SS is turning 17 on Friday. DH hasn't spoken to him since his last birthday. We're can't quite agree on how to acknowledge it. Of course, I realize SS isn't my child, & the decision isn't mine to make. DH's kids have completely blocked him out of their lives & he's incredibly hurt. We've talked it to death. I've explained that part of it is their ages. They're selfish. Of course, as a selfish teen, I didn't block either of my parents out of my life...though there were times I wished I could. BM is in full support of DH being out of the picture & has, no doubt, encouraged them to make that choice.

We both agree that gifts will not be mailed to their home. We have a gift for him, but it will be kept in the pile with their Christmas gifts at our house until they can make time to spend with DH so he can place the gifts in their hands & watch them as they open them up. We were out yesterday & I reminded DH that we needed to pick up a birthday card for SS. He agreed. He picked out one with a donkey on the front & said, "Maybe we should send him this one & tell him what an ass he's being". He was being halfway sarcastic. I picked one out that talked about "all the things I want for you in life...". It mentioned happiness, peace, joy, real friendships, success, reaching goals, etc. DH was beginning to tear up as he read it & handed it back to me & said he couldn't give it to his son. I said, "Do you not want those things for your son?" & he pointed to one line that said, "As I've watched you grow from a boy to a man...". He said, I haven't been able to watch him grow from a boy to a man. I've missed pretty much all of his teenage years". So, we ended up leaving without one. I suggested maybe he could just call their house on SS's birthday & leave a happy birthday message & let him know he misses him. He says he won't call there anymore; that if they want to talk to him they can call. He won't leave another message to go unreturned.

I really feel like he should at least send a card. He said if I want to pick one out & write a short message in it that's fine. A message from me isn't going to mean anything to SS. I know that if DH would take the time to write a few words it'd at least be something memorable for SS. DH has a thing about putting his words in writing. He won't do it. BM did some terrible things with the personal heartfelt letters DH had written to her in some difficult times in their marriage. It makes him feel vulnerable, so he simply writes, "I love & miss you. Love, Dad"

Any suggestions? Is DH right to not want to acknowledge it at all?