I just don't get DH sometimes...
We didn't have the kids this weekend. BM had a family funtion and decided to keep them the entire weekend.
DH and I talked about the kids over the weekend. Not necessarily about misssing them but when they came to mind when we were doing something that remninded us about them.
Anyway, I just don't get why DH doesn't seem to care to contact them - either during the week or when they don't come for their weekend. I understand that calling or emailing or texting may not get any response from them or may not get any kind of enthusiatic response, but I just think that if I were the parent, I wouldn't just give up because the response won't be what I like.
I'm not their parent, and I miss them. I think about them. I want to call and email them but I can't because their mom would have a cow.
Why do I have to be the one to remind DH?
Why am I so mad when he doesn't seem to want to make the effort? Well, maybe I know why, I just can't bear to think that maybe he'd do the same to our kids i.e. not contact them when they're with me if ever we had to be separated.
Funny enough, he's gotten his ass on the phone and is talking to them now, put the kids on speaker mayeb so that I can hear because he knows I'm mad, but as soon as his ex comes on the phone he took the speaker off. How nice.
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"I can kind of understand
"I can kind of understand that contacting them during the CP's time might put undue pressure on the kids to feel obligated to communicate with the NCP, and it might even disrupt them."
Why shouldn't a kid feel obligated to communicate with an NCP? As I said the divorce decree explictly talks about daily phone contact (which has never happened). It is in the best interest of a child to be in regular contact with both parents. Why shouldn't an NCP feel obligated to communicate with his/her kid?
How disruptive can talking to an NCP for a few minutes each day be? If it were an intact family, this wouldn't be an issue at all! The other parent wouldn't be able to say "Don't talk to Johnny, he's eating his dinner/doing his HW/taking a shower etc!" That would be absurd. If the kid has a daily routine with CP, why can't a few minutes of chat with an NCP be part of that daily routine? Does talking to the CP throw off a kid's routine? Is a kid going to be soo negatively affected if a phone call comes unexpectedly and he has to learn how to deal with things that come up without notice and be able to get back to his routine?
Not arguing with you, ok... Just analyzing and thinking that I just don't understand those excuses.
With DH, he called almost
With DH, he called almost every other day for the first year after the divorce. BM NEVER answered the phone and let the answering machine answer it. The phone calls were never returned- he didn't know if the skids were getting the messages (SD was then 7 and SS was 1). He quit calling. Years later SD blasted him with the fact that he didn't care enough to call. And he stopped her in her tracks with the recount of calling and never getting a call back. She didn't know what to say. Now the habit is not formed for them to talk in between visits. SS will call or text and Dh will call or text him. He always stops to take a phone call. SD- I will usually text her about every two weeks.....and remind DH to do so about twice a week.
From a BM- CP point of view. My dd was 10 months old when I divorced her dad. Anytime she picked up the phone and started talking to dada, I called him so she could talk to him. Even if it was to say hi, or dadadada. When he moved out of state, we had a standing phone call time for them to talk once a week. When verizon started their verizon to verizon, ExH got a personal cell phone so they could talk anytime. I've seen the be on the internet shopping together- same site and them telling each other what to click on next to view. They have a remarkable relationship for him being 20 hours away for all of her life (ok, all but 2.5 years).
When DD is at her dad's I check in every other day....or daily now with texting. I never told her I missed her and anytime she started talking about being homesick, I would change the subject to find out what they were doing the next day, what new restaurant they found, if she got to go to work with her dad. I never wanted her to feel bad for having fun, liking it there or wanting to be with her dad.
I can see a custodial parent
I can see a custodial parent not calling their kids when they are at the NCP's place especially if it's only EOW. I can see both parents not calling if parenting time is close to 50/50. But it simply doesn't make sense to me that a parent with very little physical time with the kids wouldn't contact them regularly, in order to continue to be a part of their everyday lives. I think that as a kid, I would want it, it would make me feel that even though dad or mom dosen't live with me and see me everyday, they are concerned about me just as if I lived with them, it's a reassurance that they are always there.
DH's divorce decree actually mentions daily phone contact, and that if the kids miss the call the CP is to have them return it asap. It's NOT about butting into the other parent's time, it's about being a regular part of the kids' life. It was DH's weekend with the kids and BM kept them, certainly he has every right to be able to call them and say he hope they had a good weekend and have a great week at school this week... all things he would normally say to them on a Sunday night.
DH called SD's phone, why did BM even feel she HAD to come on the phone? He called to speak to the kids, not her. She already butt in on his weekend time, and now she has to butt in on his phone time.
DH has been making an effort to contact SD directly ever since she got her phone back, and she has responded positively by returing calls and emails etc. It's a breath of fresh air. SS is so controlled by his mom and sister that he won't initite contact with DH at all. He'd have to ask permission to borrow their phone, or ask permission to use the computer to send an email, and have to explain why etc. and he just won't because his mom might get angry... so until he has a phone, nothing's going to change there.
"If the kids want to call, that is different" I dunno... I think the kids would want to call, but might be scared or discouraged etc. These kids seem super-sensitive to the emotional stuff surrounding their parents, and they hate to hear them fighting, so they very rarely want to be the cause of any conflict. I think that what the kids would want more than anything is for their dad or mom to call them, certainly not excessively, but regularly, especially if they don't see them at all during the week, and for it to be ok with the other parent.
I guess it would be good to hear the kids' point of view on this... because I'm trying to put myself in their shoes, but my parents weren't divoreced, so all I can do is try to see how it might be...
I completely agree. We only
I completely agree. We only have the kids about 1/3 of the time and BM always calls or texts when they are with us which annoys the heck out of me. When they are with their mom, DH NEVER calls or texts the boys and they have their own cell phones. It seems like he never gets info from them, he always gets it from BM (via email usually). WTF? The kids are TEENAGERS!!! He needs to make more effort at having a good relationship with them!!
I don't think every day is
I don't think every day is necessary but I think it depends on the ages of the kids too. Teenagers don't want to talk to parents as it is, which makes it harder when there is a split family. But I think you have to try to have some sort of good relationship. Otherwise, when the kid goes off to college you probably won't ever hear from them. Of course, in my case, that would give DH a reason to contact Bm then...GAG...
If a kid is under 10, I don't
If a kid is under 10, I don't see why NOT everyday. How else does a NCP be a regular part of the kid's life?
Ok, older kids may not want to everyday, and in intact households, teenagers get away with not saying a word to both parents some days. Plus by that time, there's text,email and FB, other ways of being in touch that they use more.
Just an example, I don't live in the same country as my parents anymore. Our baby is their first grandchild. My mom would Skype me everyday if possible, even just for a few minutes, to be able to speak to and see her grandchild, who can barely say a proper word yet. But my mom wants to develop and maintain a relationship with baby, she makes the effort. My dad, not so much effort, but if he is around while my mom is calling, she puts him on the video too. My mom interupts my routine many times, but we both make the effort so that my parents can get to somewhat be a part of my child's life. This kid is going to grow up having to stop HW or talk while eating dinner to grandma and grandpa if they call. Why? Because, although she might see them only once for the year, they are important people in her life.
A grandparent is important, but a parent, even more so. The parents divorced. The parents didn't divorce their kids. So while the parents don't need to talk to each other everyday, they no longer love each other etc, surely it's not the same for the kids.