Any ideas on how to handle this?
SD (stb9) purposely disobeys me when Dh isn't around. It's usually underhanded and sneaky, but clearly intentional. It seems to be her own little personal -screw you you are not my mom.
Some examples from the past few days so you know what I am talking about.
This morning, trying to get them out the door for school/work..... She's being slow so I am calling to her to hurry up so I Dan do her hair. Waiting and waiting, start back to her room to see what the hold up is. I see her just standing in the hall with her hair stuff, not moving. Call her again (she doesn't realize I can see her yet) she just stands there with a little smile. Call her again and again. She.just stands there. So finally I come around the corner fully so she can see me, tell her to come now, that we are late. Just stares at me with that vacant cow expresion, I have to literally take her by the arm and pull her to the table. Now I am late for work. (dh was sleeping)
Last night at bedtime, I tell both skids to put down their books and get ready for bed (pjs and brush teeth) they both get up and close thier doors.... A few minutes later ss is done and says good night. Waiting on SD.... A few minutes later she comes out duly clothed with her book to ask Dh about a word in her book. So she basically just shut her door and ignored me. (dh just says, are you actually mad that she wanted to read more? Umm no, I am upset that the completely ignores everything I tell her)
Last night as well, she gets out of the shower and leaves the water running. She yells out to me that the shower is broken and won't turn off. I get up walk all the way to the shower, it shuts off fine. She was just to lazy to turn the knob. (dh's response, well, sometimes that happens to everyone, that you just forget how to do something....... Right cause turning a knob is really hard.)
On Sunday night, ss was already in bed, still waiting on sd. Calling to her to hurry up. Ten minutes goes by, I get up to go see what's taking so long. She had gone into ss's room, turned on his light and was just chit-chatting away. (dh was sleeping for this one)
Every chance this kid can find to be an ass, she takes. Never does it when Dh tells her to do something, or if Dh is paying attention. It's always when its just me interacting with them (which is a lot of the time, Dh works weekends so I have them by myself 10 hours a day on sat and sun, I get them ready and to school, and I get them to bed every night). It's always somethin.g small enough that I lookike the crazy sm if I make a big deal about it, but it is constant deliberate disrespect.
Any ideas?
Sounds like you do a lot of
Sounds like you do a lot of work so that DH doesn't have to. It's time to disengage, honey.
You have a couple of options.
You have a couple of options. One is to disengage. Let DH do all for her because she's being so purposefully disrespectful. I do not do nice things for those that disrespect me. I don't do Anything for those that disrespect me. She needs something - DH needs to do it for her. She wants something, DH isn't there? Oh well - maybe she shouldn't have been such a brat. Weekends without Dad would start to look pretty crappy to her if I were you... Oh, you want to have a friend over? Nope, not gonna happen. Oh you want a ride somewhere? So sorry, not gonna happen. You want special weekend breakfast/outing/movie/craft time/shopping trip... oh well, suck it up kid.
Option two, if you just can't bring yourself to disengage -for some things - natural consequences. She wants to be a turd and not come get her hair done and try to make you late - she doesn't get her hair done. She can go to school with ratty hair and deal with it. She wants to be a brat about bed time - fine, she can fall asleep in class the next day. Teacher gets upset, says something - well, her father saw no problem with her staying up, you're just a step-mom, what can you do? She "forgets" how to do something like turn the water off - either let DH do it or simply assume she's too young to know how to do or remember Anything and start explaining everything to her like she's 2.
What a pain in the butt kid.
Ohhh I hear you! It's 'simon
Ohhh I hear you! It's 'simon (aka daddy) says get it done here. I disengaged from doing stuff for them, obliged DH to deal with their crap so they were not gaining any ground with me. It's a game to them, they are far too immature to realize the repurcussions of manipulating people, or what they do so they got just a little slack from me. Once they saw I was not going to dignify their crap they stopped! Game over! DH pretty soon saw what lazy little turds they really are and he got tired of it too and implemented some tough love...not before time! Your DH is sleeping blissfully while all this is going on? Wake up call buddy! I'd suggest to him that he deal with them for a little while since you are worn out by it and it's having a negative impact on you...you want to be positive in all of the things you do...hint hint! The way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach incidentally, I do not advocate 'blackmail' at all but it really seems like your DH is having his cake and eating it too...I know mine WAS! I got wise to that.
I have essentially disengaged
I have essentially disengaged from herwhen Dh is home, but I am with all the kids alone a lot due to his work schedule. Other than the basics of showering and going to bed, I don't say or do anything with her after work.
None of the kids ever have friends over the house..... I have enough trouble keeping control over just them. And other than a random birthday party, they done get invited to other kids houses (ive imagine because of their behavior).
But I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place on the weekends. I have three kids by myself ss10, SD 9 and bs 2.5. So to punish one, means punishing them all. I can't leave any of them home alone, so if I go somewhere, they all have to come. Or if I punish one and stay home, everyone is stuck at home. So between ss and SD, my bs would never get to go anywhere or do anyhting. Between ss and sd, we haven't had a good week at school (behavior wise) since the second week of December. So basically, I punish them when we are in the house, but we still go do things on the weekends. I tried really playing hard ball for a while, but it was bs that suffered, when we stayed home three weekends in a row.
I should have.just left her this morning, and let Dh deal with it, but I have a feeling shed have enjoyed that. Dh would have blamed me, and had a nice drive to school with her, and shed just be encouraged to do it again. She's very smart about she. She pulls this crap, its always when we are on a deadline or a timeframe, so she.knows it can't really be dealt with.
You need to stop this, your
You need to stop this, your SD is seeing that her bad behavior is being rewarded with "fun" things on weekends. We went thru this as well. SD would also just not get out of bed in the morning and ignore me. On weekends, you can tell her that because of her behavior, no one get's to do anything. I would spend the next couple of weekends getting her up early and practicing a "morning routine." Do it over and over again. How does she get along with the other kids? Do the other kids get upset when they can't do anything on the weekends because of SD?
The thing is.... It's never
The thing is.... It's never the same bullshit twice. So even if I prevent her from going into ss's room, she will just do something else.
But she doesn't do this stuff to Dh, so he thinks she this super sweet angel that I am just too hard on. Since she jumps to attnetion when he tells her to do something, he doesn't see it. It's no big deal to him. And each individual thing is small, but its the whole pattern that's so infuriating.
Yes, I can discipline her....
Yes, I can discipline her.... But Dh will overrule me if he thinks I'm too hard on her. Usually I send her to sit on her bed for a while, or take away tv for the day.
She's already banned from the computer for not following the rules, and lying about what she was doing.
Tell him you're done with
Tell him you're done with her. He needs to find a sitter for her or change his work schedule. Once her actions start to impact him~wasting $$ on a sitter or missing time from work~ he will do something about her not listening to you.
My SD did the same thing.
My SD did the same thing. That stupid smile use to piss me off and then it was followed by a, "what?"
It would drive me nuts. My SD wouldn't do it in front of DH so he thought I was making it up or overreacting. My SD use to say, "I don't hear you." The next time she calls your time to do something like shut off the water, or whatever, don't do it. Let her call you and call you. When she wants to know why you don't come, just smile at her. Or ask her, how does it feel? Have you spoken to SD about this behavior? Asked her why she doesn't answer you?
I would start allowing him to put her to bed and get her up in the mornings and take her to school.
I had to watch my SD as well when my DH was working and BM didn't care, because they were not her days. This is what I did:
On the weekends he works, tell him that since she doesn't have to listen to you and he keeps making excuses for her, that you charge $10.00 an hour to babysit. Explain that if your going to be treated like that, you should at least get paid, because your not going to be disrespected for free. He also has the option of hiring a sitter.
So basically, there's nothing
So basically, there's nothing I can do myself? I have to rely on Dh to make her listen to me?
I've said it before, and dropped it...... But I am going to tell Dh tonight that I am not taking responsibilty for getting the kids ready on time anymore. If they are ready at 615 when I leaves then I will take them, if not I am leaving without them. He must have said something to them last time, cause they both got better for a few weeks. Now ss is getting slower again, but still done on time with a few reminder to get on task. And SD is back to her disrespect and purposely trying to make me late.
Have you tried talking to SD
Have you tried talking to SD about the way she acts? Sometimes it's a lost cause. There is nothing you can do to make her listen to you. Nothing. You can't make people change.
You can try turning it into a game with all the kids in the morning. Who can get ready the fastest gets a candy bar or something like that. It's sort of bribery but it may work.
I've had many heart-to-heart
I've had many heart-to-heart converstation with her in the past, and its gotten us no where. So I ve stoped even asking. If I even try to talk to her about her behavior or why she did something she just stares at me...... Either with the vacant cow expression, or seething with attitude and distain. if her dad tried to talk to her about it she starts crying and saying that she does her best and she trying.... And he let's it go at that.
Wow, this is so familiar. I
Wow, this is so familiar. I remember that nothing worked for me personally. I argued a lot with SD and just dealt with the crap. She eventually beat me down. DH doesn't want to see a problem with his BD. She is only going to get worse when she is a teen. Where is BM? Can't she take her when he is working? You may need to disengage (including the weekends)to keep a piece of mind.
BM dumped her off when she
BM dumped her off when she was 4 months old. Has never even taken her for visitation since. Haven't seen or heard from her since 2008 when she skipped the state to avoid paying child support.
And there is no one else to take these kids on the weekend either. They have burned bridges with grandparents and aunts. We can barely get them to take the kids for one time emergencies, let alone an ongoing babysitting thing. Short of actually hiring a nanny(which we can't afford) there is no other option. Believe me, if there was another choice I'd have demanded it by now.
Thank you sm83..... It seems
Thank you sm83..... It seems to me that by having to rely on Dh to "make" her listen to me I am just confirming what she's saying.... That she doesn't have to listen to me, only Dh. She needs to listen to me because I am her adult caretaker, not because its what Dh tells her to do.
But short of slapping her upside the head (which is what I want to do so badly when she acts like this), how do I get that through to her?
My Dh would never be on board
My Dh would never be on board though, and its a huge issue. He just doesn't see these things as a big deal at all.
Have you tried getting
Have you tried getting harsher on the punishment? Make her write 1000 times and increase the writing each time she disobeys.
I may have to give that a
I may have to give that a try. But would it loose most of its effectiveness if its a whole day later? Like if she pulls this crap at bedtime, the earliest she would have time to do the writing is the next day after dinner...... Would she even get it then?
True, what about sending her
True, what about sending her to bed earlier? Each night she procrastinates, she has to go to bed the next night a 1/2 hour earlier, the next night 1 hour, etc.
It's hard with girls. They just don't care. DH is making excuses for her and she probably knows that, which can be a reason she pushes you further to see what she can get away with. If it were your own kids doing it, how would you handle it?
I may start doing that,
I may start doing that, putting her to bed earlier. Doubt it will change her attitude in the least, but atlesst I can get bioson to bed on time since I am not waiting on her to get her shit together.
And you are completely right, she just doesn't care. Nothing phases her, it just feeds her attitude.
I always try to ask myself that question....if this was my bioson how would I handle it. But my bioson is only 2.5 and doesn't act anything like my skids.... So its all really hypothetical. With her, I don't know what I would do because I can't imagined in my wildest dreams, my bioson ever wcing this way/ treating me this way. I'm out of ideas.
Just got off the phone with
Just got off the phone with Dh, and explained to him how this morning went. And his response was...and what's her version of this going to be?. Like there's two equally valid versions of reality. Or thatmy word is just as good as hers.
Your DH is treating you as an
Your DH is treating you as an equal to SD, as if your a Step Sister rather than a step mother. My DH did this and it was damaging to SD, it still is. Basically, he isn't supporting you. By stating, what's her version going to be, it sounds like he is refereeing two siblings arguing. My DH did this and SD caught onto it quickly. This will not stop, but get worse. My SD is 20 and still thinks she is competing with me and talks more along the lines as if I am a step sister than a step mother.
I would ask DH what ideas he has, besides smacking her in the head, to make SD realize you are an adult caregiver and your word does matter. If he plays it off, I would totally disengage, including weekends he works.
Yep. If he doesn't deal with
Yep. If he doesn't deal with her to my satisfaction tonight, I am checking out of all morning and evening dealings with her. She can get herself up and ready for school, and she can put herself to bed if he doesn't deal with it.
If he gives me a hard time about that, then ill concider the weekends too. But realistically, short of not going into work those 16 hours, there really nothing else to do. And then our household budget just suffers. He should get a new shift in May, so hopefully he can get one with weekends off. But if I push this now, his ranking will fall from him missing so many days that he will for sure end up with another shitty schedule.
Good luck with everything. I
Good luck with everything. I understand the ranks falling w/ work. But that is where he needs to be a parent and back you up not treat you like a fighting sibling. I know where your coming from. My husband traveled a lot for work so he was not home during the week on days we had his daughter. I had to put up with a very similar situation. On weekends, he was like Disney Dad. He felt so bad about the divorce and not being around during week, that he never said anything to her and made excuses for her disrespectful behavior. I hope all works out.
Dh would flip his shit on me
Dh would flip his shit on me if I let her out of the house with her hair undone. But that's why I am just going to leave her at home with him.... So he can figure of a way to make her rats nest look presentable, and then he can be late for work after taking her to school. On work days he usually leaves about 5-10 minutes after me and the.kids, and t+w he has off.
He flipped on me a few weeks ago that I had her put her own hair in a pony tail after I brushed it out (had a whole post about it). That was the last blow up we had over the morning routine, and he must have said something to the skids cause they got better for a while, so it all just died down again.
Blatant Disobedience is not
Blatant Disobedience is not something that is small or should be over looked as such. From all the parenting books that I have read it's actually something very serious which warrants a punishment even if it's something as simple as standing in the hallway listening to you call her and just ignoring you.
From what you have explained in your post, it sounds like the pecking order in your home has been established and it's not in your favor. It's DH, then SD, you, and, then SS. This is something that should be fixed.
When FSD is doing her normal screw around in the mornings thing she gets in trouble for it. She loses her treat at night, or goes to bed early. Maybe the next time you tell her to go to bed and she ignores you and comes out with a book asking your DH what this word is she can write sentences. Have her write the word and then the definition several times. Not only is it an annoying punishment to a child but it's also educational. If she won't do it let her sit there for a while and then send her to bed. When she comes home from school the next day have her sit there until she does it. You'll also be showing her that she does have to listen to you. She may not want to at first, but what child wants to sit there for hours day after day. She'll give up and you'll prove your point.
I think that you should also talk with your DH about this. Tell him how you feel. It's not what she did, it's about why she does it. He may not actually understand why your upset and only sees the action and not the reason behind the action.