This may be long but bear with me! Last night my fiance unloaded a whole lot of his feelings on to me. We are very open and honest with each other and we have always discussed his relationship with the BM with me, so none of his feelings were things that caught me by surprise. What I was surprised about was the depth of his feelings. Maybe he was just having a "downer" night, but I am wondering if I should suggest some sort of counseling...

Here are his feelings: He feels completely trapped and depressed that he ever had a child with BM. He is looking at her and thinking about all of the things he could have (financially, emotionally, family-wise) if they never would have had a child together, if he would have just walked away when she had an abortion (he stayed because of SD 4 who was then 1 1/2...then she ended up getting pregnant again a few months later, resulting in SS2). Every time BM is an idiot, his heart breaks just a little more because this wasn't the life he pictured. He loves his son so much and it kills him to have to give him to someone he HATES half the week, and that he even has to deal with her anymore at all. He has been planning to start a business but is too afraid to take the leap because of the financial strain we are already under with paying child support and half of the kids costs. And the final one was what truly brought me to tears: he said he feels that he found the perfect person to share a life with (me!) and he is so mad that he thinks he won't be able to give him everything he wants to....a wedding, nice house, having our own children, and that "she" will always be in the picture, poking into our lives in a negative way.

Basically I tried to validate his concerns by telling him that I think his feelings are completely normal and natural. No one is EVER happy to pay money to someone they don't like, especially if they have no idea if the money is going towards the kids or if it is going towards BM's tanning and hair appointments. He and BM have been apart 1 1/2 years and we met shortly after. I said this is still generally new in terms of how long many people take to come to terms with divorce/separation of families. There have been a lot of new things that have come up (found out she cheated on him multiple times, more lies that have come up regarding the kids, etc), so because these things keep coming up, it's difficult for him to find any trust in her. This is the crux of the entire situation: he can't stand that he can't trust her, when she is one person he should be able to trust more than anyone since she is the mother of his child. It's hard for him also to understand that he will never "get" BM and she will most likely always make decisions we will not agree with.

My poor man is just kicking himself right now for ever being involved with her, even though he loves is son and step-daughter so much. He is a wonderful man and tells me all the time that he is so thankful for me in his life and that I am so understanding. I think he is just stuck in a place where stressors from many different areas are coming in...and he seems to be pointing most of his blame on BM, rather than focusing inward and trying to find ways to change.

Would a divorced dad's group or something like that be a good way for him to deal with some of his issues? He was never married to BM but I'm thinking maybe it would be relevant still. I don't know how to get him to go to one though...

Any thoughts on how to get him to come around and look at things a little differently? Does anyone think a "sit-down" with BM would help him out...maybe to air his trust concerns?