And the refusing visitation begins...
SD10 was with BM this week. BM didn't realize until Friday afternoon that SD did ZERO school work all week online. Nada. She calls DH to tell him she just now logged on and saw 13 missed assignments. But that she was going to keep SD a couple of extra hours to "catch back up." DH wasn't surprised she didn't do anything. He said that was fine to stay longer, but asked BM "Can you drop her off by 6:30 because we will be at dinner." BM said okay.
SD10 greets DH with an attitude. He asks her why she didn't do anything with virtual learning this week. She just responded "I don't know." DH let her know she will be finishing whatever is missing/late this weekend & no electronics until schoolwork is done first.
SD changes the subject, "So where are we going for dinner?"
DH "Just me and (your SM) are. It's our friend's birthday so a few adults are going out to eat. We will be back by 8. I'm sorry if there was a miscommunication between BM and I about dinner."
SD to DH. "SO WHY AM I EVEN HERE?!"
DH: "Because it's our week with you? And whenever you ARE invited when kids come along, you go home early because you don't like to socialize. Also, BM leaves you alone when she goes to work, so how is being along over there any different?"
Silence from SD...
I mean GEEZ. I know that must have been like a punch in the gut to DH. Pretty soon I can see SD10 finding excuses to not come over BEFORE she actually gets here...
It is DH's COd time with the
It is DH's COd time with the 10yo. She gets no say in it and cannot refuse.
DH needs to be ready for it and prepared to enforce his rights no matter how difficult that may be.
If she has 50/50, it's not
If he has 50/50, it's not "visitation", it's shared, equal custody.
And while being flexible for a few hours is fine, she needs to be with the parent she's supposed to be with for her weeks. At 10, she gets no choice, period.
*Oops , correction. refusing
*Oops , correction. refusing "CO schedule" I guess? I've heard other posters on here talk about teens not wanting/refusing to come over on their time.
Didn't know if anyone else dealt with the hypocrisy of BM?. She leaves SD by herself at night when she goes to work (3-4 days a week). We have offered to keep SD when BM is working so she isn't sleeping alone in a house. SD and BM say "It's just not fair for me to spend more time with Dad just because my Mom has to work hard." *shrug* Neither party has EVER enforced "the other parent must be there, or you're not going" so that's why DH was hurt. BM does it all the time to SD, but she never has an issue with her Mom. Double standard.
I was just clarifying the
I was just clarifying the difference, in my mind anyway, between one parent having physical custody and the other having "visitation" - for a weekend, or whatever. To me, having 50/50 is a more equal arrangement, and less reason or option for SD to refuse to spend weeks with DH. At 10, she should get no say whatsoever.
BM is leaving her home alone overnight at age 10?! That's a CPS call.
We've made the call and
We've made the call and unfortunately in our state the age to stay home is 8. There isn't a specified amount of time that is appropriate *eyeroll* BS if you ask me because I totally agree it's boderline neglect and unsafe
That's ridiculous. No 10-year
That's ridiculous. No 10-year-old should be home alone overnight.
I suspect that they didn't
I suspect that they didn't realize that you meant not only one overnight but regular overnight stays alone. They may not even have understood that it WAS overnights you were talking about. Any chance you spoke to a trainee and not a fully fledged and qualified person?
I think I'd be going back and clarifying the question. Even if it means demanding the manager.
Yes CPS in our state make no
Yes
CPS in our state make no distinction between "extended period of time" and overnight. CPS also said that the "age 8" rule is because of a fire code.
That's incredible, isn't it?
That's incredible, isn't it? So, if I understand the "extended period of time" right, her mother could take off for several days (weeks?) and CPS would be find with that? I suppose they'd only look into things when she runs out of food?
Sorry, but none of this feels
Sorry, but none of this feels right, to me.
A 10 year old is left alone 3-4 nights a week?
SD10 comes over for her week with you guys, and you run off to dinner, leaving her alone? Why didn't your husband ask BM to drop her off after dinner?
I feel bad for the kid.
Yep, CPS says there isn't
Yep, CPS says there isn't anything they can do since she is over 8. SD has been 'brainwashed so much that she feels guilty about coming to our house because it's "not fair" to her Mom. DH had her in counseling at one point. But BM kept cancelling appointments and SD got dropped as a patient.
Not sure why DH didn't just say after dinner... like I said, BM isn't home a lot during her "time" so DH just probably didn't make anything of it. I feel for SD too, she has BOTH parents not working together and can't put aside "keeping score" for the sake of the child. Crappy situation all around.
*Update, we offered to take her out shopping today to spend some of her Birthday gift cards. "No, I don't really feel like it." She complains about being alone, we offer to do something together on a Saturday, but she declines. Mind boggling for us.
we offered to take her out
we offered to take her out shopping today to spend some of her Birthday gift cards. "No, I don't really feel like it."
This is how this went down in my house when my SD29 was young.
"SD, get cleaned up and dressed, we are going shopping."
BM isn't home a lot during her "time" so DH just probably didn't make anything of it.
So, because BM is a crappy parent, your husband figures it's okay for him to be a crappy parent?
They may not be "working together" but they aren't parenting well, separately, either. I mean, what are they keeping score on? Who can be the most neglectful?
From your other post, she was recently there for 2 weeks and didn't even have hygeine products to properly shower with. I don't care that SD10 did not let your husband know she was out of stuff, HE is the parent.
Her defiance is definitely an
Her defiance is definitely an issue. SD10 refused to go to a neighbor's birthday party yesterday. She kept making up excuses to DH. "My legs are shaking. I don't think there are a lot of girls there. I don't know how to use a nerf gun. etc. etc." He said no electronics until further notice.
He IS the parent, and I let him handle her terrible behavior. Definitely don't always agree with his way of going about it though...