counselor, who felt I was the only mature and sane female role model for this kid. However, after all of the abuse I endured from DH's kid and his ex and his guilt parenting, I either needed to disengage or leave my husband.
Disengaging is tricky. It can be incredibly freeing, but there are still those moments when I have to bite my tongue to keep from butting into certain situations. I wish you all of the best.
I'm working it out in my head
I'm working it out in my head how I'm going to explain why I'm doing different things. The counciling will be the trickiest since I'm the one who initiated it for the skids. Maybe I can just explain that my bio has different issues she needs counciling for so it would benefit them all if hers was seperate. That way my daughter could also go more then just everyother week since we won't goto the sessions the bm attends.
I think you're on the right
I think you're on the right track for your bio. There is the issue of trust and privacy when you're revealing your feelings to a counselor. Your daughter may benefit more from going to her own doctor. Not that the counselor would violate the trust, but it may give her more peace of mind and allow her to share her feelings if she knows it's not going to "get back to anyone."
I had counseling as a kid, and I worried for the first few appointments the Dr. would tell my sisters and parents how I really felt about what was going on in our house. It took me a while to trust her.
I really wish you all the best with this. Most of our situations are difficult at best and I'm glad we have a place where we can bounce ideas off of people who have been in our shoes!
I have thought about
I have thought about Counciling for myself. Though I know it will definately help me through this, though I doubt my dh would ever consider it, it could also be something to conveniently get me out of the house when skids are here.
I started attending Alanon on
I started attending Alanon on the advice of my counselor to help me disengage - I am a sober alcoholic. So I told my DH that the counselor requested me to attend Alanon in order to understand my role in the family dynamics. My DH had attended Alanon during my recovery so he knew what I was getting at. He was defensive at first but began to understand my need for the support. I still go on an "as needed" basis. It's free therapy and not just for alcoholic families and there are lots of women only group.
Initially DH would try to engage me during my disengagment - he learned quickly that I was determined and he now gets it - to a point. I know that he at times feels isolated with he and his daughter's problems. But I believe disengagement saved my marriage and my sanity.
I hadn't ever thought about
I hadn't ever thought about those type of groups but not sure how well it would work for me since I'm not one to open up to strangers often. On this site it's different. Yes I'm discussing my problems with strangers but I'm not having to be face to face with everyone when I'm doing it. Talking in front of groups has always been an anxiety for me. Was also the course I hated and dreaded the most in college.
Understand your point Just
Understand your point
Just thought that I would share what works for me. This stepparenting is tough.
Sorry it's taken me so long
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply back.
Some examples of things that I feel can't wait to disipline on would be like when ss is picking on or hurting one of my dogs or the cat. He also likes to hit for no reason and completely unprovoked. The sd likes to do things to get my daughter in trouble. And just complete rudeness from both of them. You can watch them and quickly see how they feel about my bio. The ss is antisocial and the sd is starting to be just like her bm and from a post on here, narsistic personality disorder fits bm perfectly and she admits to being bipolar.
If you can't bring yourself
If you can't bring yourself to totally disengage, you can try something else. In my situation lying is my pet peeve, so that is very hard for me to disengage. Tattling to DH was pointless because he would talk with SD one-on-one and take her watered-down version. So with both of them in the room, I would engage in light hearted banter that would set the table for her to lie, and them say Oh, I thought this is what you did, or what you were going to do. DH would say IS IT? It was so spontaneous she didn't have time to work on her story. Or, another approach is to keep the conversation going by asking friendly questions that really are meant to reveal her motive... it always does. She may be a liar... just not a very good one.
I wish things like that would
I wish things like that would work with my steps but I truly have never seen an 11 yr old and 14 yr old that are a's quite and withdrawn as these two. I've been so tempted with sd14 to pull her to the side and inform her that I know of her little game and it's time for the shit to stop or she will get to learn what I real evil stepmom is like. I'm too nice for that so that won't ever happen. I myself did have a few of the evil step parents so I couldn't do that to someone else. Mine liked to beat on me or make me their personal maid. I think that is what scared me the most about becoming a step myself because of my own experiences with them.