The learning curve
Only a few sessions if therapy and I am already gaining more insight into my situation and how I continue to repeat the same patterns over and over again.
Even though SO is not a narcissist like my ex I still end up drawn into the same unhealthy toxic relationship cycle, playing the same role.
It's a liberating feeling when you can finally identify why you are feeling the way you feel and to realize that you are not overreacting or crazy.
Now that I have been able to recognize it, I have the power to change at least my role in the cycle and free myself from being enmeshed in the dysfunction.
I posted this because I feel this is where a lot of us SPs end up and don't even realize it because the dynamic is one of triangulation involving other toxic people, like BMs and SKs or IL"s and somehow we get sucked in without even realizing it.
I am definitely the rescuer who sometimes gets so angry and frustrated I became the persecuter. BM is usually the persecuter who will play the victim in order to get sympathy and SKs can either be the persecuters or victims. SO is mostly the victim but at times when he is feeling helpless he can become the persecuter.
How I am breaking this cycle is I am not playing anymore. I made the conscious decision to stop enabling SO by being his rescuer. If he is going to make poor decisions that's on him and I will not allow myself to feel guilty or responsible for those decisions. It's not my job to save him or SKs it allow myself to be consumed by Thier problems.
I am stepping out if the triangle.
https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/
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Comments
Good for you. Don't be
Good for you. Don't be surprised if, as you get more emotionally healthy, you don't find SO attractive anymore.
Good for you
Glad that you are gaining insight. I see triangulation at work in my relationship with SO and Bratty (she is definitely victim, he is rescuer, an I am persecutor) and the way out is to not play and disengage.
Good for you.
Oof. I know this triangle so
Oof. I know this triangle so well. Great work with therapy and addressing the things that you can. And thank you for sharing those resources here. I knew the triangle, but it was refreshing to re-read it this morning and think about it in a new way. I hope it continues to help you, though I know I can sometimes get sucked in even though I know better. But virtual hugs and high-fives for the work you've already done and the work you'll surely keep doing.
Triangulation with Trainwrecks
Thanks for the reminder - ive been going through this very same cycle with some twists and tweaks.
Definitely Im made out to be persecutor, and Husband and Backstabber/Munch are "victims".
How is SO reacting to your new insights?
He is not taking it well. I
He is not taking it well. I haven't discussed it with him because he is in denial so Thier would be no point.. But I have been very careful with my responses to his behaviors so not to fall into the same trap.
I realize being his rescuer has made him more needy and helpless. So today was a perfect example of reframing my usual responses to be more of a coach.
He took a job he knew better than to take because the client is extremely difficult. But he rationalized taking it anyway. Then when he came home day after day complaining. I just told him he will figure it out. He was so frustrated I was not feeding into his complaining or giving him sympathy he called someone else to complain.
He has been complaining for days about getting poison ivy yet has done nothing about it as it is spreading. So today when he messaged me at work about it. Instead if telling him what to do which would be my old response. I asked him what he was planning on doing about it.
Like a big boy he went to the pharmacy and got stuff for it' all on his own.
That has been what I have been doing for the last few days and I can tell he is growing increasingly more moody that he is not getting the attention he is used to and he is being made to handle his own problems which he usually creates.
I also started to notice that he thrives on drama and wants to instigate an argument where none exists. I have not been feeding into that either
Don't be surprised if, as you
Don't be surprised if, as you get more emotionally healthy, you don't find SO attractive anymore.
And don't be surprised if he tries to sabotage your new role.