And why can't I yell??
I dont think Im the only one but me and my fiancee have gotten into some heated battles over me disciplining his SS4.
I have never raised a hand to him, tho I have swatted our BD1's hand a couple times without any incident from him. In fact my fiancee has congradulated me before on "well executed" hits on our BD1.
However, when I yell at SS4- it is an issue. Yell. Raise my voice and my fiancee flips on me afterward. It doesn't matter how disrespectful the boy is being- flat out ignoring me (and yes its ignoring not that he doesnt hear me but is refusing to acknowledge what I said), yes I raise my voice. How else am I supposed to get his attention? Last time we fought I told him I appreciate it when he backs me up, but if hes not around SS4 will never listen to me when were out because I have no authority in his eyes.
What does my fiancee say to my concerns: "Well, youre not his parent-so you can't yell at him. Stick to the timeouts and deal with his distractive personality by focusing him."
-Any ideas on where to go from here to make this better?
Right now, I'm trying to control my audible level. I wouldnt want the kids desensitized to yelling when I really need them for something...
I want to treat SS like my own, but with fiancee telling me to be his babysitter its hard to. I don't want to be a detached SM but it feels like Im being forced into that role...
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Yeah....when husband is there
Yeah....when husband is there and SS needs to be displined, he's got 2 seconds to correct the boy. If he doesn't, then you step in and resume how your would typically handle the situation, even with raised voice. Then, your DH has 2 seconds to reinforce to the boy just what you said.
Any questions?
I'd just tell dh you are not
I'd just tell dh you are not watching him then. If he does not trust your judgment on how to handle his child then he should never leave him in your care-ever. I had a babysitter I interviewed tell me straight out that she was a yeller-said I know some dont like that but I do it when needed and I want to be up front. I very much appreciated her honesty and told her she could yell at them anytime they were misbehaving. It's pretty sad that i gave my babysitter more authority than these men want to give their wives.
Does your dh know that sometimes teachers, coaches, etc yell at kids? Is he going to also give them more authority than he gives you?
I agree wholeheartedly. Your
I agree wholeheartedly. Your not a parent, then you have no parenting responsibilities - end of story. No keeping an eye him, no buying things for him, no baths, laundry, etc. These are all things A PARENT does.
Personally, I believe that
Personally, I believe that yelling is never a good communication tool. Especially for disciplining children.
If I get to the point of frustration with my children where I feel like I'm going to yell, I give myself a time-out. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, thus I was a fearful child. Yelling and screaming at people (especially children) only creates fear and insecurity. And, after a while, some people become desensitized to it.
So, if something's not working, try something different. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, believing that you'll get a different outcome.
http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html
JMHO.
I didnt get the idea that she
I didnt get the idea that she was CONSTANTLY yelling at this child, but rather just when he acted out and then would ignore her. She was doing it to get his attention. There is a HUGE difference between occassionally yelling at a child and emotional abuse as even your link states. I think most everyone has enough common sense to realize that constant yelling is not a good discipline technique. Well,most everyone on here anyway!
I also dont think this kid doesnt respond to her because she "yells" at him. I think it is because her dh undermines her and tells she has the right to punish to their daughter anyway that she likes, but that she cannot even raise her voice to her ss. SS knows that smom has no power and sees no reason to listen to her.
To me, her comment that she
To me, her comment that she was attempting to change her behavior because she didn't want the kid to be "desensitized" to her yelling implied that she was yelling quite a lot.
I've been around "yellers" all of my life (until I realized I didn't HAVE TO allow them into my life) and it's my experience that they don't just yell occasionally. They yell and scream at you ANY time they're frustrated or angry. And usually that's quite a lot of the time. It's how they wield power and control - through the fear and insecurity that is imposed on others through their rage in the level and tone of their voice. It's threatening and abusive behavior, whichever why you look at it.
But I realize I could be wrong about that in this particular case.
JMHO.
Oh by no means am I a
Oh by no means am I a constant yeller. I understand the severe implications of this.
Typically discipline wise I first resort to yelling. Then when I gather my own emotions I'm able to, in SS4s case, explain calmly what I was trying to tell him and punish (time out) if needed. I have my own feeling as one of four that being louder will make me heard better-as it worked when I was younger.
The reason I mentioned the desentisizing, is since it is my first resort, I fear yelling will become something to be ignored later on. I appreciate your suggestion on self time-outs, I'll have to try to use that.
"Well, youre not his
"Well, youre not his parent-so you can't yell at him.
+++++++++++++++++++
I hate to say it but I agree. But I also think that you should not be doing any other parenting either. No baby sitting AT ALL!! No bathing, cooking cleaning feeding the skid. That is the parents job from now on.
How often do you have skid?