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Am I justified or am I evil?

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 8:51am

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My Sd13 has RAD...she has no empathy and no emotional connection to the human race. I raised her for eight years but after repeated verbal and physical attacks (kicked our son into a wall and tried to strangle our daughter plus various daily occurences) on our other kids, refusal to follow a single rule (and I am serious about that...rules were a challenge to see how quickly she could break them) and spreading rumors around town that I abused her and calling me nasty names...I told DH I had enough. In laws have been raising her for nearly a year...it has been the best year of my life.

The problem? SD told DH she wants to spend a weekend with us. And DH is considering it! I told him over my dead body and he got a bit upset. I reminded him it only takes one night to kill one of our other kids...he thought I was over-reacting. I reminded him that SD will not even say hi or bye to me when she sees me and he doesn't demand she respect me. He might be starting to get the point. I have PTSD from this kid and it was flaring up and still is along with a massive load of anxiety. I told DH a while back I would divorce him before I would allow my kids or myself to sleep under the same roof as SD. And I meant that. He can spend as much time with her as he wants...but not in my house or around my kids. She also steals from me and our 5 yr old daughter...so I can't even up and leave and feel safe...she will steal something.

I had arrangements made for SD to get inpatient treatment and DH didn't want to be inconvenienced. I have seen her enough to know she isn't changed. To hell if she is staying in my home!

I feel solo much better getting that out!

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 8:59am

Thanks Tog, that is exactly what I needed to hear. Yep my husband is an asshole. He thinks time fixes things...not so much. He will be getting an ear full once I get calmed down and have all of my talking points figured out.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 9:30am

I think I would remind him that due to his laziness he refused to seek treatment for his daughter who needed it. This was to help her and your family, but your DH couldn't be bothered (or whatever reason) so therefore all YOU could reasonably do was manage with the situation as is.

She is violent
She is abusive
She steals
She doesn't follow rules
She's is disrespectful

Why would you want that around you when she is not your responsibility and your DH has effectively washed his hands of her?! If he really wanted he could HELP her, but he won't. That's on his conscience.

IMO your ultimatum is reasonable given this situation. I hardly think you are preventing your DH from seeing sd, as she lives with the PIL and am sure he can take her where he pleases. Thing is, your children ARE your responsibility - to protect and to ensure have a happy childhood. This should not suffer because of your DH's poor choices and yet he appears happy to make everyone suffer so long as HE is happy. Pure selfishness.

Stick to your guns and as said, remind him of his nonchalance about sd's treatment and future!

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Submitted by SanAntonioSoccerMom on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 12:31pm

Tog, he still has another child that needs him. He also wants to protect her.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Submitted by SanAntonioSoccerMom on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 12:30pm

This is a very tough situation. Where is her mother?

Would you allow him to take her and your bios the movies or something in a public setting?

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Sat, 07/13/2013 - 2:53pm

Her mom abandoned her when she was 5. She wanted to live with her mom when I said no more so we sent her to her mom (after finding her first) before the inlaws. Her mom sent her back after 3 wks, moved and changed her phone number.

I would let DH take my bios to see SD...but I prefer to go to observe. SD can be mean in a sly way it seems only I can see. I will never forget the painful look on my daughter's face at 4 yes when SD made fun of her outfit and proceeded to nitpick her after BD had spent 30 min picking out the perfect outfit to wear. The child is mean! Only she can get satisfaction from making her sister cry. I do tolerate SD coming over (initially I said no to that but inlaws and DH brought her anyways...she doesn't cuss me out now so I deal with it) but I will not allow her to spend the night. A lot can happen in one night and I will not take the chance of not getting in laws to take her back!