Being a Stepmom Struggling to Have a Baby...
As many know, I had a miscarriage back in october and we have recently tried (and succeeded) in getting pregnant again. I am about 7 weeks along but sadly am experiencing some similar symptoms as last time, such as light bleeding and cramping. I have booked an ultrasound tomorrow to confirm what I am thinking... but of course, there's a chance it might not be another miscarriage. I'm hopeful, but it's got me wondering... can i continue to be a stepmom if I can't have my own baby? Is that an awful thought to have? I just can't imagine spending my life raising someone else's child and hearing that child cry about wanting to see mommy all while wishing I could have my own.
Has anyone else struggled with this before? Did you want kids but not have them and now you're raising your stepkids? Is this something I will regret in the long run if I find out I can't have children and continue to be involved with my stepdaughter? I love her, but I know it's not the same and as soon as I realized I was potentially going through another miscarriage I just could barely stand to look at her. It took a couple months last time for me to even be in the same room as her, which is hard when she's here full-time.
My husband is understanding - he didn't mind me avoiding family time after the last miscarriage, but I don't know if he could handle me backing out completely when it comes to raising her. And it wouldn't be fair to her, either. I guess I'm just looking for guidance... I don't know what i'm supposed to feel right now but I'm confused and worried about my marriage if everything doesn't work out.
I'm only 22 so I feel like I shouldn't be having these problems. Getting pregnant seems to be very simple for me. It's always the first cycle we try, but yet this happens, so I can't help but feel like it's not meant to be.
I have children prior to
I have children prior to being a stepparent but I also had a miscarriage in October. I resented SD7 because when we told the kids she flat out said she was not happy and did not want another baby. Then I miscarried not long after.. This would have been our first "us" baby. I have two and he has two. It took a long time to "get over" it and honestly I still have lingering feelings about the whole ordeal.
I got pregnant again in December but this time it was an ectopic pregnancy which sucks. I started bleeding when I would have been 8 weeks and it's been chaotic ever since. I had a shot to basically absorb the tissue so I don't have to have surgery and lose a tube. It's working, thankfully but it makes grieving harder when you're still going every week to see if your hcg levels are dropping and people think you're still pregnant because you're getting hcg draws. I had one today and was joking with the guy doing the draw then realized he thought I was pregnant. I mean I am technically, I guess? But I don't view it like that.
Either way.. give yourself some time and space. I'm sure your husband will understand. We plan on trying again when it's safe. I have to wait 3 months from my shot since it sucks out the folate from my system to stop the tissue growth and getting pregnant soon after would be risky for neurotube defects, etc since I'm lacking vitamins right now.
Sending positive vibes to
Sending positive vibes to sunshinex junior in there.
I see that you are catastrophizing a little here, however I will still try to answer your question.
As for your question, this is exactly my situation so I can try to give you my POV for whatever its worth.
I am 42 and Ive had 2 miscarriages in the last 18 months.
I have no children of my own.
SO has a 14 yo.
After the first miscarriage, I was extremely unwell for quite some time (septic shock due to complications with missed miscarriage)- easier to avoid spending time with SD with a "valid" excuse.
The second miscarriage, I just couldn't be around her at all. Given my age and the results of the fertility testing I know this is likely it for me. No kids ever now- its too late. No friends understood- they all had kids, or were young enough to keep trying. SO didn't understand as he is a father.
It killed me to hear the constant " Daddy, Daddy" etc.
So, I literally have seen SD14 once in 9 months.
There are other factors as to why I don't see her that again, are "valid " excuses and my SO sees her at his parents house in town A. We live in Town B 1 hr away.
Anyway I have been grieving big time. Its incredibly difficult going through that alone as your partner is not in the same situation. Its very, very isolating. However I know that it will end at some point, and then I may take a different approach and there may be some hope for a relationship with SD but I cannot do that now. Im working on myself right now.
Honestly if I am my time again, I truly would have waited for a man with no children. But no one can know this until you are in the situation. You may deal with things differently/your partner may be more understanding/SK not such an a$$hole.
Plus you are young and assisted reproduction may be an option.
You are overthinking this, try to calm down and get some answers first before you get too far away with catastrophic thinking. Take a deep breath and focus on the ultrasound, then take it one step at a time.
sending you loads of hugs and
sending you loads of hugs and strength, but I have this gut feeling that you and baba will be fine,
This is just a warning to you that, life as you know it will change.. }:) Monster 3 on the way....
Now take things easy Hon, Ultra sound will be fine, simply scale down with your life style...
You are still very very young, you have years ahead of you, at least 10 for having more and more babies....
stop stressing ... what will be will be and enjoy your last 8 months of sleeping and child free... cause it's going to change for ever... ask LadyFace
Thank you! I am hoping all is
Thank you! I am hoping all is fine and I really appreciate the well wishes.
I feel like if things are okay, life is probably just reminding me that I need to appreciate this blessing a lot once he/she arrives
My husband has been great... He is encouraging me to do nothing while he handles all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. it's great!
I have my appointment in a few hours so I'll keep everyone updated
xo
leaning over and whispering
leaning over and whispering in your ear...
never tell ACra all is fine, she will start telling you horror stories like she did with LadyFAce }:) }:)
I am sorry for your loss. I
I am sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage in October, so I understand what you are going through. My DH and I were devastated. We don't have any children together, but we both have 2 from prior relationships. We both would really like an ours baby, but I have made peace with the fact that it probably won't happen. I have had fertility problems and I think the pregnancy in October was a fluke. I really don't expect it to happen again. I had a really hard time with all the kids during the recovery. My DH also struggled but not in the same way, so that was difficult. I would definitely take the time you need for your recovery. Take some "you" time if you need.
But to be honest, I am not sure I could be a SM if I didn't have kids of my own. The whole situation is so frustrating. It is often the patience that I have developed because of my own children that has gotten me through. I think you have to decide how badly you want kids. I think there is a belief that childless women are better SMs b/c they can just consider the skids as their own. But, that doesn't really work for many women.
If you are 22, then you are very young. You still have a lot of time to become a mom. When I was 24, I was told that I had some problems that might prevent me from having kids. A year later, I had my DS. I struggled for 6 years to have my second child. I never thought it would happen, but it did. So don't give up hope yet.
still feel for you, but I
still feel for you, but I thought about it....
I might have been a better SM, not having a bio then I am currently, but unfortunately sorry for Aergia, I raised one kid, I know the games they play, I see right through her....
I don't think I could be a SM
I don't think I could be a SM without having kids of my own for the same reasons as completelypuzzled. I get so frustrated and don't have much patience with kids because i've never been around them as much as I am now. I don't feel it's fair to my stepdaughter a lot of the time because I just don't relate well to kids. Once I have my own, I"ll be able to understand them more and be more patient about the dumb things they do lol plus SD will be my kid's cute older sibling so I'll be closer to her that way, I think.
Thank you! I have been taking
Thank you! I have been taking it easy and trying to get rid of unnecessary stress. I actually took 2 days off work leading up to this appointment, which is odd for me as I've never taken a sick day in 4 years, even during my last MC. All my coworkers are baffled and don't know what to think or do right now
but this "me" time is necessary, for sure.
Im sorry yiu are going
Im sorry yiu are going through this. I had 2 losses. At 21 my first pregnancy turned into a molar and i had an emergency dnc and had to get weekly blood draws for 2 months then bi weekly then monthly. It was awful and i spent a year worrying about the tumour cells.
I also felt i was to young to be dealing with it and. None of my friends really understood.
At 24 my first pregnancy with my kids father. We were 16wks along and the genetic testing and scans showed the baby had serious brain and heart issues and would likely not make it through the b whole pregnancy and certainly not after birth. They suggested termination due to my health during it and we agreed. It was awful to have to go through that.
I was fine with sd during all of this but i did step back from doing the heavy parenting of sd. I realized the difference of i am not her parent. I did so want to have a child of my own and i was annoyed it seemed so easy for others and i was annoyed that i was taking care of another womans child (bm didnt see sd at this point and we had had her for a month)when i so wanted my own and it seemed bm didnt want hers.
Anyway, when I was 26, i had my twins. You are still young and even if this is a loss then you have so much time to try again. Between my late loss and the twins, i cleaned up what i ate, was more active, took a ton of vitamins, had HIM take vitamins so that if it happened the eggs and sperm would be as healthy as they could be.
Best of luck for a good outcome!
Oh hunny I totally understand
Oh hunny I totally understand how you feel.
You are young and time is on your side. Stay positive.
Yeah. My last MC was a
Yeah. My last MC was a blighted ovum at 7 weeks and I waited it out until 10 weeks when it finally happened. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to wait it out this time if that's the case, simply because I wouldn't want any damage caused that would make fertility a problem later.
These things are hard lol it's difficult to think I could have difficulty when BM had no problems whatsoever popping SD out and leaving 9 months later because she didn't much care for dealing with a baby. Ugh.
Holy crap 10 kids! lol I
Holy crap 10 kids! lol I always wonder how people do it - having multiple stepkids. It's hard enough dealing with one and she's a lil sweetie. I don't know how people do it when they've got 2+ who aren't well behaved. I sure couldn't. I respect it though
A lot of the women on here are much stronger than me!
Thank you everyone! I am
Thank you everyone! I am trying not to jump to conclusions. I find out in about 3 hours so hopefully there is good news. My husband is great... He's been so understanding and he's already aware that if the news is bad, I will be staying with my parents for a few days to avoid dealing with his daughter until I'm ready. He knows it's not personal, it's just hard to be around children, especially my husbands, after losing your own. He's lovely and I couldn't appreciate his ability to be supportive anymore than I do.
So everything is a-okay with
So everything is a-okay with the baby! His/her heartbeat is as strong as it's supposed to be at this point and he/she is the right size for how far along I am!
I couldn't be happier. I guess I worried way too soon but thank you all for your support xoxoxo
sunshinex - we told you
sunshinex - we told you so.... now relax Hon, that little peanut is sticking to the plan.... will live comfortably in your womb, kicking the shyt out of you and causing your bladder to work over time, sleeping uncomfortable and all,
Then little peanut will arrive and your free relaxing fun loving days are over, Peanut will rule you with all the power in the world.... enjoy the last couple off months of sleeping