Communication question
SDs mom texts her constantly throughout the day when she is with us asking what she is doing, how is she, is she ok? How does everyone else feel about this? I feel it is a little intrusive on the very little time we get with her which is currently every other weekend now that school is back in. At one point every time her mom did that she complained so her mom would reward her when she got home. She told her she would take her out to eat and get ice cream since she was having a hard time (mind you she's overweight and has blood pressure issues at 10). If she doesn't message her constantly she's perfectly fine and always says she's had a good time and wants to stay with us. I let my son have his time at his dads and usually only text when I have a question or to ask when I'm getting him because he's a little more reliable in answering than his dad. Unless he's gone for a week or more I'll call once in the middle of the week to see how he's doing. But SD is constantly answering g her phone throughout the day and every time she says oh it's my mom I'll be right back and leaves us to text her. She did this about 9 times yesterday. Can I get some input? Her dad just rolls his eyes when she's not around obviously but won't say much to her mom. Thankfully my ex doesn't do this to our son either.
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I'd suggest taking the phone
I'd suggest taking the phone when she arrives and allowing her a 5/10 minute call every evening. What bm is doing is generally frowned on because she's interfering in the other parent's time. She shouldn't be allowed to be constantly "present".
I agree with taking her phone
I agree with taking her phone.
BM asking SD how she is and if she's okay, implies that she is not safe at your house, with her own dad. It's emotional manipulation, giving SD the okay to go into victim mode, complain, then get rewarded.
It's a subtle way to alienate her from you and your husband. In the back of SD's mind, if BM is so worried about her when she's at your house, there must be a reason.
Thank you
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks this. But sadly when we limit her phone time her mom goes nuts. Says we can't do that. But my DH says our house our rules. It's hard to limit her time when she lives on that phone at her moms house. May be easier to limit time now that they are back in school.
This is a classic
PAS technique basically implying that the father does not know how to look after his own child without the ever-present BM helicoptering.
Get something in the CO very specific that says phone time is 5 to 10 minutes a day possibly even specifying the time of day when child is with the other parent STAT!
Take away the phone and block BM
Let her go nuts. Who is she going to call if she blocked. ? Not you. You must stop this ASAP
It only gets harder to take the phone away
So we used to take the phone away, as SD got older this became more difficult, it's not just BM but friends too that she wants to talk to/text. It was a constant argument and not how we wanted to spend time with the skids locked in this constant battle over the phone.
We did put it in perspective for SD though (repeatedly), dad only calls you once the whole time you're with your mom, so why does your mom need to call/text so much? You never have much to talk about when your dad calls, we don't ask you to report every last thing you do when you're with your mom, why is she asking for that? Does your mom think you're not safe here? Why does your mom think you're not ok here? Does she say you're not safe here?
As she's gotten older, SD has started putting the phone down and even turning it off herself, she's not interested in reporting every last thing she does to her mom anymore and she has to talk to her mom every other day anyway with the court orders, mom is entitled to HER phone calls!!
That was a long rant, but if it is not actively interfering with your time with SD, if the contact with BM isn't affecting her mood or willingness to do things with you, if she doesn't get off the phone angry, scared, negative, then maybe let it roll off and just question her as to why it needs to be so much.
If it is impacting your house, her attitude/behavior, then dad needs to send a strongly worded email to BM outlining what behaviors the constant texting/calling is causing and asking her to reign it in. If she won't, at least emails would give him a trail to show for a CO limiting contact.
Hijacking your time
Someone put it well - BM is hijacking your time with SD, and in effect is diverting her attention. She couldnt imagine that your SD would be at all happy with you guys. Its another way that bio parents try to dominate and "be the favorite parent". Plus it is very intrusive as to "what is the other parent up to".., DH has had to tell SD15 backstabber many times that she doesnt need to report what we are doing. Unless abuse is going on, then of course it must be reported, but this constant calling and texting is obnoxiious.
Toxic Troll Bm sometimes does this - especially when there are problems or issues with SD22 Feral Forger. TT likes to converse with her about it for a while, because they are "in it together, us against FF!"
Narcissistic Triangulation. Co dependency. Ick.