Is she in counseling? That might help as she probably is still dealing with BMs abandoning her.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like you're being way too easy on her. I would have got my a$$ burned if I had ever been abusive to an animal. I know horses are bigger than she is and there may not be alot of damage she can do, but it's simply bad behavior, and she may seriously piss off another animal and end up getting hurt when it retaliates.

Also, why is she allowed to just walk off whenever you correct her? If my steps don't want to hear me out and accept my instructions, then they are going to time out. The end. Kids don't get to "shrug off" their parents.

I don't want to be rude, and I'm sorry to hear your experiencing some personal issues, but it sounds like you sort of set yourself up for this. In the beginning of your post, you said you use to make excuses for her bad behavior . . . and now you're suprised when she's displaying bad behavior.

Kids don't need excuses. They need boundaries. It doesn't matter how much you're the real mom here and it doesn't matter how awesome your manners are; if you make excuses for a kid acting like a jerk then she's going to continue to act like a jerk.

I don't think you should be responsible for someone else's kid. However, I think you are responsible for making sure a kid in your home isn't disrespectful to you, your home, or your pets. Tell your husband what's going on, make sure he backs you up, and send her a$$ to time out and take all of her toys away until she realizes there are real consequences to bad behavior.

So since this girl was 4 you have had 100% responsibility for her along with her father.

I think the other poster is right. You have cut her too much slack for too long. And then suddenly you change tack and she has to not only deal with her abandonment issues, a distant father and a developing body but now a stepmother. I bet she has idealised her birth mother into a princess on a white horse who is being held away from her and she only wants to rescue her from her stupid father and evil stepmother.

Instead of letting her walk away and sulk you should have told her "OK, we will do the planting together." And then sat with her and showed her how to put the plants in. Or you could have just accepted her effort for what it is ... her planter. No one will die if her planter looks funny. It will also teach her a lesson in itself rather than bwabwabwa stepmother-talk.

The horse issue? Ask her if she wants to help or shovel manure? She gets a choice. Also she finds out that hitting an animal may cause that animal to kick her or bite her or attack her when she least expects it.

She is only 11. She was expected to do her chores without forgetting. The thing to remember is she isn't you. She is the result of her father and mother. She has some of her crazy mothergenes inside her and these may be coming up.

She needs counselling and a place she can vent about her life... how her mother abandoned her, her father lets his wife take over, what her dreams and aspirations are. Without some attempt to speak to an objective person she will run to the first non-judgemental person who remotely seems to care about her. Which may well be some loser guy who wants to get in her pants.

Counselling would be my first stop. And BTW, what she is doing is very predictable in a preteen. Not doing her chores should be the least of your problems in the Big Scheme of Things.

11 is the new 13. Ugh, I hated that age, especially with girls - the hormone levels cause PMS 5 times a day. I agree it's typical preteen behavior & if not stopped will get worse. Preteens are rude, especially at home. They are testing boundaries and trying to find a way to assert their self, even if they are not sure who that is at the moment.

I would ask given your SD's situation you rethink your disengagement. I think it's a great idea when a DH doesn't support their partner's authority, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Not to mention, I think in your frustration with the situation, you may have inadvertently hit a sore spot. You have in effect "abandoned" her to Dad.

You might do better to take turns "dealing with" SD's behavior. Personally, DH & I decide with Rock, paper, scissors at times.

I would never allow a child to walk away from me when I am correcting her. This gives her far too much power.

Make up a list of chores. Make up a list of additional chores ( I always pick good ones like poop patrol or bathrooms) for when they forget the regular chores). Post it on the fridge.

We find it easier to have a basic punishment list - if you do A, you get B. This helps me keep my mind sane at times & the kids know the consequences before they break the rules. (I do give points for originality if they break a rule not in the standard punishments.)

Make that counselling appointment & you and SD go together and talk about the issues you have with her behavior. If you have a decent counselor they may help you get to the some of the real issue bothering SD.

High school: it’s what you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to get over .

Best of Luck.

I agree with posters who say it's typical pre teen, testing boundaries etc. We have a girl, and her twin brother, who are in a LOT of pain too, abandoned twice by cuckoo bird mother and I urge you to talk to her, do things with her and cut out any negativity. Humor helps! Our girl turned to getting high to take the edge off her pain, every time a counselor got close to her issues she shut down. Drug court is an intervention program she is currently on, they have a reward system as well as consequences. I'd put a list of consequences in a jar too, just an idea, so that she in fact chooses her own consequences and her own rewards.
I grew up in an entirely different era, I was very seldom insecure, lived in the same house for all of my formative years and my mother still lives there. I raised three kids on my own, boys now 31 and 30 and a girl 27. Again, different times. I do still maintain that stability is crucial when raising kids, though, God willing, they come of age regardless of how you parent. Ours are getting a mix of what to do and what not to do!

Hang in there, spend the time with her and reinforce the bonds. Empathize with her whenever you can. I believe that teenagers now really do have a tougher time of it that I ever did, or my kids ever did. Already I am seeing some introspection with our girl, she's a juvenile delinquent, taking drugs and alcohol at age 13 through 17 and is hell on wheels at times! We love her, we'll do what we can to help her and we will be here when she gets out of juvenile hall. She has been in and out of juvenile hall since she was 13 years old and it's heart breaking to see such intelligence going to waste. She passed her ACT and got into university but flunked drug screens? It's worth the effort to continue to be consistent with her, love her, and encourage her to do positive things. NO ONE can make anyone do anything. I agree with DH that our girl will do what she wants to do, regardless, and the trick is to get her to want to do good things. Meanwhile, DH and I have our own lives, our boys and we each have our separate interests, as well as the things we do together.
I've been in SK's lives since they were sixteen and ten, our older boy and twins, boy and girl. DH is still a bit of a guilty parent at times but he's doing the right thing, in my opinion, by gradually easing off with the spoiling and indulgences with the attitude that they are getting older now and more capable of doing what they need to do for themselves. I disengaged for a while, just to let him see how demanding the twins actually were, and to let him see for himself the lies they told about me did not hold water. Oh yes, they lied to play us off against each other and try to drive a wedge in between us, with the help of psycho cuckoo bird! It's now established that DH and I are staying married, I am going nowhere and they have come around with their thinking.

There is a bit of a mad 'streak', as I call it, running through the genetic makeup of the twins, they also have a lot of learned behaviors from BM and they cannot help their genetic makeup. It's been a long haul, worth it though! Patience, a level head and a good sense of humor helped me a lot. I also agree that it is not personal, please do not take anything a child says to heart. Their opinions change with the weather at the best of times!
Good luck! I hope that DH can gradually come on board with you, I found that to be the best way here. Any sudden changes can throw kids for a loop.
I am coming around to his ways of thinking too so we are on more mutually acceptable terms, or, as I hear said, on the same page, to begin with we shared a lot in common with regard to values etc. but with regard to raising kids we were not even reading the same book. It's been worth every moment to give our kids a positive influence in their childhood years. ONe of the things I told SK's is that they can hate me now and love me later, or you can love me now and hate me later and our girl is now coming to understand what I meant back then.