"SD"6's biodad....an update from us attempting to contact him.
For those that follow my backstory, I just realized that I never blogged about this, mostly because it's an unfinished story. A month or so ago I blogged that we were contacting SD6's biological father via Facebook, mostly to open up communication with him.
BM has told us that in the past year, he has asked her to have SD6 on the nights we take her, but she refuses to give that to him. He has threatened to take her to court because of it.
Our point in reaching out to biodad is because he seems to have changed his tune. The first 2 years of SD's life he wasn't really involved, which is why my FDH became "Daddy" to her. But then he started taking her one weekend a month, then that changed to every other weekend...and like I said, he's asked for MORE time with her. Biodad and his mom have been very clear with BM and also SD6 (which is totally PA) that they don't like that she comes to our house still. So anyway, the whole jist of getting in touch with him and his girlfriend was to open up communication between us and to try to work together. Especially since we moved to EOW with her, which means we'r enow taking her more often than we used to...it's just that biodad should really have been given that opportunity to have SD6 more often rather than us.
In the message to biodad, I said "Hi Biodad. FDH and I would like to speak to you about a few things regarding SD6. If you could give us your number, we'd like to get in touch with you. Thanks!"
Waited a week and nothing. But we're not sure he even checks his Facebook, so we had no idea if he'd seen the message. So we decided to message his girlfriend, who biodad now lives with. This is the much longer message to her:
"I know we have never met but I wanted to extend some communication with you and biodad, for SD6's sake. Last week I messaged biodad to see if he would be willing to share his # with us, and I haven’t received a response from him. This is why I am contacting you.
I want you to know that SD6 speaks about you often in a very positive light -- she really enjoys her time with you. We are so glad that it sounds like you and biodad have a stable relationship for SD6 to see and model off of in her future. We want what is best for SD6 and right now, with all of us unable to communicate, we are NOT doing what is best for her.
When we have concerns about anything (schedule conflicts, school stuff, activities, etc) we shouldn’t need to rely on a go-between person (BM) if we can all be mature adults and communicate. For example, a few weeks ago Biodad's mom was dropping SD6 off at our house but we had no idea what the plan was, I had errands to run after picking up the kids from daycare, and Biodad's mom ended up waiting with SD6 for a half hour because no one was home and she didn't have my number. It just doesn't make much sense to continue on for the years ahead of us like this.
The fact of the matter is that we are ALL raising SD6 in some way, and the best way to raise her is to show her that we can all work together and communicate. Even if/when things change and we don't continue to take her anymore regularly, we'll still be in her life. I just wanted you and Biodad to know that we want to be able to work together with you.
I would really appreciate if you would write me back on here or via email, to let me know your thoughts. In a perfect world, it would be great if the four of us could sit down sometime. SD6 is a wonderful little person and we all love her. We do have some specific things to talk to biodad about and would really appreciate a phone call or a response from either of you. Thanks!"
- SteppingUp's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I agree with you completely.
I agree with you completely. The reason we contacted girlfriend wasn't so mcuh to get HER involved explicity, it was to get in contact with Biodad. Indeed, he does not check his Facebook. BM won't give us his phone number. She didn't list him as the biodad on daycare paperwork....so we had no way to get in touch with him other than that.
I wasn't questioning why SHE wasn't getting involved, i'm questioning why HE isn't.
Yes...I try to remember that
Yes...I try to remember that exact thing all the time -- that I cannot expect other people to do what I would do in a given situation. I have to step back sometimes and say that to myself. Thank you for reminding me.
Steppingup-I think as far as
Steppingup-I think as far as he's concerned HIS daughter is not really any of your guys bsns-he's pissed at the situation-rightfully so.
You said he was out of the picture mostly for a couple years-and has been improving. This whole situation just really sucks-I do not understand what motivates your H to keep this territorial shit w/SD...this is NOT in her best interest, YOU have to know that.
I think it's fair time that BOTH of you take her to court. YOU to ahve any visitation/responsibility for sd6 ceased-and to modify current visitation/custody of SS to 50/50 and the CS reduction that would imply. Keep all documented.
THen the bio-dad should be the one solely who has visits and is involved in SD's life. The more you guys try to 'communicate', have her at your home, act "parental' the less this man will want to participate which is sad, because he's not being given a chance to have a relationship w/sd by your dh and the bm. If I were him I would take BM to court to STOP all visitation w/you guys immediately (he's payign support)....and a cease/desist from you guys being parents in her life. How utterly confusing and sad it is that the adults here aren't realizing how damaging this will be down the line, and the confusion. Your dh really needs to step up and do the right thing-which is STEP OUT of this relatinoship and let her have one w/dad-w/out you guys interferring or asking him to "communicate with you". He doesn't have to, she's not your kid, it's his.
I hear you. It seems so easy
I hear you. It seems so easy when other people say it. It's so much more difficult being involved in the situation when you have a little girl in the middle of it all and she just doesn't understand it. Of course BM said it to me a few weeks ago "You need to respect the situation as it is." So that tells you her mentality about it.
Your reasoning is EXACTLY the reasons why we wanted to open up the communication to him....we kind of want him to know that we'll HELP him to get this "fixed"....whether that's more visitation with his daughter or paying less child support to BM or some other thing. But he's not biting so maybe he's not truly caring about it? One theory of mine is that his threats to BM were just a cover-up to kind of show his girlfriend what a good dad he is...but now he's sort of stopped because maybe they both realize it's way too difficult and their lives will be easier in the long run to deal with BM as little as possible (I don't blame him if that's the reason AT ALL).
And some of the others here mention that it's probably a tricky situation for his gf to be in too...having essentially two BMs to deal with (me being the other). I wish I could know her and know what SHE thinks of the whole thing...I think that's what is hard about this for me. I like to know people and how they act and think and I'm always very inquisitive about that all, so not knowing BioDad and his GF at all and never having had any communication with them makes me really curious.
Sorry, Stepping, but if I
Sorry, Stepping, but if I were biodad, it would be REALLY weird to get a message from the girlfriend/wife of my daughter's ex-stepdad. Too many degrees of separation there for me.
Yeah I considered that, but
Yeah I considered that, but the point was to get his phone number because we were unable to get it. In hindsight, yes the message should probably have been sent from FDH rather than me.