It lasted only a week!

Hi guys heres an update. BM still not locked up no surprise there!!!!!! Monday she had a PO visit in the town next to ours and she decided to stop to spend time with SK. She pulled up and DH if she can see SK. Of course you can, we do not deny her from see/visiting but he WILL NOT go to where ever BM is. Well SK came out and she gave him a hug and then left( such quality time). DH told me about iyias soon as it got home. NO BIGGIE, I said thank you and brushed it off. Earlier that week I did notice multiple calls from an unsaved number and i had my suspicion that is was BM. Today it wa confirmed that it was BM calling from someone's phone. I was not surprised but I felt betrayed. If he tells me about her stopping by but not about the calls I wonder why not say anything? She called on a Monday and the first call was not answetan, second call was and had a 10 aecose convo thereafter the number was blocked.

Here are the thoughts running wild in my head..... Why not tell me..... Yes i know 10 sec convo is not long and he did block the number......so again why not say anything about it to me!!!!!? Maybe hes has something to hide..... Maybe he doesnt want the pissed off me back....... Has my attitude and my lash-outs been that bad that he keeps things from me? Im sure he thinks what she don't know wont caus an argument. Well I find out days later and I'm hurt by it. It leads me to detach all over again. Im in my feelings right now because i am hurt by his decision to not to communicate. Yes it is a small thing and some of you may think I'm overreacting but IT IS A BIG THING TO ME! In the beginning iItold him the only was we can be a success is that he always keeps an open line of communication about BM. Not every little thing, at this point (PO, CPS, cont.meth use, threats, harrasment by her family and friends) Everything about BM is a big deal to me.

Now last we fought i did say I was going to pack a bag and stay at my moms until he gets her on one of thoes dog catcher muzzle and leash. Shut it down before it starts, stand firm on your decision to cut her off when it does not have to do with coparenting. He needs to straighten out all that BM drama because i do not have to be here and deal with it.

I'm not running or leaving him as he thinks. I'm simply doing the only right thing for me to do and it is removing Myself from a situation before I go and do something STUPID. It will feel good but it will not change or resolve anything. Now I am thinking about packing a bag again and rhisttime following through. I know it's Thanksgiving this week and don't want that knid of holiday for him or I. BUT MAN I NEED HIM TO KNOW THIA CANT KEEP GOING ON, IM LOOSING HOPE.

Anyone offer sound and honest advice? Thanks everyone, this site has helped me vent, get advice even if it is not what I want to her.

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Only advice is

You are totally right. He can not keep secret from you about BM. Whatever he’s doing there still some connection he has with BM. You can not have this woman in your family life. Your SO may never get it

So what did you want him to

So what did you want him to do? Tell you and then you feel like your home is violated? Or that he can't control the chaos?

Or not tell you, ignore the calls except one where he likely told her to stop and blocked the number?

You can't give him a no-win situation. He tells you and you'll get upset that she's calling. He doesn't tell you and you get upset that he isn't saying anything. Somewhere he has to have a win for doing the right thing, and you need to provide that.

So ask yourself, do you REALLY want to know about EVERY inconsequential interaction he has? If you do, then you need to be able to check your feelings on all the little stuff. A blocked phone call doesn't need to even get a reaction from you, but if it's going to, then you need to not know about it.

It does sound like he thinks you'll walk if he doesn't keep BM entirely out of your lives, and he is trying to do that. Her calling and him ignoring/blocking did nothing to or for you, so it's a non-issue. Don't make an issue where there is none, especially if he is trying to do things to make you happy. If you expect him to do it how you want, and only how you want, you'll kill your relationship.

So make a list of things you do and don't want to know about, and present that to DH. Just remember, if you want to know everything, some things cannot set you over the edge. Your SO has to have a break from the craziness, too, especially if he is trying to make life easier for you.

I agree, in fact, I'd say to

I agree, in fact, I'd say to take the other approach - ask DH to deal with BM on his own and not tell you one thing unless it has an impact on your life and you need to know.

Thanks a bunch

I didn't reply right away because I sat an thought about what you said. You are correct i need to know every move he makes. Except........ Given the circumstances oh him hiding it in the past (not the cps/po situation). From time to time he will ask me if any guy has tied to reach out to me in FB messengerger or my ex, he would expect me to tell him. Well i would like the same respect of knowing. If he tells me i thank him for telling me and sometimes even show him some special attwatten when I get home from work. But your absolutely correct, I do not need to know. It just put me in a bad mood when I find out he didn't mention it to me but I understand why. Words are hurtful and once it's said I cant take it back. I dont want him to be fearful of opening up to me. Thats what i did to him!!!!!!! I felt so bad about it. I do know he has to eventually play nice with BM but I don't see it happening any time soon. She has not even begun to take her situation seriously.

Again thank you for your help. Even if it wasn't what i wanted to hear I needed to hear, needed to challenge me to be the better gf he needs and not give him too much grief.

Just breath

i know it seems like a terrible thing. And I agree it sucks when your DH hides communication from you. I have dealt with this for years. I too had the blow ups and arguing over the same thing. I finally learned to really disengage. I mean really do it. I have found my marriage and my life is 100 times better. I would also go crazy when BM would pulL her stupid stunts. But the truth is, your DH can’t control what she does. He can control how he reacts and it sounds like he reacted correctly. It was A 10 second convo. And he blocked her. And honestly you can’t be sure it was even her. Maybe it was the person whose phone she used. Maybe it was a crazy boyfriend of hers checking to see who she is calling. Most likely it was BM but you don’t know. Just calmly ask if he has heard from BM since the short visit. When he says yes and tells you about it keep calm. Unloading on him wilL not make him feel safe enough to tell you these things. Stay calm and praise him for blocking her. He will

be more willing to share if he feels he

can do it without repercussions. It took me years to figure that out. Now I’m so much happier and DH feels like he has a partner and not another person to worry about.

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