Spin off from my Holidays Blog
So we're all pretty much agreeing that unless the kids ask for it that none of us would take our bio children over to Bm's place to visit with their step/half siblings.
So a couple more questions:
1. Has your Dh ever mentioned having the "family" together for the holidays?
2. How do you deal with holidays when you DONT have your skids?
3. If your Dh was set on the idea of having all of his kids together, even if it means at Bm's house, what points would you use to try to convince him otherwise?
1. lol This is the point of these blogs.
2. The only holiday, so far, that we have had without Munchkin has been Valentines Day and thats not much of a holiday. We even had her for mother's day last year.
3. I have said that she is no relation to our kids, and that that is supposed to be her time with her daughter. He still seems to think the world will end if we don't see Munchkin on a holiday and that it would be weird to pick her up for an hour or so.
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Your dh is delusional.
Your dh is delusional. There are children all over the world who spend holidays with mom OR dad and survive it. We will not see Creature on Easter. We'll all survive. Why is Munchkin's comfort more important than biochild's comfort? Your dh is being unreasonable and selfish and I suspect it has less to do with Munchkin than it has to do with his own symbiotic desire to spend holidays as a family with Munchkin. There is no way in hell I would ever spend the day with Wingnut with or without my biokids. Her parenting time with Creature is her time and our time is our time, holidays included.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
I have my fingers crossed
I have my fingers crossed that the counsellor we see on Wednesday will crack some of this.
Dh is from a very traditional family who have passed some weird family values down on him. We're trying to get through this, but its hard since we both have some very different ideas on what defines "Family".
Munchkin is part of your
Munchkin is part of your family. She is also part of bm's family. That does NOT make you and dh a family with bm. Hell dh and bm's families never need to intersect. The only person overlapping in those two families is Munchkin. I know my dh would never suggest something so ridiculous, but honestly, if he suggested that all holiday family get togethers had to include Wingnut and Creature, I'd laugh his ass into next week.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
Thetis, THIS is how you
Thetis, THIS is how you should explain it to DH! Perfect wording SVS
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I think I'm going to get him
I think I'm going to get him to read these last two blogs. I don't think he's going to like being called delusional but maybe its what he needs. He's not talking about an all day holiday or anything, I don't know if that is what I'm putting out there, but he is talking about an hour or two at Bm's to open gifts. (Which I don't think should leave our house anyways)
Are you talking about SD's
Are you talking about SD's bday plans?
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
No Bdays are different. I
No Bdays are different. I figure on the bdays we don't have her we can visit because that day is SUPPOSED to be all about her. (If they are in town)
This is more about Christmas and Easter. Nudger will be 5 months at Xmas and Dh has told me that if Bm is in her own place he would like us to go over there so Munchkin can open gifts and visit her baby brother or sister. I really disagree with the idea, but he's pretty much said he'll go alone then. I don't think its fair, to me, to baby, to my extended family or to his extended family. Thats time that could be spent differently. lol This is an issue that came out of our little chat. Its pretty much the only thing we couldn't resolve.
This is what I would suggest
This is what I would suggest to your DH.
BM gets Christmas (morning) with Munchkin on the even years. Dh gets Munchkin Christmas (morning) on the odd years. Whoever doesn't have her that morning, gets her that afternoon and vice versa.
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
That's what we do.
That's what we do. Christmas Eve at 4pm until 2pm on Christmas Day in odd years and Christmas Day at 2pm until the 26th at 2pm.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
why aren't holidays already
why aren't holidays already set out in a parenting plan?
dh is off his rocker. really. i would never take my kid to BMS house. holy hell no well. especially not a christmas. no way in hell.
The parenting plan says that
The parenting plan says that one parent has her one year (we had her last year) and the other parent gets her the next year.
It doesn't specify drop off
It doesn't specify drop off or pick up times?
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Nope, just that the holiday
Nope, just that the holiday week is spent with that part of the family. I'm sure we could talk to Bm about the splitting of the day. I don't think she'd care. She's not a big planner or anything. But her family would probably throw a fit.
x
x
She can open gifts / get
She can open gifts / get Easter baskets, etc when he next sees her. She doesn't have to see them all together in one place. I think it is actually harmful for her to grow up thinking that dh's version of "divorce" is normal and when your baby arrives it will be even more confusing for her (why does Easter bunny, Santa, etc. bring baby gifts to your house, but my gifts to bm's.,etc). She needs to get used to the idea that daddy and mommy are two separate parts of her life. They're both valuable parts, but separate parts. The earlier in her life that he does this, the better! Creature was only 2 when dh and Wingnut split. She is perfectly content with having two Christmases and two Easters and two birthdays, etc.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
Exactly, and who says these
Exactly, and who says these holidays *have* to be celebrated on the actual days?? Make your own traditions with all of you (DH, YOU, Munchkin, baby) as a family. If she has Easter over at BM's house on Easter Sunday, then celebrate Easter all together as a family next time DH has her.
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
1. Yes, but what he means in
1. Yes, but what he means in terms of family would not include BM or any of her relations.
2. All of our holidays are treated the same, we simply have SD or we don't. If we have her, she goes with us. If we don't, we continue on per usual.
3. My DH would never in a million years suggest this, BM is not family to us, nor would she be family to any children we have.
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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."
delete
delete
1. My DH tries to get all
1. My DH tries to get all the skids together on the holidays.....which I find truly exhausting!!! But I can understand wanting to see your kids on the holidays....I suppose.
2. I am one of the most pleasant people in the world and have a fabulous outlook on life when we don't have them! Kidding...kidding. It's the same as usual...go to my parents house.
3. If he wanted to get the kids together at BMs....have at it! I won't be joining though! However I don't really see my DH EVER suggesting that. I did have to attend my SD Sweet 16 b-day party with her BM and ALL of her family. I wanted to die! It was all I could do not to knock back 10 margaritas (party was at the Mexican restaurant). That was excruciatingly painful for me!
****I can do bad all by myself****
lol I'm expecting for Bdays
lol I'm expecting for Bdays to be a shared thing once Munchkin gets to school. Our Bm is pretty easy to get along with though when she's not being an idiot. Her family.... now thats a different story. lol
SDs BM is ok...I mean to my
SDs BM is ok...I mean to my face anyway. She plays the nice little mommy role well around me. Now behind my back...totally different woman!!! She thinks she has me fooled....stupid stupid woman.
****I can do bad all by myself****
I gotta laugh because Bm
I gotta laugh because Bm will try to play mommy but Sd will not listen, then if I tell sd to do something (or stop doing something) she'll listen.
Oh my SD and her BM could be
Oh my SD and her BM could be one in the same. They are both spoiled rotten, money hungry bitches. SD is always Mommmmmyyyyy this or Mommmmyyy that. I really want to stick my foot in her mouth! She will be 17 this month and she still does that crap. She does it to DH too (when she bothers to see or talk to him). It makes me want to smack her and tell her to grow up. She has a terrible habit of baby talking that makes my skin crawl!!!!
****I can do bad all by myself****
My DH would love to have all
My DH would love to have all of his kids for every holiday too, but that's just not reality. Most holidays we get to see SS for a few hours. Or we celebrate on another day so SS can be there with the rest of the family. There is NO REASON ON EARTH that I should be subjected to BM just b/c DH wants all of his kids together. Not gonna happen. EVER!
To answer your questions..;
1. Sure, mostly for Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas
2. Choose a different day to celebrate (we're having Easter dinner tomorrow instead of Sunday). If the holiday is too depressing without skids, maybe celebrate sooner so DH doesn't feel bad for missing a special day.
3. If DH insists that all kids be together, then you need to meet on neutral territory. NOT BM's house! Go to a restaurant, maybe a picnic at a park. Anywhere but BM's house!
I am sorry, and I hate to
I am sorry, and I hate to say this, and I REALLY hope I am not projecting here (forgive me if I am) but after reading this, and your responses, and then thinking about your previous blogs and all that... After stepping back and taking in the whole situation...
I think your BF is smoking some really good weed, and I would like to know his supplier.
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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."
Don't you be bogarting it.
Don't you be bogarting it.
oh to answer the other
oh to answer the other question...what do we do when we do not have kids (even years for thanksgiving and easter-- we always have xmas eve and morning)....we LOVE IT. holy god. we usually host when we have kid...on the off year we go to someone in the family (easter mine, thanksgiving him) and bring a dish..go home...drink wine and sleep. AMAZING! we give sd her basket ahead of time...and if we do not have thanksgiving with her..oh well, she gets a call.
1. Has your Dh ever
1. Has your Dh ever mentioned having the "family" together for the holidays?
Not really - we just celebrate when the kids are here
2. How do you deal with holidays when you DONT have your skids?
We pretty much always have the kids on Thanksgiving and then we split Christmas/Christmas Eve. But like this year, we have the kids for Easter. If we didn't we would do the same thing as if they were here. As far as birthdays go, we will have our own party earlier if we know they won't be here on their birthday or for BS birthday, we'd have his party when skids were over.
3. If your Dh was set on the idea of having all of his kids together, even if it means at Bm's house, what points would you use to try to convince him otherwise?
BM is not part of your family. If he wants the kids all together, they should come over to your house without BM. My DH and I have talked a little about SS graduation and we said that if we're all going to host it, we'd have it at a neutral place NOT at BM's house...TOO UNCOMFORTABLE!!!
1. Has your Dh ever
1. Has your Dh ever mentioned having the "family" together for the holidays?
No way! BM nor DH would ever do this! We plan our family stuff she is here when she is here. We don't plan around her (SD).
2. How do you deal with holidays when you DONT have your skids?
The same as when she is here! I nor DH make any special accomadations.
3. If your Dh was set on the idea of having all of his kids together, even if it means at Bm's house, what points would you use to try to convince him otherwise?
He is an idiot.