Just a Vent
Being a stepmom is a thankless job. You're like a glorified babysitter but without the pay, while the actual mom pretty much gets paid to take care of her own kids. You get to cook and clean and wash and help with homework. You have to give love freely while expecting none in return. You have to treat them as if they were your own kids but you can't actually dress/feed/discipline/etc. them as if they were your own. You don't get a weekend off, while the actual mom gets every weekend off. You have to associate with a person you'd never ever actually associate with if you had a choice, who deals with your husband in a way that he'd never put up with with you. Yup, that sums it up actually, there are so many things about being a stepmom where you don't have a choice, and you don't have a voice (i.e. a say in whatever is decided). And when you've given more that you get (which inevitably happens because it is expected that you give give give) and you reach the breaking point of "Not my kid, not my problem", well, you've then stepped over to the world of evil stepmomhood. How could you even say such a thing? You're the adult, you're supposed to be the bigger person, you're supposed to give til you're left without your own soul. Heck, it's not like you didn't know he had kids, you knew what you were getting yourself into........... well... you were supposed to firetrucking know.
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Please don't take this the
Please don't take this the wrong way because it isn't meant to be insulting, but we do have a choice. We can say NO. Yes, we may get slack for it, but really who are these men that think they and their children are so special that we have to take on the role as THEY define it to feel good about ourselves. Love and respect is a TWO way street and if the dh/bf/so in the relationship can't understand your need for appreciation, happiness, and respect than you have a choice to say "Bye, I hope you as their father likes cooking, cleaning, doing homework, transporting and being treated like crap ALL BY YOURSELF". Is it a risk? YEP, but what do you lose? A dh who thinks it is okay that you be treated badly by kids, bm and disrespected by dh and you gain your life back OR he actually figures it out and steps up.
Here is what I do for Creature. I get her off the bus if dh isn't here. I cook dinner (only because I cook for dh and I). That's it. I do nothing else for her unless I CHOOSE to do it. Does it make dh's life a little harder. Yep, but he chose to have that child with that Wingnut and she is HIS responsibility. I don't have to babysit her. I don't have to take care of her and I don't have to dole out hugs and love. I simply have to respect her and her relationship with her father. DH accepts no bad behavior from Wingnut. He puts her in her place if she oversteps into our lives. I am first in our relationship.
Telling someone they are supposed to "be the bigger person" is a cop out for being a parent.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
No offense taken at all. I
No offense taken at all. I know that I'm choosing to stay because we just had a baby and I'm currently not working. In the future I might be in a stronger position to take that stance, but not now. Despite everything though, there have been small steps toward improvement which gives me hope for the future. But some things just seem not to happen fast enough, KWIM? And the resentment builds...
"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could
I know exactly what you
I know exactly what you mean. I don't think the answer should always be to leave anyway, especially when there are more children involved. I just mean, sometimes it is ok to stick up for yourself EVEN IF it will upset the applecart. No one is concerned about upsetting the sm and yet we don't want to upset bm or dh or mil or skids.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
love this,thanks.
love this,thanks.
I agree w/both...you don't
I agree w/both...you don't have to do it all, at the same time, when you don't, not always your husband, but usually family member and others treat you like garbage because they are not in your situation and feel that it's your job to suck it up...it is a thankless job and one that most people that criticize it wouldn't be caught dead doing it...I gave up years ago...they can call me selfish, they can call me whatever they heck they want, at the end of the day, nobody that criticized me would've put up w/as much as I did...so too bad...
Do I feel sorry for his daughter, yes I do...but you know, it wasn't ME who got her in this situation...it was the decision of two selfish people at the time who thought more of themselves than of the well being of their child...so don't blame me...period. Somehow these people who divorce and have kids are ENTITLED to hapiness, but the step-mom is NOT? She is supposed to sacrifice herself for her skids, but the real mom didn't? No, she didn't...she thought of HER happiness, not of that of her kids...sorry, I know I'll get slack for this but I am tired of BMs thinking that they have a right to happiness by divorcing their kid's father, but we as smoms do not have a right to happiness, we have a right to undo the damage they did or a right to sacrifice ourselves for their kids when they didn't do it themselves...
I agree with you fully. I'm
I agree with you fully. I'm sick of guilty Daddies who were left by BM not given a choice. I'm sick of entitlement, that because they were hurt everyone sahould be a crutch and we shouldn't make them become stronger people who can climb mountains and maneuver obstacles. I hate knowing I'm the one who does the things a Mom does to know I will never be called Mom. I'm just the bad guy, and the good girl... leading to somehow always being the cheap hussy younger prettier girl he chose, or the evil v2.0 wife. It sucks.
Yup... sooo many people
Yup... sooo many people INCLUDING the DHs believe SMs just have to suck it up. My DH basically told me this one day after an argument: "Why can't I be more like Julia Robert's character in Stepmom the Movie? That was such a good movie." I swear, I could have strangled him... I told him that it can't happen because I'm no saint, and his ExW isn't dying.
"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could
Katrinkie, it was and IS a
Katrinkie, it was and IS a great story!
It's my personal motto these days.
"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could
I think you just summed up
I think you just summed up everything I have ever felt. I don't think you ever really know what you are getting into, into you're already too far into the relationship, but at least we're not alone!