Mini wife and crawling dad

Sorry to go on today but it is so helpful to write this down. H is now getting angry with me. He said I bet she asks me to come back. Big pause. I said nothing. His response, "what am I going to say?". My response, she doesn't listen to a word you say and she's failing at school. Obviously she needs a change of parenting style while still young. And then he said but you can help me, what do I do I need advice. My response get lost, get a counsellor. Last time I 'helped' at your request I got undermined and two black eyes from a flying book. What a cheek! Am I wrong here? He's depressed because she's not here yet he's being impatient with our son and rolling his eyes every time I talk. And he is avoiding me physically and he's a very affectionate H. I've never moaned so much, I'm normally so easy going. Oh we'll even if I'm talking to myself I feel better!

Struggling stepmum's blog
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I was reacting back just as

I was reacting back just as badly until the last three weeks when I looked at who I was becoming and cut off my concern for her. Since then he's in a mess because he's turned on him! Had about 3 weeks of no SD and not a cross word. He got up today and I can see him brewing. Supposed to have an evening out together. Bet he spoils it for me on purpose. He needs her more simple. He does say now when he's losing it and goes out. I showed everyone my black eyes and he was mortified but I'm getting a bit more respect now. Does anyone think he will have a relapse?

I haven't read all your

I haven't read all your blogs. Just skimmed over them now. Chances of him relapsing are probably nil, because I doubt he has ever recovered in the first place. They try to hide it, but from my experience just ever so lightly scratch the surface and see SD crawling under his skin.

After 8 years of first emotional abuse while dh tried to win his adult daughter back, it turned to emotionally and verbal abuse when I stopped tolerating her abuse. Dh got really angry with me when I refused to tolerate any more of her disrespect towards him or myself any longer.

Without rehashing all the drama again. We are now in a place where he is in counselling and on antidepressants. He recently told his psychologist that he saw everything his daughter was doing. He knew she was way out of line and all the problems we had were because of her, but he didn't want to say anything to her because he was afraid she would stop talking to him. Basically, what he said was, yes I knew my daughter was ignoring, isolating and humiliating my wife, but I didn't give a shit, as long as she talks to me. She was every bit as rude and disrespectful to him as she was me, but he was happy to put up with it as long as she talked to him. That is why he was so angry with me. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't accept it. He once told me in an argument, if you would just shut up and put up with her shit like I do everything would be ok. Translation, everything was my fault because I wouldn't put up with the spawn of Satan's abuse. Not, because she was a rude, ignorant, spoilt, self centred, opinionated, narcissistic brat with an over inflated sense of self and entitlement, nope, not her fault at all. Certainly not his for his failure to address her behaviour and his failing to address it was encouraging it. No, not his fault at all, all my fault for refusing to put up with it.

After almost losing his marriage. After she told him 2 years ago if you want to see my baby you have to leave her, after she has not spoken to him for 2 years, he would if he thought I'd put up with it, have her back in his life in a heartbeat.

They cannot relapse, they don't recover. But if he ever turned physical with me in an arguement over her, that would be the end. I would not make excuses or blame what I said or how I said it for causing him to throw a book or a pin. I'd be gone. And believe me, I have put up with a lot. But not that. If they do it once they will do it again. Accepting it is giving them permission to do it.

Two black eyes? You don't

Two black eyes? You don't throw things at people. This is what we teach babies not to do. Had that been me, the accounts would have been drained, locks changed, and he would have been asking SD for a spot on the couch and yes I know she lives with bm. Or the cops called. Don't care if you were arguing, hitting is abuse and you guys are escalating. Will he hit you again "by accident"? Yes. Will he hit you on purpose? Probably.
Counseling for the two of you is a must if you want to stay together. Demon spawn needs to stay away for now.

I do get it but I find it

I do get it but I find it hard to believe he's not reacting and is in fact abusing. And does that make me as bad ?

I've started putting money

I've started putting money away for such a time. I feel a bit weak now reading your replies. You all see a dangerous situation and I'm sitting around like super wife encouraging a change that won't happen. Why would he turn from nice to horrible if it isn't his own nature coming through?? Thanks for all your advice

You are a victim, and you

You are a victim, and you have the victim mentality. You're giving him excuses for the abuse. You say you react just as badly, but do you physically hurt him or attack or assault him?

If you do, then both of you are MUTUALLY abusing each other.

There is NO reason why anyone should lay a hand on another person other than self defense or the defense of someone else, and it should NEVER be in anger.

If you don't, then you are truly a victim and no amount of "he's just reacting" will stop or make this not what it is--which is abuse.

Do you understand, as human beings, what kind of huge mental leap it takes to physically hurt another human being? Especially one you care about? Give normal people a gun or a knife and tell them to use it to shoot or stab someone, maybe someone they love, just the thought of it will make people ill. Once you cross that barrier, very few can come back. If what you say is true, your SO has crossed it a long time ago, and he will continue.

Get out. For your safety, get out.

(I'm sorry we tend to be blunt. A lot of women on this site have been through what you have, and some of their stories will make you physically nauseous. We care, that's why we're trying so hard to get you to see it.)

I do physically hit him

I do physically hit him sometimes. Usually after days of gaslighting or if he verbally attacks me for no reason. I've stopped it now I'm a very I violent perso n but so angry and resentful towards him . Not an excuse but I only started hitting back to try and defend myself. I just cannot stand there and be pushed or insulted and always take it. I'm sorry I know I'm wrong. He's the first human bbeing I've ever raised a hand to