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Fiance's use of a big chunk of money... am I right to be annoyed?

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 4:32pm

Okay...I'm a little big peeved and need you all to tell me if I'm being ridiculous?

Our wedding is planned for next September. We both spoke to our parents and both sides plan to help us with a total of about $4,000 each. We were both really pumped about that because it was more than we were expecting.

Fiance told me today that he used the $4,000 to pay off the rest of his lawyer fees from when he took BM to court for child custody. This is really upsetting me...because even though I know it's a debt that DF had and is good that he is getting rid of it, he didn't consult me about it and he could have just continued making payments to his lawyer, so that we could use that money throughout the next year. We have to put down payments on things like the photographer, videographer, DJ, etc...he just doesn't seem to understand how much our wedding is going to cost. PLUS, it's totally a joint decision to have this bigger wedding. He actually insisted on a bigger venue and wants to invite almost everyone he knows.

I'm not like RAGING mad about it but it definitely irks me...or should I just be happy he got rid of that debt? There's part of me that feels like all that money went towards the BM (even though I know in reality it did not) and want it to go towards US. *sigh*

Comments

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 4:40pm

I don't think I can entirely let him plan the wedding...but I am going to start delegating things for him, for sure! If he's dealing with the prices on things and trying to determine costs and budget with me he'll definitely be more involved and have a better handle on what we're going to need to accomplish it all.

And to answer your question, his parents said they'd give him $4,000. Later in the week he mentioned to his dad how he still has the lawyer to pay off, and his dad said that he could give him the money now (instead of later in the year) if he wanted to use it for that instead. Two men making money decisions without consulting their wives! Smile Ahhhh men!

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 5:46pm

If you read the original post - she did not say she wanted a bigger venue she said he DH did - she also stated that the bigger wedding was a joint decision - so how do you get bridezilla out of that - if anything it would be groomzilla - and nowadays weddings cost a lot more than $8000.00 - I am not saying that I agree with big weddings but if thats what they want then they should do it. I had a small wedding with DH - we inivited 45 people mostly family and it still cost over $6,000.00 and that was me watching every penny but it was upscale and I am glad we did it.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 5:04pm

SInce he wanted the bigger wedding and you did not - then let him worry about coming up with the money for it or it will go back to the way you wanted it originally.

klynn's picture

Submitted by klynn on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 5:13pm

I would be upset that he didn't consult with me. I would have wanted him to tell me that's what he wanted to do and ask my opinion. I was married for 18 years and I would have been very upset if my husband had spent $4000 that was meant for "us" on something else without at least letting me know his thoughts and asking for mine. Just my opinion, take it for what it's worth. Smile

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 5:18pm

i would be MAD MAD MAD..... and would be asking fdh how he plans on coming up with the $4000 replacement dollars.

maybe start socking those monthly payments he should be making to the attorney to the side for the wedding for starters.

buttercookie's picture

Submitted by buttercookie on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 5:19pm

I think he should have discussed it with you first, but I don't think it was bad to pay off a debt. He needs to communicate with you a little better if you two are getting married. Marriage is a partnership IMO and no one person should spend that type of money without letting the other know first.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 5:25pm

****ALARM BELLS******* He used joint resources that were a gift from both of your families for use on the wedding to pay off HIS debt without consulting you first??? :?

This does not pass the smell test of long term relationship viablility IMHO.

Be vewy, vewy careful! (As Elmer Fudd would recommend).

Good luck and best regards,

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 09/30/2010 - 10:12am

No honestly I'm the type of person who rarely gets steaming mad because I see both sides of (almost) every situation...I can see why he wanted to pay of the debt but of course I also see why I'm ticked off I wasn't included in the decision.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 09/30/2010 - 10:13am

Thank you for a real solution/idea! I will definitely talk to DF about this idea.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 09/30/2010 - 10:21am

Okay first of all thank you for all the responses. DF and I are going to sit down and look at all the wedding stuff so that we both can see "together" where we can spend and what everything will cost. We both want a "big" wedding because we have huge families and really want to be able to share the day with our whole family -- we both know it's going to be a great memory (not that a small wedding wouldn't be, it's just that our families are a lot of fun and we can't wait to get them all together!). I think this will help DF to understand why I was upset that he spent the 4K on something else before consulting me. For example, a few weeks ago I told him we're going to have to go with a cheaper favor as we are spending more money on the venue/food (his choice of venue, all the rest weren't big enough in his opinion). He really wants to do a photo both, which is double the cost of the cheaper favor I had in mind. Yes, photo booth would be fun for our guests, but it's somewhere we can cut costs....anyway, he is still really set on the photo booth. So looking at the costs of EVERYTHING will definitely help him to see the big picture.

I know some of you are concerned that he didn't consult me, and I know you will think I'm being naive, but I truly don't think he was "trying" to keep me out of the decision, he just saw a way to get rid of that chunk of debt that's been haunting him. This is why I see the other side of the coin...I'm sure every time he gets the lawyer bill it pisses him off that he is still paying for something that didn't do anything (he actually ended up in a worse position after the lawyer than before as far as child support goes...she sucked). So....I'm glad that he got rid of his debt and will use this as an opportunity to discuss how we are going to handle our finances in the future.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 09/30/2010 - 10:24am

Although I would prefer to use that kind of money on paying off debt rather than financing an extravagant wedding, your fiance did this WITHOUT consulting you.

BIG RED FLAG

He wanted a bigger wedding. He cannot have his (wedding) cake and eat it too. I think you get to make the unilateral decision to scale the wedding back, now! J/K - kind of...