alloeing teens to decide if tjey want to exvercise visitation
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So the question so have is just thst. Ss doesn't want to come to our boring house. The mother I swear is bi polar at times. She swings from telling us he doesn't want extended time at our house to dropping the visitation order as a threat.
Skids have always told us they don't like our house. We don't do anything fun. They don't want to come.
We a lot of times force the issue.
We are tired of forcing the issue. SS is 15. At what time do you say fine I understand call me when you want to cone over and let it be?
I don't see the point in
I don't see the point in forcing a child of that age, but I would let him know that I'd be bummed at missing the time with him. It would also be nice if the BM would try to encourage him to go, but I gather that's not going to happen.
We have the same stuff
We have the same stuff here....BM negatively influenced the skids against me, their father and the fathers family and my kids....
what ever....
stick it up your arse and dont come back is what I say....I just feel sorry for my beautiful DH as they are his kids....but,
he is only parenting from the sidelines....he is not taking on a responsible role IMHO. There would be no way I would let my kids get away with what these kids have and continue to get away with....
So, my point is....if your husband is parenting responsibly by making sure the kids know their father, not just friendly chit chat but disciplining when needed, stern talking to guide them the right way, making sure they get correct haircuts, wear the right clothes, eat certain foods, etc etc...you know what I mean...then he should also have the ability to say 'i will be picking u up at such a such time and you better be ready or else' and end of story....
I know my DH will pretend he is the joyful disney dad who gives no matter how you misbeahve and im sorry but that confusers teens even more....may as well get my 14 year old son parent them...cos he would do a better job....
Facing the same issue. BM has
Facing the same issue. BM has told SS18 (junior is HS) and SS15 they can make their own decisions.
yeah at that age they can
yeah at that age they can make their own choices on if they go or not...
Lawyer told us the other day that 12 was the age that they can please themselves...
but you have to question....what happens to the 13 year old whose bm decides well, Im heading off for the weekend...and you choose not to go to your fathers so - does she leave them at home by themselves...cos basically thats what the law sort of says....
I think a therapist would say
I think a therapist would say they should be able to choose at this point. You can say your house is always open or even request that once a month they spend a sunday afternoon with you or a dinner with you. I know this is an awful place to be as the sort of rejected parent but hopefully when they are older they will come abck to you. Dont forget dh can go to any sportng event they are in, band concert, so you can at least show you support them. My ss is 12 and has been trying this since he was 11. 12 is a lot younger that 16 though. Good luck !
Our skids couldn't wait to
Our skids couldn't wait to spend EVERY weekend with us, let's just say the BM was lazy with the housework, filled a tiny house with dogs and other pets ( guinea pigs in the bedroom ??? ) fed them processed crap, and didn't drive, so therefore wouldn't take them anywhere !!!
I was hoping like mad they would reach their teens, get to like 15 or 16 and not visit ALL the time !! No such luck !!! It was Hell !!!
Knowing what I do about the BM and the homelife, it is hardly surprising that sd21 makes it to visit her TWICE a year...... Sd's BD and again at Christmas....then she is outta there !!! Younger skid is still there, left education, looking for a job or work scheme, no choice until they earn enough to get out, I guess.
If we were still in the same country, I still would not have skid shrines, sorry rooms, sorry free storage area for them and I KNOW sd21 would think she WAS entitled to stay with us.....no....and the younger skid would be trying to escape to live with us.....again, that would be a no, MIGHT consider like 6 months ONLY if they were in fulltime employment AND paying us rent AND sticking to some general house chores, WE all do anyway !! Chances of ALL that happening would be zero, I think. So I am glad we are far, far away.....
I disagree with most of you.
I disagree with most of you. IMO, as long as they are under 18 they dont have the right to decide squat. Why would one want to give a 12 or 13 the power to decide whether they are going to spend time with a parent. I have a 14 and 12 year old I cant imagine giving them the option of whether they wish to speak to me or spend time with me. It's nto really optional-they will do what I say. This whole idea that it is an option to visit is what contributes to PAS. It's what makes nasty bm's put pressure on kids to start refusing to go. It should not be an option.
Now, that being said. If you have good relations with your kid, can work things out with the ex, then I think it pays to be flexible with your kid when they hit the teen years. For example, they can go to the ball game or have a friend over just as easily from your house (assuming that there is not a significant distance here) than they can from the bm's. Or yes you could agree to alter it to every Sunday all day-instead of every other weekend-you could throw in a midweek dinner to touch base if that is not already part of your plan if you are going to give up some of your weekend.
Agreed, it should not be an
Agreed, it should not be an option. But what do you do when you've got a 16 year old who refuses to come and a parent on the other end who won't make the tiniest effort to encourage her?
That's what happened with us. We had skids 50/50, switching off every Monday night. SD16 was a royal pain... drugs, alcohol, boys, sneaking out, breaking in, stealing, ditching, flunking out, etc. There were rules and repercussions in our house, but none at BM's. Heck, BM didn't even come home most nights!
So one Monday SS gets dropped off without his sister. When asked where she is, he says she didn't want to come. Of course phone calls to BM and SD go unanswered. So what then? Should he have hopped in the car and headed to BM's to drag her out kicking and screaming, more than likely with BM right behind him?
So, he let it go, thinking she'd cool off and show up next time. Nope, and still no communication other than through SS12. A month or more goes by, our home is amazingly peaceful for a change. We can sleep without having to listen for her climbing out a window. We can go to work without having to worry about her breaking in and stealing from us. We can leave for the weekend without worrying about her throwing a party and trashing our house. No more slamming doors, no more screaming fits, no more drama.
In the meantime, she's living it up at BM's house. No parental supervision, as BM is rarely home. She no longer has to go to school and BM eventually signs her up for Home Schooling to avoid the fines. She no longer has a curfew, chores, or any rules. Her boyfriend gets to hang out all day and even sleep over in her room. She can come home drunk or high and no one will notice. She can steal BM's cell phone and credit cards without any consequences.
How were we supposed to handle this? At that point, there really is no way to force the child to come to our house. Going back to court would be an exercise in futility due to her age. Even if we won, would we want to keep her against her will?
Oh, heck-I know it doesnt
Oh, heck-I know it doesnt work out that way all the time. My ss13 doesnt visit us. That kid has spent the past 6-7 years trying to make us all miserable so my dh stopped pushing the issue. He lives with mil now and she wont bring him over here anyway. But I feel like at any time, my dh decides differently he can go and just pick his little butt up and bring him here.
The thing is-that ss, years and years ago, got into his head that he shoud be able to make decisions about who he lives with, who he visits, etc-and he is a very very stubborn and persistent child who is willing to go to any sort of measures to get what he wants. But this whole idea in the first place is what sort of got us where we are today. If he had known from day 1 that this is where you live no matter what-no other options-then perhaps he would have put more effort into making it work vs trying to alienate and piss everyone off so we'd let him move out. If he thought that visitation was not an option-he was coming no matter what-perhaps he'd make the best of it-but instead he has concentrated his efforts on being a huge asshole to everyone so we will not want him to come back over. And he's won. He gets the big prize of losing out on an entire family taht was willing to love and care for him.
In my state the the court
In my state the the court will aLlow the kids to decide "as they near the age of 14." The statute says something to the effect that the court will heavily weigh the desire of the kid as they near the age of 14. In reality, the court won't force a teen to visit a parent, its just too hard to enforce.
CO here says she gets them 6 nights a month and 2 evening for dinner. SS17 never goes to BMs and SS13 goes about 2 nights a month. BM takes us to court any chance she can get so I'm sure she's investigated it and found that it would be fruitless to try to force the issue.