Feeling guilty
I have worked hard in a short time to accept my feelings- my FH and I never had a hard time until we got engaged 4 months ago. We dated, lived apart, I spent time with the SS10 and it was good until we got engaged and I moved into their place.
I have since read a lot and understand many of the patterns, etc. that we are fitting into.
FH and I are in therapy, which makes me happy. But each day together when my SS10 is here (50% of the time) feels hard on/off. I sometimes brace myself, I often feel so alone, sometimes resentment, etc. My SS10 is largely good. I feel guilty I don't "love" him. I like him- we have fun together. But I don't know that I love him.
This makes me feel so guilty. I want to.
I just don't know that I do.
Do you feel this way?
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You don't need to love your
You don't need to love your stepkids---its completely normal not to.
Love can be applied loosely...ie...I love my SD as a little person. She's very sweet and smart and full of rambuntous energy. She says she loves you after knowing you for only a minute--But I don't put her in the same catagory of love I have for my children. My DH is the same way.
IMO, dating someone with an
IMO, dating someone with an Ex and children before living together is like standing outside of a house peeping in the window. You can see what takes place with your own eyes, but you're not fully aware of the dynamics of the situation until you step IN it (move in).
Things aren't always what they appear from a distance. Take for an example an abstract painting, taking a glance at it, or even staring at it from a distance it takes on one meaning....step a little closer, focus a little harder, and you can see something totally different. It can also take on new shapes and meanings, and no one person will see the exact same thing.
What I'm trying to say is, step outside your perception of what a 'family' is supposed to feel like, or even function like. Because 9 x's out of 10, it won't match up to your idea. A blended family is in a category all it's own.
As for your SS, I agree with StepChicka. Throw your ideas out of how you think you're supposed to feel for SS, and just embrace what you do feel for him. Love is defined on many different levels, not just one.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Read Stepmonster! I just
Read Stepmonster! I just read the chapter regarding this exact problem.
Also, it takes a lot of time for everyone to settle into a situation... that was a big point of interest for me, I just expected it to be how it was supposed to after a few weeks. It took years to get to a point where we are all comfortable with the situation and our rolls in the household.
Good luck to you, I know what you are feeling! Its very hard for a while but eventually it does get better.
Thank you, everyone! I
Thank you, everyone! I appreciate your validation, thoughts, and support.
It sometimes is so hard! How is it so hard? Are non-blended families so hard? I sometimes wonder....and then I feel guilty again. Especially so when I think of SS and the difficulties in life he has, moving between two homes so much and finding a place in two very different families.
And where are the guidelines for what a blended family is supposed to be? I am sure they don't exist but thought I'd ask. And what about this? Women who are pregnant get the celebration and love from a baby shower. When you become a step mom you get just about nothing. Except stress, guilt, and loneliness. At least that's what I feel a lot of the time.
OMG I'm telling you you will
OMG I'm telling you you will love the Stepmonster book. She talks about every single issue you just brought up. Seriously, it will help you!
Absolutely. Read
Absolutely. Read Stepmonster, and then make your fiancé read all the sections you bookmark for him.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved