Update to DH being an ass

6 days. DH didn't talk to me for 6 DAYS after getting mad because I challenged what he told SS16 about eating the messiest meal I make in his room because he was sick, when there was no need for him to since he would have the entire downstairs/kitchen to himself. DH got mad. I followed him into the garage to discuss- that was probably my bad. There's no talking to DH once he's upset, but I still try.

Anyway. After 6 days I was absolutely done with the silent treatment and told DH so. We're adults, and I'm not going to be ignored by my husband. I told him at this point he's just punishing me, and he knows how much I hate conflict like this. He said he was just "so mad" at me for once again "arguing" what he told SS, and that it was nice to not have me challenging him for a while. Then he said I chased after him and was aggressive and in his face and that is what really upset him. I honestly don't think I did that, but I also realize that we often aren't totally aware of how our actions come across. For my part, I said I would be more aware and not try to chase after him when he's upset, and keep a distance so as not to be perceived as "aggressively in his face".

For DH's part, well he's totally faultless in all of this. He definitely isn't quick to anger, especially when it comes to me disagreeing with anything skid-related. He has every right to be angry! If I would just stop challenging things with skids, even when it's directly related to the home that is also mine, then he wouldn't be angry. He couldn't have handled the situation with SS any better.

I. Just. Can't.

These are things he actually said. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told him, listen DH- you may think you are faultless, but I'm telling you right now that I was mad also, because your level of anger is not commensurate with the situation, and you get angry so quick you don't even let me finish talking. That's a problem. I don't like it, and it's been happening frequently the past few months. So if it's a problem for me, then it's a problem for us, and you don't get to just ignore it and blow it off and blame everything on me- you need to work on this yourself, and practice patience. If he had even 1/4 of the patience for me as he has for SS16, we would be golden.

One of his points was how I "always say no to things with skids rooms". He wanted to hang a huge shelf in SD13's room to put her lego sets on (already built, but years ago). I didn't think it was a good idea- why put holes in the wall for something that SD doesn't even play with anymore? She's 13, she's already over legos, she just isn't quite ready to break down the sets. DH rearranged SD's room on Sat when we weren't talking. She had asked me about it one day, but with windows on 2 walls and a closet on the other, options are limited. He moved her bed from the one wide open wall, to the wall with the window we put the A/C unit In. So now her bed is shoved in a corner agains the window, and the A/C will blow on her from 6" away. He said if he had told me he was rearranging her room, I would have had some reason for him not to do it. It's called LOGIC DH. He just wants to say yes, even when it doesn't make sense. But i would have been open to discussing it, and wouldn't have really cared if he did it. But he doesn't want to discuss it, he just wants to do it. He mentioned how SS16 (a Jr. in high school) wanted to paint his room a dark color and I said no. While that conversation didn't even happen (SS never wanted to paint it dark- he actually suggested a neutral color, and I said sure, and DH wasn't even there for that conversation and I'm the one who told him about it, so he wouldn't even know!!), although if it had, yes I would have said no. Why would he paint his room a dark color less than 2yrs before he leaves for college?? Then it will become a guest room/his room for when he comes back, but I want it more of a neutral color, and I sure as hell am not painting it again. I feel like I have fair, logical points that are not at all "I don't want skids to have anything"!, but that's how DH takes it. Because I'm the bad guy.

We ended the convo with me googling how to hide a body and both of us promising to work on our parts, but it wasn't without re-hashing and arguing a few things all over again. I absolutely think we can benefit from Counseling, but I also know when that suggestion will be received well, and it wasn't going to be yesterday. I may just get the ball rolling and tell him I've already started the process.

At least skids have been great this week- thankfully, since we're at the halfway point of their 3wk stay, and I couldn't handle much else. I'm not convinced SS is following the bedtime DH gave him, but idgaf at this point. DH will be changing shifts next week so he will be around to deal with that now/ his new shift is 2 weeks on 2nd shift, 2 weeks on 1st, rotating. No more 3rd shift, after 6+ years!! We will be sleeping together every night, which will be an adjustment. He will also be home to handle it if SS is staying up too late.

Side note, A few people commented about SS trying to start arguments and that I shouldn't allow him in our house. I'm not sure if I gave the wrong impression, but SS didn't really do anything. He didn't ask to eat in his room, DH told him to. He does stay up past his bedtime, doesn't shut his bedroom door or occasionally do something DH tells him to do - that's annoying but normal. Other than that, he is a really good kid. All kids are annoying to me, but overall He's great. Has a job, taking advanced classes and even put in for a college class for next semester, never goes out or gets in trouble, is always respectful to me, does his chores. It's not really his fault, DH is the issue.

Kudos if you made it this far! This was quite the lengthy update.

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What a juvenile POS.

Why do you tolerate this pre-pubescent infant as your mate?

From the sound of what you shared, your SS is far more of a man than your idiot DH is.

smh

This was more of an issue in

This was more of an issue in our early years together, but It has improved tremendously in the past few years- we have arguments, but talk and move past it. DH is always overly sensitive about SK's, which I don't see changing, so I need to disengage from more convos about skids. One wouldn't think it would have to be this way, but Nacho'ing is really to prevent fights, so apparently that's where we're at. Recently, DH has started to revert back to the "quick to anger" habit, and I don't know why, but It needs to change.

Reading your post brought

Reading your post brought back bad memories of my recent former life with my ex and his manchild. I also was given the silent treatment when I even tried to gently suggest something for SS that his daddy didn't like. In any case, the silent treatment is never okay, nor is being berated for you simply trying to guide and parent, which is what is sounds like you were doing. I agree with your no food in the room rule. It sounds like DH just wants to give the kids whatever they want, which sets a bad precedent for things to come.

My heart goes out to you as I have been in your shoes. It sucks. You should be able to voice your opinion, make suggestions, etc, and discuss the stepkids with husband without fear of an argument.

I hope things work out - disengagement and nacho'ing helps but doesn't completely rid one of the frustration when witnessing things that simply shouldn't be happening.

I 100% agree this is a DH problem.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted!

Thank you! DH is a conundrum-

Thank you! DH is a conundrum- he is strict on some things, overly lax on others, and we don't agree on which things those should be. Things that are important to me, he has no concern with. He used to care more about no food in the bedrooms- in fact that was his rule after SS spilled sriracha, but that was 3yrs ago and DH has no memory, so he isn't worried about that anymore. He says the cats have ruined our carpet more now- I had to point out that it's not just about the carpet- it's about food in there, and we currently have fruit flies from when we went on vacay for 2 weeks and there was a bag of potatoes that went bad... and we get ants occasionally! NO NEED for food in their room. They are allowed to have candy, that's plenty.

That is the hardest part about disengagement and nacho'ing....you're still witnessing these things that make you want to scream.

Thanks for your support *smile*

The silent treatment from your DH is abuse

It is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse. He is using it to control your behaviour. Its a mean way to treat you.

This would be a do or die -

This would be a do or die - counseling or divorce time for me. I would seriously consider exiting this relationship. Please have some extra stashed away in case you need to make a run for it. I have a strong feeling this is just the beginning & things will get worse.

"If I would just stop challenging things with skids ... then he wouldn't be angry." - this is a classic abusers statement & horrifying.

The silent treatment is unacceptable. By grade school, we should have learned how to better handle our emotions. He is always responsible for his emotions, not you.

If he "just wants to do things" without consulting you - that's not partnership.

"He couldn't have handled the situation with SS any better." - classic narcissist.

You deserve better.

I do agree with these points.

I do agree with these points. And I do not accept his ridiculous statements of him not being able to handle things better or he is totally justified in his anger. When he says these things I ask, do you hear yourself right now?? But, this is not the norm, so cutting and running after a few weeks of him getting angry at me for ridiculous things is a bit extreme. I call him on it and will give him a chance to move forward and get back to the place we have been in, where instead of getting angry over every ridiculous thing, we work on things when they come up and do not give each other the silent treatment. However, I am not a doormat, and will absolutely not live in an environment where one person causes unhappiness and refuses to work on it for an extended period of time. As much as I love him and can't imagine not being with him, I also need to be happy, and I can do that without BS like this and skids to boot.

Let me preface this by saying

Let me preface this by saying that your DH was still an arse and needs to make some adjustments. But a few things popped out to me for you, too, because I can see similar in myself.

There are certain things with SKs that we, as SPs, just can't and shouldn't try to control. Rearranging furniture in an SK bedroom would be one of them. Your DH shouldn't need to discuss that with you because it has less to do with logic and more to do with preference. It may not be how you would do it, but it doesnt make it wrong or bad or illogical.

Now, putting holes in or painting walls that you help pay for is an entirely different story. It can impact home value at worst and can be expensive to "fix" at best. Where you could be problematic here, though, is in not being willing to come to a compromise. If your only reaction to painting walls a dark colors is "no" versus discussing an accent wall or a lighter version of the color or changing out light bulbs so the room is darker, then you have to learn to be flexible or put it back on DH to repay you any lost value based on the decision he makes (easier said than done, I know).

For some reason your DH thinks you'll try to control every situation and leave him with no say. Is there some truth to that? Is your immediate reaction to say "no" when it comes to SKs? Do you always assume the worst out of their intentions and react accordingly even if there is no evidence to support it? It's very, very easy as a SP, especially one who frequents this board, to see the worst in their situation and their SKs, which isn't fair to them or our partner. We have to be okay with things not being 100% our way and letting our partner make mistakes as a parent even if we see it coming a mile away. What we can control is our actions, which is where disengagement comes in.

Now, don't take that as me defending your DH giving you the silent treatment or blamimg everything on you. He needs a swift kick in the rear to understand that he is allowed to be frustrated and mad BUT he has to approach it differently. If he REALLY thinks you're being too controlling over things, he needs to say that and you need to be willing to listen as to how that is impacting your marriage. What he is doing is perpetuating a cycle where he thinks he is 100% right which will just make you defensive and start to take a similar stance. Then you both can't talk about it because you both assume the other is going to be a stick in the mud.

So, while his delivery was beyond piss-poor, see if there are any nuggets in what he said that could push you to be a better partner. Note, this isn't to placate him; this is to help improve your marriage. He has to be able to do the same, but whether he does or not is on him. You'll either see where you can improve or realize that what he wants/needs out of this marriage isn't feasible/healthy.

So, setting aside DH's BS,

So, setting aside DH's BS, which we all have agreed is not acceptable (silent treatment)- I do not want to be the person who thinks they do no wrong and is blameless. I genuinely want to improve my own self, so I really appreciate your well-thought out response, and as I read it and reflected on my own responses to DH and conversations regarding skids, there probably is some truth in it.

This particular paragraph has me thinking:

Do I always say no? No. But do I think DH has a tendency to say yes too much, and I may try to counteract that by saying no. Not always, there are times I'm on skids side, but...I also try to get involved before DH makes those parenting mistakes, so I'm sure that does feel like I'm always taking the opposite stance as him. I think your point about disengagement is what I was originally thinking, but this just adds to the reasoning- rather than being the person that always says no, if I'm not always putting my opinion in the mix to try and steer things a certain way, DH can make mistakes and have a say and really WHY do I want to be involved in half this crap anyway?

I meant to put on my original post also, (before it turned into a Novella) that I was talking to a friend about DH's reaction/silent treatment, and she said she is definitely the one who won't talk to her husband after they fight and she thinks she is at least partially right but doesn't want to keep fighting about it- not because she's trying to punish him, but because she is just frustrated with it and done talking about it and needs to be away from it. She realized from this incident that it's not a great response and she needs to work on that, but she could understand why he decided to go silent (not for 6 days- no one is on board with that crap). Not defending DH, but it's interesting to hear other people's experiences in similar situations.

You have given me lots to think about- I truly appreciate your advice!

I'm so glad it was helpful!

I'm so glad it was helpful! DH and I have had a few come-to-Jesus chats regarding his parenting style versus my want to control things, especially when I see it ending horribly. Sometimes it does end horribly. Other times DH's judgment was right.

I am not anywhere close to totally disengaged, but I have definitely learned to pick my battles. The more I stepped away from trying to control things, the more either I realized things were fine or DH realized he might need to rethink his approach. Now I often just go to DH with any complaints I have and let him handle it, and he is usually much faster at handling it than if I tried to brow-beat him about it or take matters into my own hands.

Most recent example: the SK bathroom. Being pregnant, I can smell the teen stink a mile away. I had asked YSK to clean it once and it didn't happen. Cool - go right to DH and tell him I asked, it didn't get cleaned, and the smell is bothering me. He immediately got up, checked the bathroom, saw it was a disaster, and pulled YSK out to clean it.

In the past, I would have flung open the bathroom door, listed off the 400 things that need to be cleaned, figuratively dragged YSK out of their room to clean it, and went on a rant to DH about it. DH would then get upset with me for being too upset and would then either clean the bathroom for SKs or told SKs he would deal with it, all while being mad at me about it. I didn't dirty the bathroom, but my attitude toward the bathroom being dirty and reaction to both the SKs and DH would make me the bad guy (even though the kids know what the standards are for a clean bathroom and are old enough to know better).

What I can control is not using that bathroom. What I can control is telling DH there is a problem. What I can control is what I'll do if it isn't handled - whether that be clean it myself or hire someone to clean it. If it gets to that point, THEN I'll be mad because then the problem is having my needs in the home I pay for be disrespected. I have learned how to not care how something gets done so long as it gets done.

If your SS wants to paint his room, it's perfectly acceptable to say "sure but..." and put a stipulation like it needs to be painted back when SS moves out. Now, DH can paint it back or he can hire someone to do it. But if you have to be the one to do it, you'll be upset and feel disrespected. Hopefully your DH has enough respect for you that he'd see this as a reasonable compromise. If he doesn't, then it won't matter much what you say or do because the issue runs deeper than a wall or SKs.

So many flashbacks for me too

So many flashbacks for me too after reading your post. (Well some are still happening so I guess thay arent really flashbacks).

I remember when we first moved in together and I wanted a no eating her room policy for SD. Of course DH had an issue with that Thank God SD is neat, doesn't eat much in there anywasy and has never had a meal in there.

Luckily he doesn't get involved in her room but I am about to change the hall bathroom upstairs (the one she uses) with a new shower curtain, rugs accessories etc. How pathetic I cant just tell DH what I will be doing. NOPE! I have to treat it a a stratigic game! I figured out howto do it though (Thank God!). I am telling SD what I am doing then changing everything one daywhen he isnt here. She has had the same stuff in there since we moved into this house and her rugs are fallng apart, the had soap thing is broken and I am just tired of looking at a teal bathroom. Like you I like nuetral colors.

As for the shelf thing - Cant she put other stuff on them as she gets older?

Oh and I sounds like you guys can go days without talking becuase you arent sleeping together. Hopefuly now that you will be every night fights wont last as long.

Oh and this part of your blog I have cut and pasted and intend to put it into a letter to DH someday. (Letters are the onyl way can calmly tell him how I am feeling. When we talk face to face he tries to ver talk me, cut me off and get defensive):

"DH- you may think you are faultless, but I'm telling you right now that I was mad also, because your level of anger is not commensurate with the situation, and you get angry so quick you don't even let me finish talking. That's a problem. I don't like it, and it's been happening frequently the past few months. So if it's a problem for me, then it's a problem for us, and you don't get to just ignore it and blow it off and blame everything on me- you need to work on this yourself, and practice patience."

Finally - I love how men try to say we are being aggressive just becuase we are holding our ground and speaking up. I swear all men want a Stepford Wife!!!!!!!!

Yes!

That's exactly what I told him! I said, you just want a robot wife who will never disagree with you. "Yes DH, whatever you say DH". He disagreed, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind it. He claims he's open to me having a differing opinion, and we do have conversations like that where it's not a fight, but that I do it SO much that it's frustrating.

Lieutenant Dad's response has me thinking, so I definitely think I have some work to do on my end in that regard. And to your point- yes she could put stuff on a shelf as she gets older. My hesitation was these legos take up a lot of room and he's talking about hanging them on a shelf, so I'm envisioning this huge shelf. I probably should have just asked more questions or talked about a solution or options with him, rather than pretty much shutting it down. So I probably could have handled it better.

And yep, with DH working 3rd shift, it's soo easy to go days without talking. We really only see each other for 20 mins a day sometimes. There was a wknd in the mix this time, which is where it became BS, because then we were strategically avoiding each other once he made it clear he didn't want to talk. I would sit outside, when he went to nap I would come in. I would get up in the morning, he would leave for a few hours. Just ridiculous.

What would your DH's problem be with putting new things in the bathroom?? He would hate me, I'm always getting new things for bathrooms and the kitchen. lol.

And that paragraph you mentioned was what finally made DH get off his "holier than thou" pedestal. Because it's not all about if he thinks he's right, it's about how WE feel also. If you're making your spouse feel like crap, you need to figure out why and fix it.

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Update to DH being an ass

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