BM wants to move out of state with kids
BM informs us that she's been offered a job 3.5 hours away from us (out of state, too). She's offered us these choices:
A) we all move with her,
we change custody from our current 50/50 to some weekends, holidays, and a bit in the summer. (What a peach, she offered to meet us half way!)
C) she takes full custody
She tried really hard to sell it: more money, reduced tuition for the kids, her student loan debt would be eliminated, and her new husband's job here is in threat of being eliminated. She's always trying to change jobs and complains about all of them, I don't honestly believe she'll be happy there either. She wasn't happy at the last handful of jobs, either.
My first gut reaction was no, and then we looked into the area she wants to move and the answer was definitely no. There's no work available for us and the cost of living is sky-high! We've only had our house for 2.5 years, the job my partner has is secure and pays enough to support all of us, and I'm still trying to finish my degree.
Unfortunately, I see this going back to court. I hate going to court; it's so stressful that it feels like my organs are boiling on the inside. But what else can we do? My partner (nor I) want to be on a weekend/holiday visitation, we can't really move, and she wants to take the kids with her.
We're very involved in the
We're very involved in the kids' lives. Right now everything is split down the middle: custody, holidays, finances. BM makes more than we do and she's already tried to take us to court for CS and failed. I don't doubt she'd do it again. It's not really about the money, it's about the nature of the relationship with the kids. I'm child of a divorce and my parents did this, too. We grew distant from our dad and got bitter at both of our parents. We wouldn't mind if she moved and she got the kids on random weekends and summer; but this would mean we don't get to be a part of a significant portion of their lives. Sure, we can do our best to make up time on holidays and the like, but there are real consequences to a separation like this.
We're not in a pro-BM state. The courts here value 50/50 unless one of the parents is incompetent/negligent. I can't say she's a horrible parent, but I can say she's looking out for herself more than what's in the best interest of the kids. Last time we were in court, she made a scene and made herself look really bad -- the mediator even told her that if she didn't calm down, then she would lose everything.
We like the arrangement we have now. The kids see both parents frequently, they have a great relationship with me and their stepdad, we are all involved in their schooling.... This would make us "the other house" rather than "the other home".
They're twins -- boy/girl, 5
They're twins -- boy/girl, 5 years old. They just started kindergarten this year. And yes, college tuition. It comes with the caveat that she work for them for 5 years. After 10 years it's free college tuition. Both houses have been saving for their tuition since the kids were born.
Let her ass go. Get the kids
Let her ass go. Get the kids on a few weekends and holidays and call it a day. When BM wanted to move to another state, DH fought it and the courts didn't let her move. He should have just agreed and bid that bitch good riddance. She's made our lives a living hell, maybe if he had let her leave she would have left us alone.
I think that if she's a
I think that if she's a decent parent, and she was truly offered a better job (good on her for working- many of our BMs don't) let her go but be sure transportation is on her and that DH gets the kids all summer. Maybe alternate holidays to be fair but get the whole school week break.
I agree let her go....She
I agree let her go....She will make you miserable. I would make sure travel expenses and inconveniences are on her and get a firm schedule for the kids....
Sheesh, I wish BM would leave
Sheesh, I wish BM would leave and take skid with her! I would be in my glory!
I agree with you that it will probably end up in court. I would NEVER move away from my home and job just to follow BM. That is completely ridiculous. I would have laughed right in her face for even suggesting that!
If it is 50/50 right now, you
If it is 50/50 right now, you have just as good of a chance getting the primary custody as her. Why can't she be the one to get weekends/holidays/summers? The judge will look at her trying to change schools in the middle of the school year as well!
I'll be interested to hear
I'll be interested to hear how your situation turns out. We're likely going to be facing something very similar in about 4 years ...
Anyone who even considers
Anyone who even considers moving because the BM moves needs their head examined.
Tell BM, no, you can't move the kid out of state unless we take primary custody and YOU (BM) become NCP. Or, hell, do you really want your skids around? Let her go! Less time dealing with skids!
I got pretty lucky, I have
I got pretty lucky, I have great SKs. It would be really rough to let them go, even if it was only for a few weeks/months at a time. Kids act really differently at her place, though. They regress and act out in ways that seem alien to us. BM said yesterday that SD has been using baby talk and sucking her thumb. I met them when they were 2.5, moved in a few months after they turned 3 -- they've never acted like that around us, ever. Here they're normal 5 year olds, with her they're "babies" and borderline uncontrollable.
Sure, it would be easier if she was farther away. Don't see many of us on here who could use less BM drama. But she's asking for too much this time.
We just modified our
We just modified our agreement as BM is moving out of the state with the kids. AT first, we geared up for a fight but after speaking with 2 attorneys, we decided to go with allowing them to come Spring Break, Christmas Break, and all summer. She also has to bring them back for 4 days each month AND she must provide ALL TRANSPORTATION. She hasn't moved yet but none of this will happen. I tried explaining that to fDH, but he wants to believe in the good of all mankind.
I've known since March. It hasn't happened yet. She's waiting for her fiancé's divorce to be final (They are classy people). And they will get married that week and then move. It's sad but also - Good Riddance, BM. Good Luck. I will miss fSDs very much but like one atty put it - 'You're getting better time with this than you do when she lives a mile down the road. TAKE it!'
The winner in all this is ME who gets rid of BM- who will live 3 states over. SEE YA BM!
Well, my partner just made
Well, my partner just made the "no go" sternly official. Can't say I'm looking forward to bm's response...
Keep us updates. I am
Keep us updates. I am interested to know what she says!
No formal response but now
No formal response but now she's asking how long my partner has been at his job. Does anyone know why that's relevant? He mentioned in his response to her that he has job security, good benefits, etc and that he wasn't willing to leave that just so she could change jobs. I think it's a question for creating a case against him, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out what that angle would be. Anyone got a clue? I could use one...
She's fishing. I don't care
She's fishing. I don't care if he has been at his job for 1 day, she is the one who is choosing to move, period.
Don't answer any of her questions or give her any information, reasons, excuses, etc. The bottom line is, he is not following her to wherever and does not have to.
Well, no official response
Well, no official response from her except a ton of bitter texts about how she was "looking out for everyone's best interest." She went back to complaining about all of the things that we're forcing her to put up with because we aren't willing to move.
And most importantly: she's taking us to court. She "won't settle for less than 60/40" and "I won't let you keep the kids here." Oh, and "you're free to pursuit your heart's desire in 2027."
It's really hard not to hate that woman. Really, really hard. She really thinks we're doing this to her. She really doesn't think that it's bad for the kids to move. She's really just... unbelievable.
She is only looking out for
She is only looking out for HER best interest.
I seem to be having trouble
I seem to be having trouble posting, so I'll try it this way...
An update to BM's request that we move with her out of state or give her primary custody so she can move with twins SD/SS5.
BM is still insisting that this move would be for the best of everyone, regardless of whether we move with her or not. (We aren't, but she's trying to sell the move as good for everyone if she takes the kids.) I found out that the job she's been offered doesn't actually pay more (same amount), but it would still cut down on her student loans and there's the caveat for partial or full assistance on the kids' tuition if she should be at that employer for 5-10 years. Neither of us thinks she can stick it out at any job that long and neither of us thinks that losing a custody arrangement that we like is worth a discount on tuition. We are already saving for their college, we'll help them through college however we can, even if it means going into debt. But we don't want to see the kids go -- especially over something like this. Lawyers have been contacted and I'm trying not to feel that nagging panic that happened the last time we went to court over custody.
There's some things that have happened in the last week or so that I want to share and would appreciate your input.
When we dropped the kids off the other day, my partner asked BM if she's deciding to push forward with her move (and thus court). For whatever reason, my partner and BM seem to think that they've mastered speaking in a manner where the kids won't understand. Sheesh, they may not know the details, but they pick up on enough. Aside from that bonehead move, BM made it clear that she wasn't willing to let go of "such a great opportunity" just because my partner and I want to stay here. She said that we should be "happy" (seriously, she said "happy") to relinquish a chunk of the 50/50 custody because the tuition reduction was worth it. There were other things that she said that sorta freaked me out, like her casual comments suggesting that the kids hate coming to our house, but the real kicker was when she pointed at me (who was trying very hard to stay out of it, drag us out, anything to get out!) and said that she thought that I would be better off coming with her family than stay where we are and "only wind up with a dead-end job." I'm finishing my undergrad in May and I've got plans for grad school after this, but apparently I'm better off with her than what I'm doing now. I was so dumbstruck that I didn't say a thing. She looked away and was able to signal my partner that it was WAY PASS time to go. Told my partner when we were in the car that talking about that then was a BAD move and that the both of them should have known better. Oh boy, was I not pleased. I was just there to say goodbye to the kids... that was completely unnecessary.
The kids behavior has also become very strange and I know it's got everything to do with what's going on at home. (At least, what else am I suppose to think??) Even well before that bonehead conversation. The kids have always acted differently at our house. At BM's house, they're extremely demanding, whiney, overly emotional, etc. Here they're, well, definitely not like that. They act like normal 5 year olds and we seem to get a much better deal than she does. I've always suspected what the reasons were but things are even stranger now.
SD5 has been performing well at school. Her teacher even tells us that she's adjusting very well to kindergarten and she's showing a lot of progress already. However, the family portrait assignments that have been coming home have me drawn as her mom. Sometimes BM is there with me, but I'm not used to being elevated like this. SD and I are on the same page about who I am to her and that I am her's, I'm just not her Mama. At our house, she's been holding onto me a lot. I enjoy her affection and she's always given it freely but there's certainly a bit more clingness than I'm used to. At BM's though, she's been acting regressively: sucking her thumb, baby talk, even cooing. I thought it was strange until I got a glimpse of it when BM was dropping the kids off -- honestly, it was a little scary/sad/worrisome. As long as BM was there during the drop off, SD would barely acknowledge me but then when BM left, she was back to what I'm used to.
SS5 hasn't been performing well at school. His teacher today sent us an email that says he won't stay on task, follow directions, or be honest. I'll admit that he has always had a bit of trouble with that, even here. But he's starting a cycle that I saw in preschool and it wasn't pretty. He's a good kid and he thrives on attention, but he seems to be asking for it in all the wrong ways at school. At BM's house he's been throwing more tantrums and just being an all around jerk. My partner asked BM what had happened at school and what sort of consequences he was in for. She got really defensive and claimed that we're not doing a good job of parenting him either so we should accuse her of it. I saw the texts, honest, he never said anything about ineffective parenting. Just "What happened at school? Are you grounding him?" He's been a handful here, but just like with SD5, we don't seem to get it as bad here.
Tell me, has anyone dealt with this? Am I completely losing my mind? It's like a slow train-wreck.
Oh how I wish BM would move
Oh how I wish BM would move far, far away and take SS with her! That would be wonderful in my book!