I have considered our kids here too, abandoned by their mother. Our girl still wants to be kind to her mother but our boy will just 'get while the getting's good' from her. The kids, all three, live with us for the last six years. Hell on wheels at times too, there's more mischief to get up to these days for kids. I grew up with both my natural parents, my mother still lives in the house I grew up in, it was a bit of a shock to be parenting 10 year olds and a 16 year old after having raised three kids but I am adjusting. The only fights DH and I have had are about parenting styles, we compromise better now. Our girl is a handful, hell on wheels at times but she's growing and learning and maturing much more. I have seen that a lot can happen in three months, with regard to a child's development, I believe we should just take it in increments and pray for positive things.

My parents divorced when I was 10. Both remarried by the time I reached 13.

I have a lot of love and respect for BOTH of my SP's. Pretty much always have. Sure, there were a few trying times in the teenage years but, that would have been the case if my own parents had stayed married. So, I can't use my SP's as an excuse, and I would never dream of trying, .

My parents handled their situation in a mature manner, which is what I seldom see reflected in the vast majority of posts here.
There was no PASing, no 'getting even', no 'guilty' parenting, no 'buying of affections', and no divisive behavior on any of their parts.
We, (3 siblings and myself) were taught to respect all of the adults in the equation...
*The key word being TAUGHT!
I won't go so far as saying that we were all just one big happy family. However, there were boundaries and they did not get crossed.
My SM was not my 'mom' and never attempted to step in to that role. My SF was not my 'dad' and never attempted to step in to that role. That is not to say that they had no authority. They absolutely did. My BM flat out told me that I was to treat SM with the same respect I would show her and that's what I did. That's what we all did. My BF told me the same thing in regards to my SF.
Because of the way we were TAUGHT, there was little animosity.
I never felt pulled in any direction. Any feelings of not wanting to let down either of my parents was on me b/c I knew my responsibilities as a child and of course no kid wants to see that look of disappointment on their parents face.

I guess I'm very lucky in a way. I was not raised in a home where love was given by way of cell phones, laptops, xBox, etc. Love was not conditional depending on who's side you were on. We were all on the same side. I was not catered to in any way, simply b/c I was the product of divorce. In fact, having 4 parental figures, I think there was a higher expectation put on everyone, lol. There was none of this child-parent reversal crap that seems so prevalent these days.

This is probably why I am struggling to come to terms with my personal situation. The parenting I'm seeing, is so polar opposite from the way I was raised. I just can't get behind it at all.

Just my thoughts though...

These posts all really resonate with me.

My parents got divorced when I was about 8. A few weeks later, Dad married my stepmother.

My journey with her hasn't been an easy one. She has tried to alienate me from my mom and has verbally abused me. She trashed me to anyone who'd listen when she knew I could hear her. She cussed me out a few times. I was still learning about what verbal abuse is so I didn't know exactly what was happening, even though I knew it wasn't great. She went to all efforts to exclude me and let me know that she thought as highly of me as she did the ants that can get in the house. It got to a point where I mostly stayed in my room when at my dad's. I hated this. Neither of my parents were guilty parents. When I acted out, like all kids do, I got age-appropriate punishments. However, my stepmother treats a lot of people this way.

Eventually, that got old too and I spoke up about what was going on. Mom and Dad agreed that he'd see me away from my stepmother. We'd go somewhere we both like. We talked about our lives, and I'd ask him for advice, help with school, etc. We still do that frequently.

I know what its like to be hated by an adult whom you have to live with. I didn't and don't want that for SDs. I have resented them before. I find exercising, going into my room to relax and going out of the house for awhile helps my resentment towards anyone/anything decrease tremendously. I didn't want the kids picking up on my negative feelings because I know how hard that can be.

I also think that in a lot of situations, the bioparents' lack of parenting makes the stepparents angry. I know that's what happened with me. DH and BM weren't doing squat to parent the kids. All the while, I was just getting angrier. I wasn't even mad at the kids, I was just angry. I was losing respect for DH. It seemed like I cared more about the kids than he did. That's why I often put most of the blame on the bioparents in these situations. The kids won't change unless the bioparents do. The bioparents have the power to make these situations all better for everyone. They need to see that their kids are screaming for help, love & discipline through acting out, and that stepmoms are screaming for help and support through not being present for skid visits and not wanting to be near skids.

When one parent (step or bio) upsets another and the child knows about it, I think they all individually need to let the child know that this is an adult matter, that the child is loved by all of them, and is free to love all of them. And then the adults need to work it out in a forum where the child isn't prone to hear or see the conversation and need to be extra careful to watch what they say about each other to the child.