The Monster that is Me..
Over the last few years I have noticed an increase in anger & disappointment that I myself have become un recognizable...and in essence have turned into a monster. I have zero patience for ALMOST anything particularly, relating to the Step Life and the dealings with SO’s USER Friend. One example, my SO's BFF, who I consider uses SO; SO disagrees(fair enough he's known him longer 10 years and NO I was not present during those times that his "friend did A LOT for him"), he never gets a birthday gift or Christmas gift from his friend; We give his friend, his wife and his daughter Christmas gifts and in the 2 years that I have known them it has never been reciprocated, His friend has SOs furniture piece but wont let SO take it because its at his in laws and the in laws are using it as part of their furnishings for a rental property...the list goes on and on ..His friend only gave him one weekend to get it and he knows we have a Car.
Me and SO have been getting into weekly fights, that I am starting to question if we should be together, I love him dearly, but I cant take the resentment and anger I have, since we've moved in together. I am crying ALMOST all of the time and I never cry. We have virtually zero savings, I cant finish my University Degree(because we cant afford not having me work and I don't make that much) we pay and absurd amount of rent$1900/month So brings in 2800$/month, I bring in 2122$/month after taxes, utilities are about $600/month and CS. Among other "expenses". We have a 20 year age difference. I sometimes regret leaving my parents because if I did stay I would have a shit load more money saved(money is not everything, but in todays economy its hard not to think like that and being a single parent changes your perspective) and most importantly I wouldn't be working shitty jobs and I would knock on wood, I would have had my BA by now.
SO Drives my car, we cant afford another car and if we did we couldn't afford the insurance for him. I hardly get to drive the car I paid for because SO doesn't like being a passenger ; so 95% of the time SO drives it. I have mentioned this to him that sometimes Id like to drive it and it doesn't end too well. I financed this car before I met SO and was a single parent that was left with NOTHING!And because we ALWAYS used my vehicle for picks and drop offs, and to drop BM her CS I put a Stop to it, earlier this year. I now have over 200,000 km on it and because we have zero savings I cant afford to put winter tires on it…I don’t mean to sound selfish but I have become a SELFISH BITCH because of it and I am nit picking and dissecting fucking everything.
It sickens me that I have become this way, I used to never be anxiety ridden, tonight around 1:00 am I felt like I was going to have a heart attack so I took an EPSOM Salt Bath, I literally have become a hypochondriac also because of this POST MIRENA BS. I am so worried and stressed all the time I haven’t felt normal in a year and sometimes feel like I am dying, its hard to explain. Almost everyday I get weird symptoms and I wonder is this a deadly disease or is this stress? It sounds pathetic, but that is my mindset…I want to be happy. I have been on Zoloft for under a month, but I did not like the side effects. I often wonder ,if I was to leave if I would feel normal again…as sad as that is to say.
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It sounds like you've already
It sounds like you've already made up your mind. It's so hard because you have invested so much time, energy, tears, and resources...you have to decide if you are willing to invest more in hopes of change in your relationship. I think the risk of anxiety and depression for a small in step life are clear...and I know what you are talking about when you say you have become a monster. There is something inside me that I battle with that has never been present in my life before...fear, anger, anxiety, jealousy, resentment. I'm hearing that you see the benefit of leaving the relationship, and listening to your gut might be the best thing you can do.
Leave, leave now. Go back
Leave, leave now. Go back home. He's using you to help support a lifestyle you can't afford. Life is too short to be miserable.
he doesn't like to be a
he doesn't like to be a passenger? TOUGH F'G SHIT. that is what happens when you don't have a car of your own. you are a passenger. if you are lucky enough to get a ride in the first place. you are not selfish. he is. I would leave his ass. it sounds like he's as much of a user as his friend is.
Nothing you have typed in
Nothing you have typed in this makes you sound like a 'selfish bitch'...forget that idea right now. You're 28ish, have a small child and are living in a nightmare situation with your body acting up and a SO who is draining you.
Seriously? I'd take my little one and go back to your parents. If nothing else for a temporary timeline to get yourself back together and review what it is and where you want to be at this point in your life. IMO you owe yourself and your little one. If you're miserable so is the little one. Neither one of you are benefiting from the current situation as it stands. You're paying ridiculous rent/bills and working yourself miserable so what? So you can feed and house a guy with two teenagers? Time to focus on you, your child and both of yours happiness and well being. That's not being selfish...it's the right thing to do. No guy is worth being physically and mentally miserable over and you don't personally 'owe' him or his teens anything.
At least take a temporary break and take care of yourself and the child. Go home. Use your work money to take care of kiddo and finish your schooling. Give your body and mind a chance to recoup and just be happy without all the pressure of the SO/skids. Your SO has made it all these years without you and your wallet and car, he'll figure his own way through his own circumstances. Time to think about you.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your in put. It is REALLY hard to leave, especially since I have invested x amount of time into this. SO cares about me like no one else has then again I haven't dated many people. SO used to help me write my essays for university especially if I had a hard day, he would stay up all night and would do that. When my daughter gets sick because he works at home, he watches her. I don't FEEL he is using me...But I do FEEL he does not understand my perspective and the sacrifices I have made...He did have a Van, a 1994 Mercury and he had to put into scrap because frankly, it wasn't worth saving.
I think his respect has gone down with me because I am always complaining and come off as controlling, because Im not a fan of his friend and that I don't want the BM to come into our home that we rent(Many ppl berated me for not letting BM no where we live, she knows that we moved to a different place in the same town, but does not know our address his kids are 13&15, not that it matters but theyre not 5 anymore,). I had to tell SO that she doesn't need to see where we live, otherwise it will be back to court because the place is considerably nicer than hers and where we were before. I even asked my aunt because I was so afraid of her coming over, to pretend that this is her place. I was reading an excerpt of STEPMONSTER and A LOT of things she said about the fallacies of STEPMOTHERS, were true. I don't want to hide my lifestyle because of some bitch from his past....it really is NO WAY to live. People on this site have it way worse than I do...Because we don't see the kids A LOT, as I said I put a stop to ALL the Driving, I feel immense guilt...I had to wake up and smell the coffee and realize these kids are not my responsibility and their mother can drive them...well she will with a price for gas..
It has been a really shitty year and I cant wait for it to be over...I never believed in a god before this, well I think I did, but I have been doing some major praying because of the heart palpitations, tachycardia ALL stemming from anxiety.
Do something positive for
Do something positive for your selfish. Make a list of goals for yourself n a time to achieve them. Get your blood pumping. Do something different n new. Go hiking ~ take yoga classes. Change something !!!
Your stuck in a rut !! If you think it is more you will know soon. If you change stuff around instead of the everyday stuff maybe you'll start to feel alive again.
You are feeling suffocated ~ I know I would if I couldn't drive ~ just to escape for 45 minutes would get my blood pumping. Make plans for lunch w n old friend you haven't seen in awhile.
I know all things step
I know all things step related are complicated, stressful and can drive us crazy. So please know that I am very sympathetic and think you are perfectly justified if you can't handle things anymore.
However, if you are feeling so much worse over the last year you may want to ask your doctor to give you a physical and specifically check your thyroid,cortisol, adrenaline, vitamin D and vitamin B levels. Just to make sure there's not a physical problem that could be contributing to your anxiety and making the situation feel so much worse than it used to.
I'm sure your BF has his good
I'm sure your BF has his good qualities and loves you, but a relationship that causes you sadness and resentment every day for long period of time is not right for you. This man is so much older than you and you are making too many sacrifices and compromises to be with him. If it's difficult now imagine how you are going to feel 5 years down the line if you continue putting off your goals, resenting the decision he makes and working instead of studying to pay rent he can't afford. And on top of that there are all the frustrations and compromises of trying to stepparent 2 teenagers.
You're in a relationship that is not good for you, to the point that it is making you ill - your body is literally telling you that this relationship is toxic for you. No amount of love is worth having to constantly medicate just to keep yourself going.