Just need to release.....
So my MIL keeps on texting my DH asking him if we would come to Washington for his little brother's wedding. DH has told her no several times. Some drama happened with them a few years back that I won't get into and DH doesn't want to forgive him however my MIL keeps pressing the issue of family should forgive and blah, blah, blah. DH doesn't want to forgive or have anything to do with his brother so I don't understand why my MIL can't just leave it alone. She offered to pay for DH and I to come there for the wedding. I just told DH if he wanted to forgive his brother and go to his wedding then that was his decision to make however, I wasn't going to take off work and go.
Then BM texts DH Friday night saying that she signed YSS up for some LEGO/ROBOTICS team and some of the tournaments will be on his weekend. She pulled the same crap last year telling him that she was signing YSS up for football and that DH would have to take him to his practices and games. DH definitely had a problem with that and for some reason he doesn't have a problem this year taking YSS to these LEGO/ROBOTICS tournaments. I just didn't even say anything because if DH wants to be there for his kid then he can. I am not going to stop him.
I just told DH that I will not be going with him because I do not want to see or deal with BM. Am I wrong to not go with my DH to his kid's activities? He was a little bit upset and said I wasn't being supportive. He said that it was for his kid and that I should rise above and just ignore BM. It is not that I cannot ignore her it is just I don't want to spend my Saturday seeing her or dealing with her all day. I could be doing so many other constructive things. I am so tired of BM and I think it's already enough that she texts my DH and tries to argue with him and get her own way all the time.
YSS keeps on asking about her financial things and DH had to explain to him that it was none of his business and that he needs not to worry about such things. He said that he just wants to go have fun again. I get it kids want to go out and have fun but DH and I just don't have the money to be spending on fast food and other things every other weekend so YSS will just have to deal. He has a birthday coming up in a few weeks so DH will do something nice for him then.
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Remember both men are MIL's
Remember both men are MIL's children and she would like them to get along, you can't blame the woman lol.
DH told her no, she keeps on asking, he can keep on telling he NO, we are busy or what ever.
Now my problem would be... BM signing skid up for activities and DH jumping of joy, why not tell BM, I'm sorry but you have no right deciding what my son will do when visiting me, guess he will miss a couple of tournaments then.
Just a quick question. If a
Just a quick question. If a kid wants to participate in an activity that has weekend games or tournaments, why not support the kid? If my kids want to play baseball for example, there will be games every Saturday for the season. My ex would have no problem taking him to or going to his games. I don't think kids should be punished by missing out on weekend activities because of shared custody.
I'm just curious about your opinion. Thank you!
I think that the core of the
I think that the core of the issue is that BM did the sign up without dad's knowledge. So, he didn't get the opportunity to decide if this was an obligation he was willing to support.
I personally feel that kids should be able to do activities and that parents should work things out so that it is possible for the kids to do them. In our case, that meant shifting around custody time since my DH and I lived hours away and it wasn't feasible to have him running his girls to a game on a Saturday when he had JUST gotten them picked up and drove it on Friday.. then to drop them off on Sunday???
In this case, sounds like Dad is on board and happy to facilitate the activity.. even though he wasn't asked in advance.
if a kid wants to participate
if a kid wants to participate in a sport.... then no problem, but that kid will participate in the sport for a full season, with out missing anything..... You talk about this with the other parent, you do not decide on your own.
If Dh and the BM was still married - they would've talked about it, they are divorced why not run it by each other..
OP\s BM pulled the same stunt last year,different sport, this BM decides what sport it will be.... the kid just says okay mum and the OP's DH have to jump around ... why would he make sure the kid is present if he had no say in the matter? It's his Ex wife trying to control him and the situation.
Thank you Acra this is
Thank you Acra this is exactly what I was trying to say.
I had some issues with my
I had some issues with my cousins, all much older than I and the drama was between their parents and my parents.... so maybe a much different scenario. When I was a maid of honor at my older sister's wedding, they were all included and I maintained my anger in dealing with them. Ultimately, when I had my older DD they sent well wishes and were supportive. A year earlier, at my sister's wedding, was the first time we spoke in 15 years. I think with the birth of my daughter, they were trying to connect. I realized I was holding on to anger that was not mine. More so, they were trying to connect above anger that was not theirs. If your DH and his brother want to heal it will take place between them. Your MIL will not need to intervene. That is forced.
BM and activities? Your DH should fully expect to go alone if that is what you want. I would rather chew glass than spend 30 seconds near BM, DH knows to respect that. Besides, I enjoy a little time away from DH... we need our own interests.
Finances, pffft. My own kids know not to inquire about such things. If they ask to do something I just say "no" if no is the answer. DH does the same with SS. The conversation is never about finances... its just "no". No explaination necessary. If you need to ask me, I get to say yes or no and I get to respond in one word.
"Your DH should fully expect
"Your DH should fully expect to go alone if that is what you want. I would rather chew glass than spend 30 seconds near BM, DH knows to respect that. Besides, I enjoy a little time away from DH... we need our own interests"
I agree with this but the opposite for me. SO and I both work long hours all week and some nights just see each other as one of us is going to bed. I started going to SS's activities on weekends just to be able to have time with SO. We are able to sit on the sidelines, watch them play, discuss upcoming events, daily stuff, vacations, hold hands and plant kisses.
I do not let the fact that BM would be there effect me. (tho she is never there)
TBH, it's often the case that
TBH, it's often the case that the other parent doesn't show if it isn't their weekend. They have other things they may rather do than watch from the sidelines.
All he needs to do as far as
All he needs to do as far as his mother is tell her 'look, Mom, when and/or if Brother and I work this out is really between Brother and I. You can't fix this for us. And while I appreciate your concern , I do not feel one of what is suppose to be the happiest days of Brother's life is a appropriate time. Let Brother have his day, and let Brother and I worry about the rest of it'. No farther discussion with his mother is necessary and he can now change the topic when she keeps nagging.
As to the weekend activity, eh, the kid has two parents to support and cheer from the sidelines (or whatever). No need for you to have to attend. You can if and when you feel you liked to. If not, be guilt free on the days you would rather not go. You can show some interest to the child on what he is doing and his activity without having to be present.
One thing with the activity, BM signed them up, Dad agreed (?). If so, DH does need to follow through if he agreed to it. Dad will have to budget his personal spending (not your spending or your household budget, but his personal self 'fun money'). If Dad doesn't have the finances for restaurant lunches during those days, I suppose he will have to pack some sandwiches and drink in a cooler and take in the vehicle with them. Is this the kid who climbs over the back of booths in restaurants? If so, kid doesn't need to be going in to dine anyway. All the food stands at these types of meets are overpriced too. Dad can pack a shoulder pack with a few snacks from home (he can bake some cookies that week and stick in some flavored bottle water).
Having 'fun' does not necessarily mean a family has to spend money. There are ways to cut cost of an outing without spending a fortune. Dad can always ask BM to share the cost of these activities that SHE signed the kid up for. Many parents split the cost of extra activities. It wouldn't hurt BM to pay for half the gas if the activity requires traveling. He could even ask BM to pack the boy's snack packs to send with them on Dad's day to take them while Dad pays for the necessary gas.
I like this response to his
I like this response to his mother. He should be able to deliver it. It is not unkind and firmly places the ball in his own court.
Regarding the activity.
1. Tank.. If your DH is happy to support his child in this activity then there is nothing for you to get upset about over "she didn't ask first". Obviously your DH is supporting it, so it really doesn't matter. Try not to get offended on the behalf of others. This kind of stuff is what really drives you nuts. You get too emotionally invested in other people's issues (see above with MIL too).
2. Do you have to go? Nope. You support by giving your DH the go ahead to support his son in this activity. Personally, I did go to a few things that the girls were in. Did I want to? No... but for my DH and his girls, I did go if I didn't have anything else going on. Remember it was generally hours each way, so that meant I had a lot of time with my DH too. BM? Ignored her. May have said hello a time or two.. but the focus was the girls.
Yes YSS climbed over the
Yes YSS climbed over the booth.
In your MILs defense, I would
In your MILs defense, I would probably do the same thing if my kids were not talking for years. I guess it would also depend on what his younger bro did that made your DH not talk to him for years. (things like this normally happen due to a fight over a woman)
Do NOT let your DH guilt you into going to the tournaments!! HE is the one being unsupportive. He wants to put his wife in a very uncomfortable situation almost every Saturday. Not cool.
Why would you keep on asking
Why would you keep on asking if you were already told no four times before. I mean that is rather annoying I think. I don't think it's fair to force someone to forgive someone else who they do not want to forgive.
Hope springs eternal. They
Hope springs eternal. They are her babies.
They maybe her babies but my
They maybe her babies but my DH is an adult and can make his own choices and whether he wants to forgive his brother or not he shouldn't be pushed into making a decision that he doesn't want to make. I am staying out of it because it doesn't involve me. I fully support him in whatever decision he makes when it comes to his brother the skids are another story.
Why would you keep on asking
Why would you keep on asking if you were already told no four times before. I mean that is rather annoying I think. I don't think it's fair to force someone to forgive someone else who they do not want to forgive.
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Is this to me?? If so, I have no clue what you are talking about.
"Why would you keep on asking
"Why would you keep on asking if you were already told no four times before."
Because they are her children. Normal parents do what they can to foster/repair relationships between their children.
Well I guess my family is
Well I guess my family is weird then because I didn't talk to someone in my family for something and still don't that is unforgivable and my parents tried one time and then I said no I wasn't having it because I am an ADULT and I don't need mommy telling me to forgive someone for something that jeopardized my life and other people's lives in my family. I mean seriously who can say what is actually normal everyone was raised differently and has their own ways of doing things and when trying to push an ADULT to do something they don't want to do isn't fair TBH. The whole dynamic of "keeping the family" together is totally fine but, it all depends on what the situation is and who did what.
Of course it does. Still,
Of course it does. Still, what is the disagreement and what does Mom know about it. Did his brother molest DH's child? Did he steal money? Did he sleep with his wife?
Or.. was it something more benign like brother got drunk and made an ass of himself? Or did someone say some unkind (but true) thing. or did someone blow off a birthday party?
If it reaches the level of seriousness to break ties with someone, maybe Mom needs to know WHAT the reason is.
My MIL would be like that though. My DH actually didn't speak to his mom for year once because she was all enmeshed with his exwife and was obstructing his ability to have visitation with his daughters. (by calling the EX and getting the kids to come see her for a weekend instead of going with him... taking them to her house without telling him etc... "all for their own good" of course". She now does the same with our dog when we go stay next door. If we leave the dog on the porch, she will bring him over to her house so he can roam free with them. (Porch is fine, cool, water and food left comfy bed and toys). She just has different ideas on what "care" should be.
I really don't want to get
I really don't want to get into it what the situation is. I just know that DH doesn't want to forgive his brother and that he is getting upset at his mother because she keeps pushing the issue that he needs to forgive his brother. It has to do with BM and the kids and it happened a few years back.
You don't have to get into it
You don't have to get into it here of course. But, your DH may need to "go there" with his mom if it truly was such a horrible transgression.
To answer your basic vent/question on why she keeps asking.. it's that she wants her children to get along. She will probably always want that and will probably always push for it. Your husband will just have to get ready to kindly repeat that while he understands her request, that she will need to let him decide how he relates to his brother or not.
MIL was well aware of what is
MIL was well aware of what is going on and what happened with my DH and his brother she just thinks that my DH should forgive and forget and DH cannot move past it.
If she is well aware of it..
If she is well aware of it.. that doesn't matter. She obviously feels that whatever transcribed should be something that can be put behind them. DH is no longer with BM.. so perhaps it is something that they should try to bury.. if it was one thing in an otherwise good relationship?
In any case, she is their mother and she wants to have her boys get along. It probably kills her that they aren't close. She is going to want this forever.. she will push for it forever. Either this is something your DH is willing to buck his mom on until she dies, or he figures out a way to get past it and reconciles with his brother.
You complaining that "she should just stop" isn't going to make any difference so you need to just ignore it.
That is not up for her to
That is not up for her to decide.
My SIL tried the same thing with my DH and his brother. They had a falling out a few years ago, SIL comes into town (after 10 years of being gone) and thinks she's going to get everybody together and "fix" it. DH told her there was nothing to fix, he has his life, the brother has his life, the two of them are fine with the way things are. Leave.it.alone.
Some people just like to meddle and think they know everything or are the "glue" of the family. DH told his sister to get over herself. And no, the get together never happened.
Yeah exactly. MIL meddles
Yeah exactly. MIL meddles all the time. I have had to tell her to back off a few times about some things and I guess that is just the way she is. But, I see it as my house and my bubble don't mess with it.
I don't go to the vast
I don't go to the vast majority of my SSs activities when BM will be there. I have gone in the past, but my SSs don't acknowledge me because I think they feel uncomfortable having me around when BM is there. I ignore BM entirely and although she swears up and down that she is "always friendly" to me and to DH, she isn't, she's just lacks basic self-awareness. Coming up to someone and saying "hello" with a sneer on your face is not being friendly.
I also recently mentioned something about SS's football team to him. He said "how do you know that?" and I said "because I went to all of your games last year", he responds "stalker...just kidding." In my head I thought, that's fine, your games were really boring, so I'm happy not to go again.
If the games are early, I don't go, so that other SS doesn't have to be dragged out of bed to go with us. This weekend, I have my own event scheduled during the game. I'll probably do that and maybe go to one, so I can check the box.
DH likes me to go with him because then BM leaves him alone, but I don't even want to see her face and DH is not very good about being strategic about where he sits, in order to avoid her.