Disengaging
So i have heard mention several times on this site about disengaging and how effective it is. So after an issue this last weeked I suggested that to my SO. We have his kids every other week and when they are with us it's the me me me show. SO has a BD(6) and a BS(4). All day on the weekends all you hear in the house id daddy, daddy, daddy, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, daddy, daddy, daddy. It drives me nuts. We don't get anytime to spend together until they're finally asleep. I can't even sit with him on the couch and watch a movie. So his response to my suggestion is I don't want a part time wife. Reall?!! Because I'm already marrying a part time husband.
The only difference between what's going on now and my suggestion is that I'm choosing it. I'm making the choice to be ignored. It's just so infuriating when SO doesn't get it. I get puched to the side becuase and I quote, "I only get them every other week", and I'm expected to be accepting and happy about it. But don't disengage. We can't have that. It just doesn't make any since.
Have any of you ever gone through similar situations with your SO and his kids? What about when you brought up disengaging? How did he act? Is disengaging the right thing to do?
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Yes I totally was in your
Yes I totally was in your situation. The only thing that made it change was that his daughter came to live with us full time bc BM moved across the country. All of a sudden, it wasn't so special and awesome bc she's here w us 24/7. No more guilt parenting. It took a good couple of months though for the honeymoon between him and her to wear off. Now she's expected to clean up after herself and do things around the house whereas before she said "I'm thirsty" and he'd have 5 different drink choices ready for her. AHHHHHH I know how you feel. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer, just sympathy...
We have the step-kids every
We have the step-kids every other weekend. Two girls, 4 and 6. Very behavioral, whiney, delayed... It's hell. Absolute hell. They lay all over their father, insist on sleeping with him (he sleeps on the couch with them), play with his hair, rub his back, following him around the house... I can't get next to him AT ALL. If he hugs or kisses me they get jealous and run over to him and wrap themselves around him.
The way I chose to deal with it exceeds disengaging... I put in that "family time" on friday nights (but I arrive home late around 7 or 8 pm and retire to the bedroom with our 6 month old son around 9, 9:30pm... I just sit there with the baby like a bump on the log, and pretend to be half interested in the disgusting 3 ring circus that goes on in my home on weekends they're around.
Saturday's I hangout... I use the baby "napping" as my trump card to retire to the bedroom for a few hours during the day. If we have plans, I go, but it's always strained and pressured and "fake"...but we get through it. His kids are so difficult to handle, outings are stressful and a waste of time, he's so stressed out...
Sundays are MY days. Me and my son are up and out of the house by 10am THE LATEST and I don't arrive back home until I know he's on his way to drop the kids off at their Mother's house...
He hates that this goes on, but he sees I "keep my sanity". He claims he doesn't have a son or a wife or a family when his kids are around. He says they don't get to spend time with their brother.
He's right. But, I'm very honest with my husband and I told him that on weekends his kids are here, I feel left out, jealous, hurt, unimportant and invisible. It's NOT a "weekend" for me when they're around and Sunday's with my son, away from them, are my refuge. It HURTS him to hear it, but honesty is honesty and who can argue with that?