Vent about the continuing drama between my own mother and SM.
Awhile back I created quite a stir around here when I blogged about wanting my stepmother involved in my baby shower, and how my mom reacted to all of that (she did not want my SM to even attend it, but I was really saddened that my SM wasn't going to attend). To refresh on the background, my parents have been divorced for 11 years now and my mom would still take my dad back in a heartbeat. Dad is happily remarried to the woman he had an affair with -- my SM -- (although my parents were separated at the time), and all this happened when my sister and I were both over 17. We love my SM very much, she is a part of our family and has been for 10 years now. My sister and I recognise that my dad is much happier and they are much better suited for each other than my parents were together. Mom deals with depression and anxiety issues, along with never having moved on from their relationship.
Although I've expected this to happen about something regarding my wedding in September, I had no idea this would happen so soon in the planning. There's already drama coming from my mom, the BM. YES, I love her very much but I just wish she'd be able to put these things aside for one day.
I called all my bridesmaids and my fiance's mother to see if they wanted their hair done professionally on the wedding day. They all said yes. Okay, so I called fiance's stepmother and asked her, but also informed her that fiance's mom is getting hers done (didn't want it to be awkward for them, although their story is WAY different). Fiance's SM said she'd be fine to just do her own. I called my mom. She said she'd do her own also. So I felt like okay, I can ask my SM if she wants hers done now. I did the same thing -- informed her who IS getting the hair done, and thus letting her know that my mom is not, so she wouldn't feel awkward or overstepping. And my SM says she'd love to get hers done and is so excited and happy that I asked her!
Thought all was good...and then...
My mom called me later on and asked if I "invited" SM to get her hair done. I told her yes, I did, but only after she'd declined. My mom got upset that I asked SM! She said that even though she wasn't going to get her hair done she would have tagged along but now SM is going to "ruin" her daughter's wedding day because of this and she can't even go now for that part. Wow dramatic, much, Mom? It's not ruining MY wedding day, it's ruining YOUR day that happens to be the same day as my wedding day!! GRRRRRR!!
I didn't really know what to say. She made me feel like I was a traitor or something. I'm just going to deflect this onto my sister (who told me to do so) because that's what sisters/matrons of honor are for, right? I just wish my mom would realize what comes out of her mouth before she gets me all worried about how she's going to act on my wedding day -- and it's 9 months away -- which means 9 months of worry and anxiety about it.
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Comments
So sorry this is happening to
So sorry this is happening to you! One of my good friends from high school has a similar family situation and they still managed to keep it civil for the wedding day because it wasn't about them. And her dad had been cheating with the woman for almost the entire marriage. Her BM still managed to handle it with grace. Of course, there were some awkward moments along the way, but it all turned out well. I guess at this point you can just be thankful for your sister
Your mom is really being
Your mom is really being immature about this. I understand that it is hard for her, but you did nothing wrong. She declined your invitation. I am assuming she didn't mention anything about tagging along when you asked her if she was going to get her hair professionally done, so how is your SM ruining your day? It makes no sense. Not only that, but your mom can suck it up for ONE whole day. It isn't even an ordinary day-it is your wedding day. I think she is being extremely selfish and I hope that she can get these issues worked out soon so SHE doesn't ruin your day with HER drama.
It's behavior like this that
It's behavior like this that caused me to cease talking to my mother. I love her just won't take her baggage anymore. Good Luck to you and I hope your mother comes to her senses. If you figure out how to get her to let me know I could use it with my own mother
The one saving grace is that
The one saving grace is that my mom is not a drama queen, persay. She will be dramatic like this but she would never do anything in person or say anything or cause a scene. Instead she will probably sit on the verge of tears the whole day, half because of her daughter (me) getting married, and half because she's so heartbroken to see my dad with my SM... and it's exactly THAT second part that she won't keep away from me and my sister. She won't vent to her own friends and sisters, she'll put me and my sister in the middle of it so that we know how she feels, then we feel guilty about including SM in things. It just makes things awkward for us, but we try to continue on like nothing is wrong.
I talked to my sister last night and she was fired up about it. She has a much lower tolerance for my mom's stuff than I do, but yet she won't say as much to my mom either. However, she did say she'd try to bring it up with Mom and at least tell her not to talk about this crap with me, as I will have enough to worry about!
And just so you all know, when my sister got married 4 years ago, it was even more highly emotional for my mom because it was going to be her first time EVER in the same place as SM. And her first time meeting her. It was a rough ride the months leading up to the wedding, but I convinced my mom to not let my sister know ANY of her worries and to vent them all to me...which ended up great for my sister (she had no idea about 90% of the anxiety) but I think it also made my mom more likely to vent to ME about the issues.... so now it's my sister's turn!