Why do these men expect us to "get over" the crap that their precious daughters have pulled and act as though there was no damage done? SMH! My SO "forgets" what SD9 does wrong... until she does it again, of course. When I doubt her because of past lies and sneakiness, he thinks that I'm mean for not giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not naive like him. I've learned how SD works and I'm not in denial about it like my SO is.

I don't think it's unreasonable that you may never fully trust  your SD again. It is extremely difficult to build trust after it's been broken. As for letting go of resentment, that will happen in time. Just don't be hard on yourself for feeling how you feel.

It isn't the initial act.  It is the cover-up and the lies that cause the real damage.  When those actions lasted for a long time before being discovered and there is no real acknowledgment of the serious wrongdoing, it is almost impossible to rebuild full trust.  How can you when it is very reasonable to think that they will do it again since there is no proof that they grasp the damage done?  It causes you to be "on alert" even when you are not consciously thinking about it.  Once you feel that your spouse is someone that you need to protect yourself from in any way, it is very difficult to shake the oppressive cloud over your head.

Trust is earned. He needs to be transparent with you and prove that he is upholding his promises to you, whatever they maybe.  Instead of feeling annoyed or shame over being check on , he should find pride in keeping his word. Eventually he should be able to earn back 99% of trust.  That takes time and consistency.  Trust is too fragile a thing to treat it carelessly as he did and takes a long time to earn it back. 

He wants you to "get over it" because your facial expression likely made him feel guilty all over again. He's all about his own comfort.

You might never "get over it," but you might forgive him. And that's enough.

I have two sort of similar issues: 

1) DH wildly overspent on something stupid and also hid the spending. I told him that my trust was broken and he needed to make up for it, but he still acts like a hurt child and asks me when I will "get over it" when I ask him to provide me information on his spending. He also doesn't seem to think that he should have to make up for the large sum of money that he frittered away, by cutting his spending in other areas. It's an ongoing battle. I think what prevents us from fully moving forward is that DH is ashamed of what he did, so he would rather avoid dealing with it, but that means that I just have to sit with it and my only option is to hold it over his head forever or move on without feeling like my needs for trust are being addressed. Yes, it stinks for him that he has to feel bad about this, but he's the one who made the mistake, not me and he does have to make up for it. 

2) DH and I are at an impasse over his family. They completely undermine DH with BM all the time and both his mother and brother got way to involved in support of BM during the last mediation and also both had conversations with her about how I'm the problem (based solely on BM's lies about me). I don't trust either of them...and to be honest, I don't like either of them very much, either. DH has spent a lifetime excusing bad behavior on the part of others, so he doesn't understand why I can't "get over it" like he does (I would argue that he's not really over it, but is just pretending). Neither MIL nor BIL ever apologized, in fact, they both blamed DH saying they "had to get involved" because DH doesn't care about his children enough. In reality, MIL was just using the conflict to her advantage and ignoring clear boundaries set by DH (because she generally ignores boundaries to get what she wants). BIL was just being the "savior", I suspect because his wife is still incensed (8 years later) that DH had the nerve to get a divorce. Neither cares that BM is an abusive harpy who is not above making false accusations to appear to be the victim and neither one cares that BM is not above pulling SSs into the undertow of her borderline rage against DH. Neither one even asked DH what was going on. I don't accept their behavior and I won't move on from it. I'm cordial to both of them, but that's where it ends. I don't seek either of them out and spend the bare minimum amount of time with them. I don't keep DH from seeing them and in my view, I shouldn't have to change my bad feelings to make him feel better about his sh&tty family. This is a constant struggle for us, especially because I believe he lets them say untrue mean things about me as well. I've talked to a counselor about this one for over a year, because it's become such a pain point for me. I feel silent and I also feel like I'm compromising myself every time I'm around these people. DH always accuses me of "hating" his family. He's not wrong. I don't like them and I don't trust them. 

I agree with you that the person who has been aggrieved is not just going to wake up one more and have moved on. There needs to be some restoration for that person. Putting the "moving on" on the person hurt only further absolves the bad actor from responsiblity. However, if the person who was in the wrong refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing or refuses to take responsibility for making things right, even if they acknowledge they did wrong, then you're kind of at an impasse. I've been focusing on working on myself, but I have floated the idea of going back to a couples counselor with DH. 

Im 75 and have been married to DH for 46 years.  He was a Disney dad and we had/still have a needy mini-wife.  We have been thru everything with 5 kids, 2 of mine + 3 of his.  Over the years, he overdid for SD mostly, but also occasionally for others, behind my back.  I turned a blind eye for the most part but after SD used drugs, lied, stole, robbed a neighbor and made our lives hell for 10 months, we moved her out and separated our finances.  I can't forget that he couldnt/wouldnt stop her, defended her, and denied the seriousness of what was happening.  I know he cares deeply for her, sees her weaknesses, worries about her.  I get all that and I forgive him (forgiving her is another story).  But i don't plan to forget.  I watch the finances more carefully now and have some contingency plans. You ask if i will ever fully trust again.  No.

I'm over it. 

I've put up boundaries everywhere.  I've given DH an allowance, if he wants to spend his play money on indulging SD, he's welcome to.  I no longer put myself in a position where DH can abandon me or my kids to coddle SD when she is throwing temper tantrums.  So, she, for the most part, doesn't go on anywhere with us where I have to either know where DH is at, or depend on him to help supervise our kids.  She starts crying and he loses his mind.
 

 I have absolutely nothing to do with SD, she loves to bully me or manipulate me, I can't stand either, so I don't engage her in conversation, I don't greet her, nothing.  If she is messing with my kids' heads, then I shut her down, but for the most part she's a good big sister.  I wish her the best in life, but have zero interest in being a part of it.

I honestly feel that my husband having the surprise kid is equal to infidelity. I relate more to betrayed wife forums where there's a baby born from an affair.

Thankfully my husband's family and most of my family take a similar view. All I want is for this to not affect my own family life and future plans, and to be legally protected from BM (ie. She can't speak to me or try to bring me up in court proceedings). It's going to take me years to fully "get over" this and if it actually starts controlling my behavior will probably lead to a divorce.

 My DH also had/has the secret money meeting where he "loans" his sons money. Never gets any back but I guess our definition of loan is different.  DH was a bachelor for over a decade before we got together so being held accountable by anyone was something to get used to.  I don't trust the man 100% with money, never will, that's why we have joint accounts for bills, savings, etc, but he also has his own account that I don't question. I see some of his OT money going in there and that's fine because he worked hard to earn it.  I have no doubt that some of that money goes to buy his sons affection but it's his business if he wants to work hard so that his adult child doesn't have to.  I also have my own separate checking and other accounts that don't have his name on them.  

It took time to let it go but mainly the realization that I don't own or control him. He has a lot of freedom with me.  He gets to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with his kids/grands/ex/family/friends...whoever, but it cannot encrouch on my boundaries. I've also made it clear that I have those same freedoms.  

People are all flawed, hence the divorces, broken families, poor parenting. Your DH was a dumb@$$ before you married him, but he was someone else's dumb@$$.  Now he's all yours! Yay.  I don't think you have to trust someone 100%. He's shown you who he is, beleive him and act accordingly.  Can't trust disney daddee with money then make sure that your money is protected.  Auto pay bills as soon as checks are deposited, sock money away in CD's before he can blow it.  Take charge of your castle Queen!  Poster above mentioned an allowance, love it. Let him blow his play money trying to buy his daughters love rather than actually parenting her.  Trust him to do what's best for himself with his relationship with SD then step back and let reap his rewards. Either he's going to get a spoiled entitled brat or a good kid if he actually puts in effort.

About your face, just act confused when he thinks he's got your every little expression figured out. Your eyebrow twitched so that means you hate my kid! Nah honey, I'm having gas.  Gotta run to the bathroom, be back!  Screw him and his psychobullship.  

He is an atm to them and thats all they see him good for and to pull strings or favors

i made it very clear to my husband even a quarter of the crap i had to tolerate these 5.5+ years is beyond unacceptable. His kids enjoy abusing me and my kids, demeaning us, causing issues in our marriage which my husband allowed.

i finally disengaged end of 2018. About 12 months of no contact with skids including ss21 who lives in our marital home when not at university, the sd’s tried guilting my hubby as abandoning them and that bio mum abandoned them since 1.5 yrs prior. 

All crap since they were on good terms barely a few months prior. My husband told me to forgive and go along with the 1 big happy family and I politely told him to handle his kids behaviour that having a good relationship entails his kids being pleasant and not abusive. That his kids behaviour has been a major reason i have considered divorce on several occasions and next time do not stupidly ask me for forgiving them when they have done nothing to deserve my time, patience, attention or forgiveness