Told FSD about our engagement
Hey all-
Well FDH told FSD that we are planning to wed. He did it with just the two of them so she would be able to react honestly with him. She cried and asked him why he was trying to replace her. It makes my heart heavy but I remember reading that most kids have a fantasy of their parents getting back together and marriage ends that, so there is going to be a grieving process. FDH explained that there are different kinds of love and the love he has for her is different than the love he has for me. I explained zero sum games with her the next day and that love isn’t like that. FDH also addressed the fact that sometimes she ignores me when I get home from work and say hi. In the meantime, I’m going to just step back and give her some time to adjust, any other recommendations? BM took it way better than we thought and consented to FSD coming to the wedding (yay), let’s hope she warms up to the idea by then. Some part of me is still expecting something crazy but who knows.
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My SD was 5 when me and DH
My SD was 5 when me and DH wanted to get married, but immediately was thrilled and said "You want to be a part of our family?" with great joy. BM at this time was halfway across the country and was barely calling her so she wanted another woman in the house. She said "you can make me breakfast, make me lunch, make me dinner, make me snacks...you could be my other mommmy". She was so adorable and sweet. Then BM came back and told her I was a bitch. lol Then the shit hit the fan. Now SD7 is a mini BM.
I would tell her benefits of
I would tell her benefits of having you around. Don't feel a heavy heart. You're right, skids DO fantasize about having their parents get back together. Mine did but she was seeing it from a selfish perspective...she has some skewed Disney princess idea of what her parent's marriage used to be like. They lived in poverty and were fighting all the time. She remembers the fighting but doesn't remember the poverty. Don't feel compelled to help her understand if she's in denial, though. Eventually she's gonna have to learn how to accept it.
That's what FDH told me. He
That's what FDH told me. He said she will adjust, it's a part of life she needs to learn. She did tell him that she likes me, it's just she doesn't understand why she can't be his number one, he told her that it's not fair or right for him to put her in that place but that she is his daughter and he will always love her. It's just going to take some time...
Future. We aren't married
Future. We aren't married yet, we just formalized our engagement recently ( we've had the wedding date set for awhile).
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments stepaside. FDH, was with me when I chatted with her and backed up the points I was making. I understand what your saying about both of us being present and its likely from here on out we both will be. She didn't really say bad things about me, it was more of a discussion on why change happens. I wish there was a decent guide book out there for all of us. Navigating this land mines is tough work! Lastly, FDH has always maintained to FSD that we ( he and I) are a team, I wouldn't have said yes otherwise. Anytime I've had to step into a situation he has backed me up so I don't have a reason to doubt this. And by step into a situation I don't mean discipline per say, just telling her if something is inappropriate or what not.
I agree with Stepaside. . .I
I agree with Stepaside. . .I would say keep both eyes WIDE open before the wedding day.
"FDH has always maintained to FSD that we ( he and I) are a team, I wouldn't have said yes otherwise"
Yes, in my case, guilty daddy said things like that initially to his three children but it soon faded when real life hit him smack between the eyes. Remember talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.
Excellent points Stepaside, I
Excellent points Stepaside, I know when I first moved in she voiced her opinion that we should do every other weekend (she was 9 at the time, what 9 year old thinks that?!), he told her no he and I are the adults and she doesn't have to like the situation but she had to respect me. We had tears for about a month and then things settled down. Who knows, I may be eating crow with you guys before too long, but I will say his actions have shown me how serious he is about it :). We both come from step families as well, the type where the new partners are included with all decision making, perhaps this makes a difference as well?