What mistakes did your parents make in your childhood...dumb, serious, whatever...but that you forgive them for?
I think it's interesting...we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect stepparents and parents and we try to learn from our own parent's mistakes. My mom made some silly ones.
What did your parents (or step parents do)?
My examples:
1) I will never forget how my mom made me be a little old man for Halloween when I was 4. I wanted to be Little Miss Piggy (same costume as when I was 3) but the costume no longer fit me, and for some god-awful reason she thought it was funny for me to dress up as an old man. I wore the glasses with the nose/mustache attachment and a gray suit, cried the whole time, and wanted to go home right away.
2) My first loose tooth was hanging by a string and I refused to pull it out or let anyone touch it. I was so afraid it would hurt. My mom chased me around the house, with me screaming and crying like a banshee, until she caught me, pried open my mouth, and ripped the tooth out. Of course it didn't hurt but it was traumatic!
3) Apparently when I was 5ish I used to declare that I had to go to the bathroom when we were at a store or restaurant, then just go in and "check it out". I was obsessed with it, I guess. We were shopping about 45 minutes away from home and I told my mom I had to go to the bathroom and she didn't believe me. So on our drive home, I pooped my pants, balled for about 10 minutes about it, and then fell asleep. Joke was on my mom though -- as she of course had to clean it up.
To this day my mom feels so bad any time I bring these things up -- she doesn't understand why she made me be a little man or didn't just let my tooth fall out on its own, or just let me go to the bathroom. She always says, "It wouldn't have hurt anything to just let you do what you wanted." I've found at times I give myself the same pep talk when the kids want something. If it won't hurt anything, why not?
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Mercy...I am so sorry you had
Mercy...I am so sorry you had a mother like that. I hurt for you on the "stillborn" statement. I don't know you, but I am glad you are here! Forgiving her was an amazing feat...that only speaks to what an amazing person you must be!
My own birth mother has come
My own birth mother has come to me asking to have a relationship. My two older brothers have maintained a relationship with her even during some of the rockiest years of alcoholism/drug use/supposed prostitution, etc, but I did not. BM has since sobered up and apparently, trying to put her life back together. My oldest brother visited our mother this past weekend (first time to be in state since my dad died 6 years ago)...since this was my only chance to see my brother and niece, I went over there (she lives 2 hours away). It was actually an ok time. It was just me and my daughter and the only reason DD came was because I really wanted DD and niece to spend some time together. I was really nervous, but it went really well and I enjoyed spending time with my brother, his girlfriend and a couple aunts that also were there!
I am with you...I don't really feel a need to have my BM in my life, my daughter doesn't really know her, so she's not missing her. I think that's just how it has to be. It's so much easier to stand up and say "no...not healthy for my daughter to know you" than it was for me to say "no...not healthy for me to know you".
omg, how horrible and that
omg, how horrible and that you can actually forgive her for all of these things??? Speaks alot of your character and it gives me hope that children DON'T have to turn out to be carbon copies of their crazy parents or worse!
I think the bathroom thing
I think the bathroom thing must also be a kid thing. I know my daughter did it and we joke about it now.
I remember one rather hurtful thing that my (step) mom said to me as a young adult. I was 21 and living with my parents, working and helping pay bills. My mom used to ask for my check and give me however much she thought I needed to live on until the next check and the rest would go to expenses of the house. Well..when I finally got a car, due to note, insurance and gas, I was providing less to the household expenses. We were arguing one day about it and she told me "I hope you never have kids because you are SO selfish". What was really bad about that time is that she was unemployed and kinda addicted to QVC and needed my extra money to cover her excessive shopping. As always, we got over it and put it away. Just last year (almost 20 years later), I finally had the nerve to tell her how much it hurt my feelings when she said that especially knowing that I have always been hyper sensitive about turning out like my birth mother, and this felt like she was telling me that I was doing just that.
It didn't help that she acted like she didn't remember and then tried to defend the statement by saying "I was just trying to get your attention on how you were behaving". I still have an issue with the whole situation because she never could just come out and say "that was wrong of me and I am sorry", but it does help that she compliments me on my parenting--especially since I was a single parent for so long and wouldn't accept any help from anyone (other than CS from ex).
It was a learning moment for me, too because I know how words can hurt, so I try to always remember to think before I speak to my daughter...especially if I am upset with her.
And I think it really rocked that my dad took me outside and showed me how to do "boy" things so that I wouldn't have to depend on one my whole life. Dad even took me into his shop and showed me how to use a lathe, a jigsaw and other power tools! Awesome!!
I wanted to spend more time
I wanted to spend more time with my dad but I was a 'girl' and I wasn't allowed to mow or do outside chores I had to do inside ones while my brothers got to be outside.
When I went to college my mom didn't say anything about how proud was or anything like but instead she said and I quote "I didn't get to go and I had your father" and she walked off. It hurt so bad, I was a single mom and was just wanting a better future.
There are a few more but those were the ones that hurt the most mainly b/c it was very sexist and I wanted to break out of that, I showed them as I'm not Martha Stewart by any means and i'm a career woman and I don;t clean or cook!!!
I can't think of anything
I can't think of anything I've had to forgive my mom or dad for. If she were approached with the question for what she'd need to ask me forgiveness for, I'm certain she'd have a list. She's hard on herself. She raised 9 kids. Of those 9, we all married. I'm the only divorce in our family, & I'm the only one childless. The biggest run in with the law any of us have had is a speeding ticket. We all graduated from high school, & most have finished college. I don't recall a single argument between my parents.
I do recall the one single time I EVER heard either of my parents use a curse word. My mom said, "Damn it!" when she spilled a glass of milk & the glass broke. She realized I'd heard her & she locked herself in her bedroom for hours & cried because she was ashamed. LOL! It's not mine to forgive her for, though. She cursed at herself...not me.
I really think in my situation, the question needs to be reversed. I owe my mom a million apologies for my teenage years.
I have a couple that I love
I have a couple that I love to tease my mom about - I know that's mean but we both know that in the grand scheme of things - they are no big deal and she gives me crap right back about all the things I did.
I fell roller skating one day and my wrist hurt. She said it's just a sprain and get over it. Well the pain went on for 2-3 weeks and I started candy stripeing at the base hospital. Lucky me - I was working on orthopedics and I went to pick up something for the doctor and dropped it and moaned cause it hurt. He immediately asked me about my wrist, ran some xrays and proceeded to tell me, my wrist was fractured in 2 places almost completely across. My mom picked me up that afternoon and I had a bright pink cast on. She felt horrible and I tease her about it to this day - I promise to listen to my kids and give them grief as needed but also I'm very over cautious about things like falls and ear infections.
I did the bathroom thing except I would come out and give a complete report about the state of affairs - I wish my mom would have gotten me to stop that - I'm watching my son starting to make little comments about bathrooms when we are out in public.
When my sister and I were
When my sister and I were young, 4 and 2 maybe, we went to a babysitter and she was horrid - we were not allowed on any furniture except the kitchen chairs, she force fed us food (to this day, i am just now starting to come around to the idea of ham and mustard), and the one day she pushed my sister, who tripped over me (trying to take a nap on the floor) and she cracked her chin on the wooden foot stool. She called my dad and he came and got my sister, who needed about 6 stitches in her little chin. I would tell my mom and dad these things but of course, we were so little and that's not what the babysitter would tell them, so they ignored us until we were much older and the story didn't change. Both of my parents still lament about not listening to us sooner, and my mom even brought that up when it was time for me to look for daycare for my daughter - she said, "you remember what happened with Donna, right?" - uh, yeah mom, i was there.
Ah, memories. This is kind of hard though because the caveat in this message is that i've forgiven them for the things they've done....and some of these things i haven't forgiven so i'll save them for now.
I was lucky to have a
I was lucky to have a wonderful mom (still have her) growing up. My father left when I was barely 2 so she was a single working parent until she met my step dad and they married when I was in the 4th grade.
A couple of silly things though that we laugh about were:
Mom and I used to go on bike rides all of the time when I was a kid. One time, we rode our bikes to the airport that was about 5 or 6 miles from our house to see the Airshow. Well on our way home, (I always rode behind my mom) I was complaining that it was hard to pedal. She just basically said, "stop whining and keep going, we'll be home before you know it" So I did. when we got about 100 yards from the house, my uncle came out of the barn (we lived on a dairy farm that he ran) to say hi to us. While we were chatting with him, he asked how far I had to ride on my flat tire??? lol My mother felt terrible!! To this day have no idea how in the world I managed to ride all that way on a flat tire!!
Another time I can remember I was eating dinner by myself. (I must have had practice after school or something so everyone had already eaten) I was always a stinker about drinking my milk.. I didn't like it but mom made us have a glass with EVERY dinner. So I go to take a drink of my milk and it was GROSS! SPOILED! I told my mom and she basically said "stop whining, and drink your milk" so I did... I got the glass almost gone and I said "Mom I just can't drink any more of this I am really going to throw up" So she goes to the fridge and gets the milk out and smells it and of course it was spoiled! She felt terrible!
We still laugh about these silly little things to this day!
Not fun to recall the many
Not fun to recall the many problems my mother and I had over the years. I could write a book, including the time she berated me in front of my aunt and uncle and cousins because she'd left me in charge of the house while my parents went out of town (me in charge of my older brother and younger sister and me not old enough to drive) and I "let" us run out of toilet paper. Never mind that I had no way to get to the store to get more because I had no car and had two siblings to watch and I'm sure I tried and failed to get them to come with me. And I'm pretty sure she didn't leave me any money for such a situation.
I will tell you one I continue to remember very vividly, with regard to my father. I was (and still am) in love with horses, and my parents got me riding lessons one summer when I was about 14. They put me on a difficult horse and he knocked me off by running under a low tree branch. My ankle hit a rock and it hurt a lot. I was wearing high-top tennis shoes (my basketball shoes), so it wasn't too bad. When my dad came to pick me up, I ran to the truck (excited about my lesson). All seems fine, right? When I got home, dad told me to do my chores. I always was an obedient child, but dad was pretty hardnosed. I took my shoe off and tried to stand up and my leg just didn't support me. I told my dad and even showed him, but he didn't believe me and thought I was just trying to get out of mowing the yard. I could NOT convince him something was seriously wrong (despite the fact that I was crying and I NEVER cry). Finally, my mom came home and saw me and decided to take me to the hospital. I'll never forget my dad's words as I was walking about the door: "There'd better be something wrong with your leg!" Turns out I tore the ligaments on the inside of my ankle, and I came home in a cast and on crutches. I know he felt pretty bad about the whole situation, even though he never admitted that to me.
Unfortunately, I don't think
Unfortunately, I don't think I've forgiven my parents for these things:
1. Leaving me in the pickup while they went into the bar. This only happened once but I believe is part of my insecurity issues.
2. Mom told me that the tomato soup I was eating was the leftover paint from my room. Her and her friend got a good laugh out of my struggle to finish the soup.
3. Mom refused to believe me when I told her that grandma's boyfriend came into the bedroom naked when my younger cousin and I were there and tried to get us to "touch it."
4. Mom called me a wh0re & s1ut when I told her I was pregnant with my DS when I was 19 & in college. I thought she'd be sympathetic since her sister had her first child when she was 14!
My mom called me a slut and
My mom called me a slut and said all i want to do is spread my legs to my now H who i was with for 3 years before marrying. I'll go backward, We sold our house to first looker, moved in with mom temporarily until we bought a new house, mom got over-attached to us being there. DH & I rented a 1/2 double cuz it was getting too crowded. My DH was going to stay at 1/2 double rental when he had his 2 and stay at mom's with us until we found a house. The second my DH went out door to 1/2 double, my mom said she was gonna fix up my sons room to look like a boys room. I told her not to cuz we will be not be here forever. She flipped out cuz she thought we would separate, she was hoping, we never said we were. Weren't even fighting. She kept calling me slut, etc so i up and packed my stuff and went to 1/2. She said if i left that day she would disown me, after her fist went into my face cuz she wanted to hit me. She still wont talk to me 3 years later. I miss her so much and cry all the time bout it. Any suggestions to get my mom back, please let me know.
((((hugs to you sweetie))))
((((hugs to you sweetie))))
1) I forgive my mom for
1) I forgive my mom for cheating on my dad with my SF. I forgive both my parents for the day the divorce was final and mom had her van all packed up and drove off without telling us kids where she was going. I thought dad was just going to let her live in the car. That was one of the hardest nights of my life. I cut her face out of most of the family pictures I had because I felt she was no longer part of our family and I was very hurt.
Not as serious.. I forgive my dad for never believing I had broken bones and making me wait till the immediate care is open to take me. LOL he did this all the time, "maybe it'll be better in the morning." It never was.. haha
A funny one we (my sister and I) tease my dad about, that she says she won't forgive him about.. (but she's kidding)
She was about 3years old when we were delivering newspapers to stores on a Sunday morning (we would go help him deliver papers)Well he had this old beat up crap van that he used and I was sitting on the center counsil and she was in the passenger seat and dad was driving. Well the van had a bad inside door handle and she was fiddeling with it at our previous stop, so the door wasn't completly closed. Only noone knew that. Well as we were driving and dad turned the corner the door flew open and baby sis flew out of the van. She tells my dad all she remembers from the incident was his hand coming at her, and I tell her and him that's because he was actually pushing you out of the van..lol He actually asked her like last year, do you really believe I pushed you out. And in all seriousness she goes, yeah. Then started laughing and told him no. He looked so relieved that we were just giving him a hard time. He told her he remembers running out and picking her up and her not crying and he just picked her up and was like cry damnit. Then she started crying and he knew she was ok.
BTW she only had like one scratch on her, she's one lucky kid.